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The Hook Up: 5-11-2011

Dear Anna, I’ve been single for almost a year now. I’ve dated a few people, had some casual flings, and even got swept up by one girl who had a boyfriend. What they all had in common, aside from not working out, was this: They were straight. I mean, “straight” since they obviously had some passing interest in me. I don’t want this to become a habit, but I also tend to like femmey girls, and they kind of all look straight at first.

Am I jinxing myself somehow? Why am I only consistently falling for straight girls, and does it even matter if they still want to date me? -Wants A Straight Answer

Anna says: Well, Anna Pulley, I mean WASA, this very topic has plagued many a lady lovin’ lady, and if you’ll permit me, I’d like to use your question as further evidence for the “Will Women Who Want To Sleep With Me Please Wear A Button” bill that I’m proposing in the Arizona legislature, since they’ll try to make pretty much anything a law these days.

Your attraction to straight women may be rooted in the desire for the unattainable, but you’re right that sometimes it’s impossible to tell the beersexuals from the bonafides. Even on OkCupid, where you are forced to label yourself, 1/3 of the girls who message me identify as straight. So, who the hell knows? Not me, obviously.

As I said a few weeks ago, in the Hook Up that led Amanda Palmer to ask me out on Twitter, despite her being married and thus ironically perpetuating my unavailable women fetish.

“I think we also tend to chase after unavailable women because we aren’t necessarily in a place where we want to settle down. And that’s OK. Friends are quick to point out patterns in our love lives – Curiously, these friends are often happily coupled – but patterns don’t always mean anything, nor do they have to become self-fulfilling prophecies.”

Speaking from personal experience, lusting after straight girls does wear on you after a while. Also, there are so many uncertainties in dating already – do your belief systems match? Are you moving too slowly/quickly? Will she find your Evanescence collection endearing? — that it seems needlessly masochistic to try to date people who don’t at least openly share your sexual orientation. I’m generalizing a little bit. Obviously this doesn’t apply to girls across the board, but in your case, I’d try to make a more conscious effort to:

1. Find out early on whether your crush likes to ride the bearded clam

2. Pursue women that you are fairly certain will have more than a passing interest in you

Lastly, perhaps you are tired of chasing girls who fit the typical (read: obvious) queer mold and want a change. I can’t say I blame you. Straights are really in this season. As soon as Labor Day rolls around though, you’ll want to add a few more patterns to your sex life. These aren’t my rules, but Tim Gunn‘s.

Dear Anna, I was very irked at a friend who recently said she was “too in love” with her girlfriend to “go poly.” Was she implying that people in open relationships don’t love each other as much as other people? What should I say to this kind of thing in the future? Can you write a column about that please? – Poly Wanna Crack-a-Bitch

Anna says: As difficult as it may be at times, countering rude behavior with more rudeness is rarely an effective strategy to change someone’s behavior. We’ve all heard the expression, “An eye for an eye makes very few people understand polyamorous relationships.” Yes. So, first, I’d suggest that you not make references to “cracking” or “bitches” when dealing with rude or clueless people. You can keep the parrot part, however.

Second, remember that some people have never taken a Gender Studies class or interacted frequently with non-monogamous people or attended one of Sting’s Tupperware parties. Put another way, some people don’t understand polyamory, and rely on stereotypes or misconceptions when making small talk. If you’re feeling generous, you can always channel your annoyance into a “teachable moment.” As I said in my second column ever (look at me all lazily repeating myself this week), “The more people realize that not everyone fits the ‘traditional’ relationship mold, the less shame and stigmatizing will be associated with it.”

Autostraddle has a pretty good stereotype debunker on polyamory, if you’d like to passive-aggressively send that link to your “friend.”

You could also tell her that you’re “too in love” to passively accept the stringent nuclear relationship guidelines society dictates. Then send her to this flowchart on lesbian relationships

But try to avoid coming off as overly aggressive or defensive. Sticking to facts and exposing generalizations are the best way to counter such encounters.

Some people unnecessarily criticize alternative relationships/sexualities when they are battling insecurity in their own relationships. We find unfamiliarity threatening, and tend to lash out. I’m going to circle back to Arizona now because it’s my home state and I miss it, but also because it proves the unnecessary threat point really well. Arizona’s Republican lawmakers, bolstered by the far-right fringe and ever frightful of all that is foreign, tried to pass a law banning karma. Karma!

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a professional tweeter/blogger for Mother Jones and a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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