“Coronation Street” recap: 100 Percent Lesbian

Coronation Street is a bit like coming home, isn’t it? I’ve always known in my head-space why a prominent lesbian relationship on a 50-year-old soap is a Big Deal, but I don’t think I ever really understood it in my heart-space until Sophie and Sian returned from their recent hiatus and I found myself sighing into their warm Mancunian embrace.

Last time we saw these two muff-monkeys, Tommy Duckworth had come to town and barked up the wrong lesbian. Sophie threatened to chop off his balls if he made another pass at Sian, so everyone thought that particular shenanigan was over. Wrong! Sian comes into Roy’s for breakfast, and Tommy cuddles right up to her at the counter while Jason and Tyrone watch in bewilderment. You know I like to make up some dialogue, but only the real deal will do for this scene.

Jason: He hasn’t got a clue, has he?
Tyrone: I’m sure he knows; what is he playing at?
Tommy: [Returns from flirting with Sian] It’s in the bag, that.
Jason: She likes girls.
Tommy: Who doesn’t?
Jason: No, Tommy, I’m being serious. She’s gay.
Tommy: Yeah, I know.
Tyrone: What? And you think you’re still in there?
Tommy: It’s a work in progress, isn’t it?

Jason explains how not every girl who laughs at your jokes also wants to shag you, but Tommy can’t hear him because he thinks every Pants Party he throws is auto-RSVP. Oh, man. You guys remember Ryan? I mean, he was an absolute tool, but, like, a hammer. Tommy Duckworth is a full-on power saw. Whatever, though, Sophie Webster doesn’t need a tool belt. (ZING!)

Sophie and Sian have volunteered to work at a soup kitchen, but they need a ride because Sally is jetting around Paris with her beau. Tommy offers to give Sian some driving lessons — actual car driving lessons, mind — and Sophie steps in between them and says Sophie doesn’t have a car, so it’s a moot point. Actually, my notes say: “Sian doesn’t have a car so there’s no point in discussing it,” Sophie Sallys. Which is really funny ’cause Sian says the same thing in just a little while.

Back at the shop, Tommy tells Tyrone: “Sian might be gay, but she’s not made out of stone. She obviously fancies me. She’s dead eager for me to give her driving lessons.” That’s some amazing logic there, Duckworth: “I know she’s a vegetarian, but I one time killed a boar with my bare hands.” “I know she only speaks German, but I aced my A-levels in Portuguese.” “I know her girlfriend is going to put my gonads in a vice if I go near her again, but I one time saw a guy charm a snake with a trumpet and piece of apple pie.” Tyrone gives Tommy the keys to his car ’cause why not?

Over at Roy’s, Tommy gallops in on a white steed in a cloud of Axe Body Spray talking about, “Wanna go for a ride, pretty lady?” Sian wants to know whose car he stole, and Sophie says, “You do understand the concept of Sian being my girlfriend, right?”

One thing I love about Sian in the deepest place of my heart is how Sophie’s whole protective/jealousy thing just makes her giggle. She always grins and raises her eyebrow at the object of Sophie’s wrath when she senses it coming, like, “Maybe stop waving your blood red flag in front of the raging bull, mate.” Sophie’s like, “I mean, Sian can do what she wants; she doesn’t need my permission to get into a car with you.” And Sian squeals and kisses her because yeah, she totally does.

So Tommy gives Sian driving lessons like a perfect gentleman and then escorts her, un-accosted, back to her door.

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