The Hook Up: 2-2-2011

So both my brother and sister are married and breeding babies left and right! I am the youngest and gayest although I have not come out to my entire family (only my mom and that didn’t go over so well). It seems at any family gathering I go to, someone asks, “Hey, when are you gonna find a man and start poppin’ out babies like your brother and sister?” I was wondering your thoughts on how to approach this question without outing yourself at the dinner table, making for a very awkward family gathering.


Anna says: You could send them this form letter. Adapt as needed.

Dear encroaching family member(s),

I appreciate the concern you have regarding my uterus. We are, however, currently not accepting applications for offspring at this time. We’d like to point out that there are many other interesting tidbits about us, which do not involve childbearing, that we are delighted to discuss with you at the dinner table, such as lacrosse, the revolution in Egypt, and chunky shoes. Thank you for inquiring.

Love,
Us (me + uterus)

I don’t know what it is about family that gives them the authority to behave like douchecopters and needle into our personal lives, but they always do! If it’s not babies, it’s, “Are you seeing anyone?” “How’s your love life?” “Why are you such a crippling disappointment to us all?” etc. If you turned any of those questions around on them, it might shut ‘em up quick, but you might also then be seen as unspeakably rude. Plus, no one really wants to know about Aunt Gertie’s love life.

In terms of how to deflect awkward questions away about bebeh makin’ from yourself, and I’m frankly kind of shocked that you’re getting them at 22, there are a few approaches. You can act curt and respond with one-word answers that basically end the conversation before it begins, e.g. “How’s your love life?” “Fine.” You can respond in such a ridiculous manner that no one takes you seriously. Bonus points if you can work in convents, lighting things on fire, or prison. You can also change the subject. Example: “When are you going to reproduce like your siblings?” “My nieces/nephews are so cute, aren’t they? Did you see the latest Facebook pictures of them?” Or ask them about themselves. “I saw you got a new Ford Taurus. That is the shizz. I bet you’re really popular at Luby’s Cafeteria now.”

If the nagging becomes unbearable, then you should probably bite the bullet and come out to more of your extended family, though not at the dinner table per se. If you want to be lazy about it like I was, you can simply tell the most gossipy person in your family that you’re queer, and let that person do the work for you. My dad outed me to most of my Southern aunts, uncles and cousins accidentally, so I didn’t have to. It saved us all a lot of awkward conversations, and for that, as well as for, you know, conceiving me, I am thankful to him. Good luck, and you look great in that Ford Taurus, by the way.

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