Lesson Fifteen: She’s a fixer-upper. How to change your girlfriend to better suit your needs. Why hello there young gay lady. I hear you’ve snaffled yourself a lovely new lesbian-life-partner. Congratulations! She’s beautiful, is she not? Well, obviously aside from that nasty smoking habit, of course. And those slightly, uh, retro shoes. And those rather bothersome little friends she chooses to socialise with. But never mind, you can change all that! Gently, delicately, and with the utmost of etiquette, you can easily transform that little diamond in the rough into the lady-lover of your dreams.
Lead by elegant example Sometimes, a girl may simply need a little guidance. If your ladyfriend is a little on the square side, take her along with you to your next scheduled tattooist appointment. If her favourite guilty pleasure film is Dumb and Dumber, sweetly insist she come along to your next favourite art house film marathon. Gently make clear to her that her own tastes are entirely inferior and before you know it, you’ll have the wonderful, sycophantic relationship you’ve always dreamed of.
Laughter is the best medicine Some ladies who are otherwise potentially wonderful girlfriend material may be held back by a misplaced degree of self-esteem. Perhaps your new lady feels quite content wearing last season’s denim wear, or believes in her right to listen to music because it’s enjoyable, not because it’s cutting edge. Do not fret gay ladies; this can all be corrected with a healthy dose of well-aimed hilarity. She actually liked Eat, Pray, Love? Oh, how cuuuute. She listens to Shania Twain? Oh, stop it – my sides! Enough gently pointed merriment and she’ll soon be hiding these silly quirks from you, and most importantly, from the public.
Educate her We all have unique experiences that arise from different kinds of backgrounds and shape us, so remember to be empathetic as you explore her flaws. Her choices in life may quite possibly extend from the fact that you weren’t around during her formative years to explain to her right from wrong. Luckily, you’re here now! Simply point out which long-held beliefs of hers are entirely erroneous and enlighten her as to the right way of living; she’ll be forever, gratefully, in your debt.
Divide and conquer Still not successful? Your problem could, in fact, be her chums. Possibly, they’ve spent too much time supporting her choices and sharing her taste and not enough time improving her. Gently drive a wedge between her and those weirdo “friends” she hangs around with. You could try subtly mocking them, discussing all the reasons why they’re actually kind of lame, or spend time together with your own infinitely superior friends, who’re far more sympathetic to your girlfriend-improvement aims.
Checklist For handy reference, here are a few things you may wish to improve about your girlfriend in order to achieve a happy, healthy, sexy, fulfilling relationship. Check them off as you go!
Good luck gay ladies!
