There are certain films that you end up watching once you come out as anything other than straight. As a queer woman, you’ve probably seen a handful of movies that were all about girls falling in love. Some of them are beautifully written, impeccably acted heartfelt pieces of cinema — and some are ridiculously cheesy or just plain cringe-inducing.
That’s right — we’re talking about bad lesbian movies. They exist, and you’ve seen them, maybe even more than once. So you have feelings about them, just like we do. We’ll go first, just to give you some inspiration.
Ready? What’s the worst lesbian movie ever made?
Courtney Gillettte: I might get a lot of flack for this, but my least-favorite-of-all-times lesbian flick is Kissing Jessica Stein. Truth be told, it’s been years since I’ve seen it, but the Hollywood take on girl-girl dating has always left a sour taste in my mouth. Queer lady relationships finally get a bit of air time on the big screen, and you immediately throw lesbian death bed, struggle for family acceptance, and intimacy issues into the plot? What about awesome community, supportive friends, and, well, a really rad sex life? Sure, sure, part of the movie’s message is about having an “open mind” blah blah blah. But, in my world, I’m not queer because I have an “open mind,” I’m queer because I’m queer. Let’s see Hollywood try a rom com about that truth.
Dorothy Snarker: Bar Girls is the worst lesbian movie ever — possibly worst movie ever, period. When going through your, “I must watch every lesbian movie ever made” phase, you will inevitably stumble across Bar Girls. It’s so terrible, it might make you question your sexual orientation. It’s so terrible, it’s a rite of passage. As in, “Oh, you sat through Bar Girls? Yeah, you’re really gay.”
The only way to improve Bar Girls is if the filmmakers never made the movie and instead invested the money into a nice mutual fund and then, years later, withdrew that money and handed every lesbian who in the future would have watched a few dollars as an apology for even considering making a movie that terrible.
Mia Jones: I have to go with Lost and Delirious. That was the biggest piece of crap I ever wasted more than two minutes on and that’s only because the first five minutes were hot enough to sit through. It’s been a long time since my first and final viewing — but I remember walking away being like, “Really? A bird metaphor? She (spoiler alert) kills herself!?! WTF!”
I would sit through Bar Girls three times if it meant never having to even think about this movie again — and that’s saying a lot for me.
The Linster: Years ago, shortly after I came out, I went to my first gay film festival. I was beyond excited because one evening was devoted to lesbian movies and shorts. (Film shorts, I mean. Jean shorts were optional.) The cast and crew of a feature length film, Go Fish, would be in attendance. Since the only lesbian feature I knew about was Desert Hearts, I couldn’t wait to see this new “indie” from actual lesbian creators.
I admit that my taste in movies differs from other lesbians, but I still don’t get the hype over Go Fish. I actually got a little queasy watching it. I’ve tried to watch it again at various times since, but I just can’t get past the complete lack of chemistry between the two main characters Max and Ely. As bad as subsequent movies I saw like Claire of the Moon and Bar Girls were, I can never forget my first. I will keep trying, though.