I had this awkward thing happen over the summer. I was taking classes at this art school. This girl and I ended up hooking up one drunken night while skinny dipping in a pond. The awkward part is we never really talked about it, and it kept happening over the course of the next three weeks. I heard from someone else that she didn’t want to be monogamous; so I wasn’t. I had a fling going with this straight girl who finally admitted at the end of the program that she “thought she might be bisexual.” Well that much is obvious.
Anyway, so I found out that the first girl I was hooking up with was also hooking up with this guy (who had also tried to hook up with me, but that’s irrelevant). Dramadramadrama. So yeah, all of this s–t was going on and we never talked about it. We just hung out and cuddled and hooked up in our dorms and on picnic tables when we should have been doing work. Then it ended because the summer ended and we both had to return home. And since we weren’t really in the practice of talking about things, we haven’t really spoken since. It’s left me with this terrible lack of closure, because the awful thing is I think I really cared for her even though it started out as a party hook up.
So what to do? Should I address the issue? Be brave about it? Or stop obsessing and get a life?
Anna says: Let it go. Life seldom mimics Grease musicals. (I know. I’m sad about that, too). This chick isn’t going to transfer to your regular school, sing you a bunch of songs, and then develop a leather fetish. She’s going to live her life. And so should you.
I’m not sure what loose ends you feel you need to tie with this girl. It was a fun summer fling with some feelings involved and now it’s over. I would recommend in the future if you find yourself in such a situation that you try a little harder to establish some kind of dialogue or boundaries, and not rely on what other people claim that person wants. I know such talks merit awkwardness and discomfort, especially where it’s kind of presumed that everyone is noshing everyone else. I’m gonna go all Camp Counselor on your ass for a minute: If you’re both banging multiple people, the adult, safe thing to do is to disclose that so your partners can make informed decisions about their own sex lives.
Such conversations don’t have to be a big to-do or anything, like, “We will always sit next to each other at the picnic table of fornication/lunch, right?” More like, “Hey, I’m enjoying all the sex we’re having. Not even my paintbrushes stay dry around you! Just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page.” Adapt your sexualized art metaphors as needed.
I understand the urge to have closure with people — I recently attempted a closure convo with someone I never even dated. That’s how big of a lesbo I am — but not everyone who sees your O-face needs a speech or Someecard about the dynamics of your boinking. Actually, a Someecard would be pretty great. If you do anything, do that. Then report back. Exceptions to not making speeches include: “Oh hey, since we made sweet love, I’ve developed this weird, unidentifiable rash.” Or if something upsetting occurred, like crying, or if you lent her your favorite Crafty Beaver sweatshirt and she has yet to return it. It’s noble that you want to let her know you cared for her. I bet she did too. But I also bet that your behavior toward her was indicative of that caring. And that’s better than a Hallmark card any day.