Lesson Seventeen: How to date a non-animal lover. Ladies and gentlebois, I apologise most profusely for my absence; I do hope your manners have not deteriorated whilst my back has been turned. All of the manifold reasons for my recent lack of contact are entirely prosaic, except for this one: This is (Wini)fred. If you’re posh or rich or a celebrity you might call her a Moodle or a Maltipoo. However, as I live in Australia, where one calls a spade a spade, I am inclined to be honest and describe her as a mutt. A shelter mutt, in fact – a pound puppy, a homeless hound and an unwanted dog. That is, of course, until now. Arriving small, bedraggled, bewildered and a little bit smelly, Fred has since found herself ensconced in a haven of warmth and Kmart acquired luxury, including all the dog beds, dog treats and dog toys of the rainbow as well as a selection of highly packaged dog food so expensive I expect her tiny poos will arrive gilded in gold. On top of this, Fred has found herself embraced by an entire mob of gaily adoring humans exclaiming over her every precious wriggle, and of course, the proud possessor of two mums. Now, I have always presumed it to be the truth that all gay ladies experience most of life through a haze of permanent giddiness due to their overwhelming love of cute fluffy animals. If one is not a cat person, then one is a dog person; if not a dog person then a rabbit person; if not a rabbit person then an alpaca person and so on, because baby, you were born this way. That is, I believed it up until I met my otherwise immensely lovely ladyfriend and was aghast to realise that my multitude of completely amazing cat anecdotes were being met with open bemusement and it quickly came to my attention that her cat-non-compatibility levels were in fact at such an extreme that all her attempts to pet either of my adored felines generally resulted in aggrieved yowling and wide-eyed hissing, and that was just my girlfriend. The cats themselves have slowly come around, cautiously condescending to her as though she were a peculiarly long-limbed kindergartener of foreign extraction. What, you may ask, would have happened to our burgeoning relationship if she’d adamantly refused to overcome the after effects of her pet-less childhood and embrace my fur babies as her own? I cannot even speculate for fear of finding my arse dumped by either the lady or the felines, but let me pose this rather worrying thought: if my own lady lover is not a cat-person, does that mean there are more of you out there? How then, would a gay lady successfully date a non-animal lover? Item One: How to politely deal with a ladyfriend with “allergies.” Oh gay ladies, what are we now, beginners? Every animal lover worth her salt understands that animal allergies are a complete fabrication to disguise the fact that the so-called sufferer of said allergies is nothing but a malicious and disgusting cat/dog hater. It is perfectly obvious as soon as one understands the science behind this persistent fallacy. Of course, it is true that one’s nose may experience sensitivity to an animal’s fur, saliva or dandruff, but if one is a gay lady then as soon as one’s eyes are laid upon: Or: … the senses are instantly rearranged in order of importance, with the lungs’ urge to breathe easily superseded by the eyes need to gaze adoringly, the ears need to hear one’s own squeeing sounds, and the hands urge to reach out and stroke the soft, soft fur and silky, silky ears. You simply cannot argue with science ladies; these are all indisputable facts (or alternatively it may actually be my unfounded opinion, I forget which) and anyone claiming otherwise is a cruel and heartless animal hater who should be scorned forthwith, no two ways about it. Item Two: How to ensure the seamless integration of your lady lover into your wondrous menagerie So your ladyfriend is not enamoured with animals. Do not concern yourself – she soon will be! Be honest with your paramour and start as you mean to carry on. For example: Always remember ladies, the timeless saying: Love me, love my (stinky, shedding, pissy, loud, demanding) animals forevs, k, bye!
