Reality TV, like prostitution, lures in attractive exhibitionists with the promise of quick and glamorous cash, then holds on by rendering participants unfit for an honest day’s work. Lucky for us, shows like Celebrity Rehab are around to squeeze every last drop of entertainment or shock value out of any personality who will sacrifice their dignity for easy money and just a few more glorious minutes under those glorious Hollywood lights. On last night’s episode of Couples Therapy, Sada and Whitney opened up about explosive arguments and the temptation to resort to physical violence. Hot. Just kidding!
Farrah’s FAKE BOYFRIEND (shocking) still hasn’t showed up for Couples Therapy. For Farrah to stage being stood up on national television is so pathetic it’s borderline uncomfortable. Farrah is Heidi Montag 2.0: cute, then awful, then maybe-we-should-talk-about-something-else tragic. Like Heidi, Farrah’s face appears to be melting. Doc asks Farrah if she wants to stay, and Farrah is like “hell yes” because that was the plan all along cackle cackle. Farrah plaintively roams the mansion walls, searching for a careless couple to listen to her woes. Farrah ambushes Taylor and her fiance. Taylor expresses sympathy by briefly mentioned her own bad break up.
Farrah: So how was your divorce? Was it so easy?
Taylor: Well I filed for divorce and then I found him hanging.
Farrah: NO WAY!
Farrah seems like a very uncomfortable person to be around. Taylor describes how before Russell committed suicide, beat Taylor so badly she needed a titanium plate in her forehead. “Well they did a great job,” Farrah chirps, eyeing Taylor’s forehead, “I can’t even tell!” Taylor privately describes Farrah as “the most self-absorbed human being I’ve ever met.” And Taylor was on The Real Housewives of Beverly HIlls!
Day Two begins with a bespectacled psychologist in earth tones herding her infamous creche to group therapy. She asks the couples to reveal their darkest relationship moments. Taylor describes finding her abusive ex hanging after she filed for divorce. Next up: the lesbians. Whitney stars tearing up immediately as she discusses how a serious argument with Sara recently turned borderline violent. After a night of drinking, Sada mistakenly thought Whitney was flirting with another girl and started attacking Whitney bother verbally and physically.
Whitney: I was being straight attacked. In my head, I wanted to smash her. To be 100% honest, I wanted to kick her ass. I told her that, and she kept coming for it. My rage was building up and I knew if it got to that point, I would probably put her in the hospital.
Sada claims her passionate nature caused her to flip the fuck out. Shrink says Whitney and Sada escalate things very quickly and don’t have tools to de-escalate. That’s legit. I don’t know about you, gentle readers, but I must admit that in the past, a fight with a former girlfriend escalated to the point of shoving. Alcohol and jealousy= violence. Anyway, the group goes around and talks about how damaged they are and whatnot. Beaucoup abuse and infidelity. Farrah reveals that after her teenage boyfriend died, her super Christian mother forbid her from taking plan B, forcing her to become a teen mom. Ghostface was cheated on by an early GF, leaving him distrustful and resentful of women once he became famous. Kelsey’s babydaddy used to brutally beat her in front of their kid. When Kelsey fled the abusive man, she took up dancing to make ends meet. When Kelsey mentions dancing, shrink is like “YOU MEAN STRIPPING” and Ghostface visibly recoils. Ghost is clearly nursing a massive Madonna/Whore complex and didn’t know about Kelsey’s stripper past. Crying class is dismissed, and shrink releases her wards by commanding them “to be extra gentle.”
Whitney and Sada lumber back to their lair, and Sada processes her feelings by immediately crouching in front of the mirror and frantically slapping serum through her ebony extensions.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Whitney asks hopefully. Sada says nothing, transfixed by her own reflection, furiously finger combing imaginary strays into line. Whitney tells Sada, who is being quiet and distant, that she is being quiet and distant. Sada purses her lips and says nothing. She knows that silence is an effective tool to establish power over a partner reaching out for validation. Withhold and receive. Say what you will about Sada (ho), but the “dancer” (like Kelsey was) twirls Whitney into submission every time. “I don’t want to talk about anything,” Sada finally snaps, “just let me have this moment.” With harsh bangs, pursued lips, and an unnatural orange glow, Sada looks increasingly like a pissed off Oompa-Loompa. Thank god there aren’t any errant children in the Couples Therapy household.
Ghostface Killah rails on Kelsey for stripping in a stunning display of blatant hypocrisy. He looks absurd in a plaid pageboy cap that was last in style never. Ghostface thinks he can fuck who he want, but God forbid the girl he’s with be anything less than virginal. Ghost is charming but unconcerned about anything but himself and his own image. If Tyga and Kim Kardashian can fuck with Blac Chyna, Ghostface the aging and slightly corpulent rapper can fuck with Kelsey.
Day Three! Ghostface is still bitching about Kelsey being a stripper. “I don’t date strippers,” he gurgles arrogantly to shrink and Kelsey. Shrink tells Ghost he views women in black and white. “A lot of the time when I hear men say ‘I love women’, what they really mean is ‘I like to fuck women.’ When you genuinely love women, you’re able to integrate that everyone is flawed.” PREACH GIRL. This applies to you too bro lesbians. I’m so over the femme/boi double standards. But that’s a rant for another day.
Whitney, Sada, and Farrah kick it hood in an oak-laden dining room.
Farrah: What do you guys do here in LA?
Sada: We do a lot of things!
That’s LA code for “we don’t have a real job per se.”
Sada: I’m a hairdresser so I work at a salon. We both have a business that we work on together, a clothing line called Cloth and Justice.
Last week I checked out Cloth and Justice’s website. The sparse items range from “t-shirt and beanie with logo” to “blatant rip off of street wear we saw on Tumblr.”
“That’s really interesting” Farrah murmurs insincerely, eyes turned to heaven, mind turned to nothing in particular.