Good morning Sunshines! Last night on Couples Therapy, a new couple joined the house and we had the surreal, yet magical opportunity to watch Whitney Mixter and Jon Gosselin interact. Reality television truly is the gift that keeps on giving. Formerly on Couples Therapy: Farrah is a plastic, Ghostface is a hypocrite,Taylor showed her true (nasty, entitled) colors, and the lesbians talked about wanting to beat each other.
We tune back in to Taylor’s drunken tantrum over room temperature. “We don’t live like this,” Taylor shrieks to a downtrodden staff member, “Get me Dr. Jenn.” Dr. Jenn Berman gets on the phone with Taylor, and Taylor whines about living in intolerable squalor.
Taylor: I don’t live like this. It’s not a good fit. I have PEA GREEN TOWELS. Do YOU have PEA GREEN TOWELS in your home?
It’s basically Darfur. Sada and Kelsey sleepily watch Taylor demand to be treated in her own home. “I want to wake up to the same latte I have at home. I want to eat the same FILET MIGNON I have at home. So we can do this, but it’s going to be my way.” Jesus Christ this woman is horrible. I watched Taylor on several seasons of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and only saw the vapid victim, not this hissing harpy. Scary how people can hide their true selves on TV. Sada tries to reason with Taylor in a conciliatory tone.
Sada: Look, I know it’s none of my business.
Taylor: Yeah that’s right, it’s none of your business.
Sada: I’m here because I care about you, and I think that you’re an amazing person.
Sada has a sweet side. Plus she’s clearly had experience calming down crazy bitches.
Taylor: I AM an amazing person.
Sada: You are! You’re not a diva, dumb person that I feel like you’re playing yourself down to be. I’ve watched you all night, and I’ve watched John all night, and John I have to say this has a lot to do with what you want.
John: I don’t have to give up anything if I don’t want to. I don’t have to stay in a shit hotel room.
Sada: You came here for no reason at all. You came here to make an ass of yourself, and act like this diva who’s too fucking good to stay in this house with people you’ve made friends with. You’re going to look like shit.
Sada is smart to appeal to Taylor and John’s vanity and image rather than genuine consideration or concern for others. She has serious ovaries to talk down these entitled, middle aged monsters. +1 Sada, showing a better side.
The next morning Dr. Jen calls the celebs together and reams Taylor out for throwing an entitled tantrum. She literally calls Taylor out on her “bullshit’, saying that if she survived abuse, she can survive green towels. Snap. Taylor and John defend their actions by saying extreme heat and “public school system food” is unacceptable. Water works. “Don’t want reality TV to kill John like it killed Russell.” What a load of crap.
Moving on, Kelsey relates to Taylor’s fear of her man walking out the door if things aren’t perfect. Ghost is still a misogynist who can bang whoever he wants, but Kelsey is un-unwifeable ho because she briefly stripped to support her kid after fleeing an abusive relationship. Womp. I really wanted Ghost to be cool, but misogynist hypocrisy is about as uncool as it gets. The discussion escalates into shouting, swearing, and Ghost making it clear that Kelsey is just another female he “bagged.” Dr. Jen tells Kelsey to never allow another human being to define her worth, and Kelsey tearfully flees.
Farrah, like most women, relates to Kelsey making excuses and accepting disrespect from the man she loves. No matter how absurd and unlikable a woman may be, it’s a hard fact in our sexist society that women are expected to accommodate and submit to their man. Boys will be boys but girls should be Madonnas. Taylor tells Farrah that she sees her younger self in Farrah. Farrah confronts Taylor for mocking her writing/endless careers at dinner the night before. Taylor says Farrah’s endless imaginary accomplishments are bullshit, at Farrah doesn’t need to fake that crap to be loved. Dr. Jenn stops Farrah from getting defensive, and tells the truth: Farrah comes off as a selfish brat (in prettier words).
Farrah: I’m not uncaring. I care. I care about everything.
Class is dismissed, and the couples shuffle away to whisper darkly. Farrah, Kelsey, Sada, and Whitney take lunch outside on a tree lined patio. For the record their food is grilled chicken and lush salad. As a product of the Bush-era Florida public school system, I know that food resembles nothing we were ever, ever served. Farrah encourages Kelsey to be confident and stand up for herself.
Sada: Ghost bagging hoes and getting up with chicks, all that, I honestly think it’s bullshit. It’s hard to love someone who keeps putting you down.
One thing Sada probably does know is reforming a player. Look at what she’s done to Whitney. Although instilling a similar sense of fear might be harder with a Wu-Tang. Next scene: kitchen. Farrah asks Whitney about “her friend and Tila Tequila” because it’s 2008? “The show got down to two, and she was the last girl standing” Whitney explains, apparently talking about Dani on A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila. Throwback! I didn’t know they were friends. I guess former reality star/celesbian is a relatively small social strata. Sada uses Tila as a segue into porn—a topic everyone’s been dying to chat about with Farrah.
Sada: So have you [Farrah] done that [porn] before, because…
Farrah: (huffily) Porn?! No I’m not in that industry.
Sada: Because my friend said she saw you in one yesterday.
Farrah: I have a sex tape, with like me and a boyfriend, yeah.
Whitney: (smirking) Maybe you can call him.
Love this mean girl side, ladies. Seriously: Farrah needs to be taken down a peg, and lesbian snark is hysterical.
Farrah: No, there’s like a legal situation, about the tape out of us having sex. It’s not a happy situation for me.
Aside: James Dean has confirmed multiple times that he and Farrah planned to release the tape. Whitney thinks Farrah’s story is “varying” which in this case means “false,” and points out that the tape was called Teen Mom.
Farrah: Well I sold the rights to it, because the tape was out anyway, and Vivid bought it.
Whitney and Sada let the subject drop, but remain privately unconvinced. Like the rest of America.
Sada: (smacking gum open mouthed) Honestly I think the whole story is bullshit. Farrah wants to be Kim Kardashian, but she’s not.
That night, a new couple arrives. Everyone except Farrah ["I’M A VERY WELCOMING PERSON"] is wary about accepting a new duo, and joke about hazing. I would LOVE to watch these people haze Jon Gosselin. That should be a show. I’d recap lovingly. Jon Gosselin introduces himself as “emasculated,” resentful divorcee. Jon and Kate are still in litigation about children and television. Jon’s partner is Liz, a naturally pretty blonde mother who affectionately refers to Jon as a “goofball.” The crew whispers giddily about Jon Gosselin. Taylor judges Jon and Liz for wearing grey hoodies and jeans. Ed Hardy clearly scarred fashion for Jon Gosselin. I’m kinda glad he’s not trying to look cool because he can’t look cool and trying would just be embarrassing.
Jon sulks self-consciously. Taylor is rude, but Sada is a fan. Liz awkwardly talks about being ‘the tough guy’ who comes off mean but is just brutally honest. Both Jon and Liz feel maliciously judged by Kate. Dr. Jen, Jon, and Liz have their first one-on-one. They give a history of their relationship. They met in a parking lot, chatted in a bar, and went home together to… hug. Awww. Jon seems very damaged. Liz brings up Jon’s victim complex yet again. Dr. Jen tells Liz she’s acting without compassion. Liz is repelled by Jon’s persona. Jon sees himself as a haunted, much-maligned victim of circumstance who just wants the perfect family he faked for cameras. Liz sees Jon as a needy shape-shifter who loves her because she’s there.
Dr. Jen: So do you feel interchangeable.
Liz: Above everything else, yes, I feel interchangeable.
There’s truth in both perceptions. Night descends on the Couples Therapy fortress. Farrah babbles about her hair to a staff member with exultant anticipation.
Farrah: (examining self in mirror) I just can’t wait to do my hair tomorrow, I get to do my hair tomorrow, that’s basically all I’m thinking about.
Farrah does not possess hidden depth. Deep within their lair, Sada and Whitney mutter furiously about Farrah’s sketchy “accidental sex tape” story.
Sada: Farrah’s full of shit about that “sex tape.” It’s definitely produced. Everyone who watched it can tell.
Whitney: This is just another instance of Farrah going back to her bubble.
Sada and Whitney piously decide to watch Farrah’s sex tape in pursuit of truth. Huddling over the laptop together with anticipation, they begin to stream the subtly titled Back Door Teen Mom. Farrah shrieks, “This is my magic pussy wand,” struts in lingerie, and demurely tells Dean, “We’re gonna do it in the ass.”
Sada: I’m watching Farrah’s tape and I cannot believe my eyes.
Whitney: WHOA [waves hands around, feigns covering eyes] I felt like I was watching a different person… I guess you can be Godly and still suck dick.
Well-spoken, Whit. So what have we learned this episode? Pea-green towels equate sub-human condition, Sada is the crazy-bitch whisperer, Farrah devotes much time & enthusiasm to her hair, and Jon Gosselin is still sullen. Thoughts? Insight? Judgements? Tweet me @howtrite #CouplesTherapy #someonepleasethinkofauniqueAEhashtag or comment below!