Sada asks Farrah what she does, which is clearly what Farrah was waiting for. ‘WELL,” Farrah exclaims nasally, face lighting up with unholy glee, “I guess I’m a TV personality [oy] so I do all different shows… And the I also am an author. Luckily my first book was a New York times bestseller [WTF] so I’m working on two other different books. My next trilogy so three books is an erotic sex novel and then a Christian parenting book.”
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. So many problems with that. First, trilogies are three books in sequence relating to one another. Farrah’s tell all and unwritten sex book/parenting book are obviously unrelated. So not actually a trilogy. You can’t just be like here’s three random books with my name written by a ghostwriter it’s a trilogy THAT’S NOT HOW BOOKS WORK. Also when do you think was the last time any of these women read a real, honest to goodness, fiction novel? AKA not THE SECRET. High School? Whitney and Sada are appropriately baffled by Farrah’s insane writing career. “That’s a very broad spectrum” Whitney observes diplomatically.
Sada: Farrah is writing a Christian parenting book, and then she’s writing an erotic novel. You can’t do that. That is against the law of physics.
Sada has no idea what physics means. Or laws (PLURAL, sugar) of physics. But at least her hair looks super shiny! Farrah babbles on about being an entrepreneur, occasionally pausing to blink her lips into a self-satisfied smirk.
Whitney: With Farrah, it’s hard. With the other couples, I feel some sort of vibe, but with Farrah it’s like there’s this plastic shield. I don’t know if Farrah is in tune with her real self.
Farrah and shrink meet privately to discuss Farrah’s “sex tape” aka anal porn release. Farrah claims it was totally on accident that the tape was released. Clearly this is a lie. I’m not going to deign Farrah’s absurd, delusional explanation with a recap. Google that shiz if you’re curious. There’s heaps of proof that Farrah’s sex tape was a calculated release.
Night falls, and the gang goes bowling and boozing to bond and blow of a bit of steam. DAMN that was a lot of Bs. I just adore a spot of alliteration, don’t you? Whitney looks fresh in a beanie, Sada looks sallow in a mystic tan, and everyone looks relieved to see plates upon plates of shots. Yum.
Normally faux-classy Taylor gets sloshed straight away. At first she’s acting like a perky sorority girl at her very first mixer: jumping about happily, shrieking “it’s on girls,” and generally having a good old fashion shit-show of a good time. I don’t hate on that; women in their 40s like to party too. Everyone is like “Taylor is drunk and crazy.” After bowling, the crew sits down for drinks, then dinner. Everyone puts in their drink order first (as people do), but Farrah immediately gets down to irritating by putting in her food order before anyone else. Farrah’s default tone of voice is “rude.” She legit always sounds annoyed and condescending. The gang eye rolls and sighs at Farrah’s inane inconsideration, especially drunk Taylor, who despises Farrah slightly more than everyone else. Farrah puts in the longest order ever, going so far to pre-order dessert.
Taylor: Ordering food before everyone else is RUDE. I don’t know Farrah’s story, but I do know manners. I am truly offended at this point.
Whitney innocently brings up Farrah’s “Christian parenting book and erotic novel” for the table’s consideration/mockery. Everyone giggles at Farrah’s “trilogy.” Taylor drunkenly rants about Farrah’s arrogance.
Taylor: The depth and breadth of your work is deep and broad.
I feel like that’s a sly reference to Farrah’s asshole.
Whitney: As of tonight, I have a love/hate relationship with Farrah. Because I’m confused by her, but sometimes I’m like “damn I kinda love this girl because she doesn’t give a fuck.”
Whitney likes them trashy and rude.
Back at the house, everyone falls into bed in various states of sobriety. Except… Taylor. Taylor lays down, twitches, and then awakens as a lesser demon. Apparently Taylor’s room is too hot. The food is inferior. Accommodations, overall, are not up to Taylor’s standards. Taylor’s wrath rains down like molten lava, scorching any mansion servants foolish enough to be caught in dark lord Taylor’s path.
I’m legitimately shocked by Taylor’s selfish, cruel, arrogant, DIVA flip out. Even white boy John is apparently taken over by DOUCHELORD John, and he bitches out poor staff members about lackluster accommodations. I thought these two would be the sanest people in Couples Therapy, but time and liquor reveal that these two are the absolute worst. Taylor and John’s treatment of staff members is just… heinous. Truly unforgivable. Unacceptable from anyone, particularly D-list former reality stars. After sufficiently abusing staff (or “serfs” and Taylor and John doubtless view them), the vicious couple threaten to leave Couples Therapy. Good riddance.
Next week on Couples Therapy: John of John and Kate Plus 8 arrives, Sada primps, and Ghostface gurgles.Excited? Tweet me @HowTrite.
Also we need a Couples Therapy AE hashtag. Any ideas???