“Couples Therapy” recap (4.1): Therapy Begins

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Couples Therapy time! Last night I drank four bottles of wine (not alone!) so I’m not in fine form per say, but I’ll try not to take my unwavering misery out on Whitney and Sada, who are just trying to work out their relationship issues before popping out babies. Sada would be a terrifying mother. That bitch bad.

Let’s begin! The house is packed with an all star cast of C-list celebs eager to make a little cash off their already public issues. Episode 1 opens with a dramatic, drawn out montage of screaming and sobbing celebs. I’ll be focusing on Whitney and Sada’s appearances to avoid Tolstoyan lengths. Taylor Armstrong, former member of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, arrives first with new fiance John who looks like a nice middle-aged white guy. Taylor’s odious abusive ex-husband Russell hanged himself after Taylor filed for divorce. Heavy. John and Taylor unpack and clearly outline their plot points.

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The next couple to arrive is Ghostface Killah of Wu-tang fame and his girlfriend Kelsey, who has fierce hair. Kelsey is a model/actress—mattress if you will—and aspiring singer. Ghostface says he likes Kelsey because she’s clean, which is kind of a weird reason to be with someone. Ghost says he doesn’t need therapy, and Kelsey says, “I wanna make sure we on the same page” with aggravated hand gestures. Kelsey is scary. Taylor asks Ghostface if he skis. He does not.

White Boy John: Ghost, he’s kind of got that hip hop flare. With the hat. Like, I love Tupac. I listen to a lot of Tupac. I listen to a lot of hip hop, and I’m excited to get on the internet and listen to Ghostface’s music. I’m sure I’m going to like it.

Hahahahahahahahaha. I LOVE John. I rewound that thrice and cackled the entire time. Aside to nice older white people: Don’t talk about Tupac. Just let Tupac go. It’s not working for you.

Finally, Whitney and Sada strut scrumptiously up the boulevard of broken dreams and into Couples Therapy.

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Brief flashbacks to them fighting in Here Lounge and outside the Abbey in Weho. I’m actually quite sad I didn’t move here until after TRLW ended. They always looked like they were having way more fun than I do in West Hollywood. Today’s Weho scene doesn’t scream; it huddles coldly. Much less exciting. They do make an attractive couple, especially when Whitney gazes at Sada with conspicuous adoration.

Whitney is WIFED the fuck up. Sada talks about how their wedding was the first lesbian wedding to be broadcast on national TV, and makes the vast, idiotic leap into “We normalized gay marriage.” Lesbians, please turn to your wives and say, “Thank you, Sada Bettencourt, for making this possible.”

Sada explains how they met on NYE and fucked in the bathroom. “Happy New Year’s to this guy.” Awwww. I love that. Bathroom hook ups are funsies and it’s inspiring to hear they might end in true-ish, love. I’m sickened, not by Whitney and Sada, but by the four bottles of Pinot Noir churning in my stomach. Breathe. You can do this Chloe. Just keep typing.

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Issues Whitney and Sada have according to Whitney & Sada:

1. Sada’s “fiery” temper [she cray]
2. Strong personalities fighting for dominance [like lions]
3. Cloth & Justice, the couple’s clothing line. Whitney stays home all day running it. Whitney is a housewife.
4. Money—shockingly, Cloth & Justice has not yet reached the streets of Milan
5. Communication
6. Crunching numbers. Math. Math is hard.

Sada is super excited that Ghostface is going to be in house. Ghostface jokes about Whitney and Sada trying to bang Kelsey and Kelsey is like, “Hell no.” Even though Whitney and Sada are married, they are lesbians, and lesbians try to sex all straight women. Kelsey thinks highly of herself.

Kelsey: We have our own views on gay marriage and same sex relationships. I don’t condone… I wouldn’t… Whatever.

Translation: I believe that gay relationships are wrong, but won’t say that publicly at the risk of losing fans. Kelsey, honey child, let’s get something straight: You are just one of an aging rapper’s girls. A main bitch is still someone’s bitch. I wouldn’t look down on anyone else’s marriage. There isn’t a ring on your finger. And your hair is so 2012.

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Whitney and Sada unpack and look emo. Whitney doesn’t like talking about her feelings and is nervous about having to talk about her feelings ALL the time. When Whitney reminds Sada to keep the room clean, Sada is like, “YES MOTHER” and says they have a mother-daughter relationship. Whitney Mixter is like your mother? Really?

Whitney: I’m your mother because I like to take care of you? How about we talk about how you like to micromanage things I do? How does that sound?

How about we talk about = what I don’t like about you.

They fight with their eyes. Very lesbian.

Next, Farrah Abraham a la 16 & pregnant and Teen Mom. She’s clearly had some work done, and looks about 40. Less Restylane next time. Flash back to her sex tape with James Deen. Farah talks about how she’s not involved with porn even though she made money selling a tape of herself having sex and sells sex toys. Don’t you see the difference? Farrah’s BF of five months doesn’t show up, and his name is bleeped. He disappeared the night before. Farrah’s life is depressing. Whitney and Sada meet Farrah “like FARRAH FAWCETT.”

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And Whitney lives in L.A. The household whispers about why Farrah is alone. Kelsey is bitchy, as Kelsey is wont to be. Farrah explains being stood up from a TV show to blonde therapist/narrator with expertly applied smoky eye makeup.

Later, the gang gathers for the first round of therapy. The shrink asks Farrah to explain she was stood up to the group. Farrah’s face contorts and she makes “crying face” while never actually producing her tear. Farrah delicately dabs a single white tissue over her bone dry face. Shrink asks the others if it’s ok if Farrah stays. It’s not like they’re going to say no to sad Farrah. Whitney, Sada, Kelsey, and Farrah gather in the living room.

Whitney: If your boyfriend doesn’t come, are you going to stay?

Farrah: I don’t know.

Whitney makes cute little puppy eyes while nibbling on an apple slice.

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Sada drinks red wine. Later, the group gathers for dinner. Whitney says cheers. A melancholy acoustic ballad plays in the background.

Whitney: The therapist said every one of us was going to shed a tear here eventually. I can’t wait to see Ghostface shed a tear. Kelsey, have you seen him cry?

Kelsey has not seen Ghostface Killah cry but she knows he does. Ghostface says he’s only here for Kelsey, but doesn’t personally need therapy. Whitney thinks Ghostface needs to be here for him, not just Kelsey. When Ghostface and Kelsey are alone, they fight about the crying comments. Ghostface says he never calls Kelsey his girl, and talks about other females.

That’s all folks! What do you think? Do you like Whitney and Sada more or less after watching Couples Therapy? I’ll interview them later and bring back more details! Let me know your thoughts @howtrite.

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