“Coronation Street” recap: ‘Twas the night before mayhem

What happens next is so well-acted and dramatic that I didn’t breathe for about 20 solid minutes, but I’m not going to reacp the actual dialogue. What’s important is that Molly’s like, “I’ll be dead in ten minutes; how many lives can I destroy before I stop breathing?” And then she tells Sally the whole sordid truth about her affair with Kevin and how they loved each other but that Kevin chose her and the girls in the end and — *death rattle* *death rattle* *huff, huff, huff* — SECRET BABY was fathered by … KEVIN’S PENIS.

Sally’s face, you guys. Just … here.

And that’s the last thing Molly sees before she dies.

Sally confronts Kevin when he finds her sitting in the cold in the dark in their home, and it’s horrible. It’s so horrible. The way she leads up to it and talks around it and just — gah! Heart-wrenching. She tells him to get out of her house and that it’s over between them. Never mind that the street’s burning down and their kids are just camping out at the pub. They gotta work this shit out right this second.

The end result of the tram crash, as far as the Websters are concerned: Mistresses dead, 1. SECRET BABIES’ paternity revealed, 1. Marriages in mayhem, 1. Lesbians still alive, 2.

And guess who else lived — because she is INVINCIBLE?

Oh, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes, my darling Rita! You gorgeous oracle! You lone reed of reason swaying upon the moors of myopia!

Tyrone moves in with the Websters for some inexplicable reason. Actually, maybe there is an explicable reason. Another thing we learned during the tram crash is that Tyrone has never held SECRET BABY before. In fact, it is possible, Tyrone has never held ANY babies before.

Good thing for everyone, Sophy knows what she’s doing. In fact, she’s pretty much the sole caretaker of the baby right now. And by “the baby” I mean “SECRET BABY” and SECRET BABY’S “dad” and her own “parents.”

She has to ask her mum to put on the kettle to calm everyone down; she has to ask her dad to buy nappies so SECRET BABY doesn’t have to sleep in his secret piss; she has to tell everyone to STFU with their SECRET DRAMA because SECRET BABY has finally drifted off to sleep. (Sian’s gone to stay with her mum for a bit, by the way. Sometimes a queer teenager faces the ultimate dilemma: Parental homophobia/apathy or random train explosions.)

This frees up Rosie to do some sleuthing. And her sleuthing leads her to believe that something weird is going on with her parents.

Rosie: Sophie, do you think this is a bit too dark? I mean, I know it’s a funeral, but I don’t want to look look like some tragic emo.
Sophie: I don’t think anyone will notice because — believe it or not — today’s not actually about you.
Rosie: Well, at least I’m going — unlike Mum.

Sophie: Maybe she’s too upset.
Rosie: Yeah, whatever.
Sophie: And what is that meant to mean?
Rosie: Haven’t you noticed: There’s been a really weird atmosphere around here recently, like, I don’t know, Mum and Dad are trying to hide something from us?
Sophie: Well … like what?
Rosie: I dunno — because they’re hiding it.

I will tell you right now: I want to see a Corrie spinoff in which Rosie Webster is a private investigator. I would pay actual money to watch that show.

After the funeral, Rosie finds Kevin drowning his sorrows/guilt in a bottle of Scotch. She’s like, “Dad, seriously, WTF?” And he’s like, “Here’s fifty quid; go buy yourself something nice.” And she’s like, “Oooh, shiny! Cheers!” But on the way to the door she does have the good sense to turn back and say, “Dad, do yourself a favor and don’t become an alcoholic. Mum already hates you.”

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