Sian whips up some pancakes the next morning — which would make me believe in God all over again — and Sophie teases her about how she never cooks at the Webster’s. “You know how your mum is,” Sian says. (P.S. I think she means “mad twatter.”)
What happens next is that Sally and Kevin act like children some more, loudly and petulantly all over the street. Kevin thinks Sally bonked Tyrone and Sally thinks Kevin deserves to think that. They scream and kick and pull each other’s hair, and then Kevin corners Tyrone and shanks him. Tyrone isn’t too fussed, but that’s because Rosie hasn’t turned on him yet. And then she does — and girl!
I don’t even care that Rosie is wearing a coat made of teddy bears.
Kevin decides to file for divorce. He brings in a lawyer to appraise their possessions and says some bollocks about how he froze both his and Sally’s checking accounts and took her name off the garage ’cause Baby Jack has got to eat, you know. Just when they’ve started to scratch and claw to the point of blood, Sophie commands them to chill the f–k out for one single second. Sally uses the silence to tell Kevin that Sophie and Sian are sleeping together now. He says, “You’re all mad.” Meaning all the girls. And Sian, who has been pretty silent through every other Webster shenanigan, has just had it. She screams, “NO WE’RE NOT MAD!” And it is hilarious. And awesome.
Sophie says, “How can you stand there and judge me and Sian when all you are doing is just being cruel and horrible to each other?” (Point, Sophie.)
Kevin says that when Sophie’s older she’ll understand that things are complicated.
“No!” Sophie says. “That’s the thing I understand, and I understand now!” (Point, Sophie.)
“So tell me: What have me and Sian done that is so wrong?” Sophie says. (Nothing. Point, Sophie.)
Sally goes, “You’re right: We’ve been terrible parents. You’ve got more common sense in your little fingers than we have.” (Point, Sophie.)
(If you’re keeping score at home, Sophie is in the lead by a billion.)
After Kevin leaves, Sian assures Sophie that her parents’ divorce is not her fault. And I don’t care how old you are when your parents get divorced, that is always an important thing to hear. You go, Sian Coco. Four for you, Sian Coco.
Kevin pops back round later that night to be the worst f–king thing. He tells his two daughters that his priority is his baby son. Sophie and Rosie are devastated and furious. They don’t cry. They don’t beg him not to go. He’s made up his mind to be a tosser and they know it.
Finally Kevin leaves. Rosie turns to Sally. She narrows her eyes. “Right, Mum,” she says, “What did you find out about that shark tank?”