I’m fairly new to lovin’ the ladies. I identify as bisexual, but am wondering if that is, as you put it, “Birkenstock blocking me” from meeting bonafide lesbians. My question is basically this: Do you think it’s possible for an inexperienced bisexual girl to hook up with a real deal lesbian in a casual situation? I don’t want a girlfriend, and am afraid they’ll turn their nose up to an offer like that. — Shysexual
Anna says: There are many things a “bonafide, real deal” lesbian could turn her nose up at: climate change deniers, fiber supplements, green eggs and ham on a box but not a fox, etc. This is all, however, speculation because I don’t know what you’re talking about actually. No wait, I do. But let’s never use the phrase “real deal lesbian” again, mmmkay? And not just because it makes me think of Louie Anderson hosting The Family Feud, which is, coincidentally, guaranteed to turn this bonafide bisexual’s nose up faster than a Mormon on a Segway.
What you want is a woman who is sapphically experienced in bed, regardless of her identity politics. I say that because we police each other far too much when it comes to labels (I’m guilty of it, too), but if you’re looking for a casual encounter, then why not cast your net as wide as possible? Also, to really belabor this point to death, there are people who identify as lesbians who have very little sexual experience, too. It’s just like what Shakespeare said about names in Romeo and Juliet, “A rose by any other name wouldn’t smell your sheets.” Or whatever that saying is. I don’t know; I’m not Google. Look it up yourselves.
Moving on then. Yes, of course there are girls out there who would love to teach your virginal self a thing or two in the sack. If you’ve already tapped your circle of queer lady friends (or you don’t have any, or you have healthy friendships that don’t involve doing the horizontal ham smurf), then the next available recourse is to go online. There are some who will balk at your bisexuality and others who will balk at you not wanting a girlfriend, but if you walk the walk, then you can also balk the balk! Then thank them for not wasting your time any more than they already have.
If you need to, you can fib and check the box that says “gay” (that’ll reduce the amount of interest you get from dudes anyway), as long as you don’t fib about your intentions, i.e. that you just want a casual hook up. Per the usual online dating etiquette, don’t be afraid to detail exactly what you’re looking for, but don’t also be so specific that you negate reality. The better you can articulate your desires, the easier it’ll be for potential partners to find you.
For instance, a one night stand is much different than an ongoing friend-with-benefits type situation. Also, whether online or at a bar or other sexified space (weddings, girlfriend), keep the dialogue breezy and devoid of heavy topics. This includes your exes, the political ramifications of EZ Cheez, how your loneliness is making you consider the purchase of a robot blob pillow, etc. Basically nothing you’d tell a therapist.
Now screw up your courage, go out there and find you some fun. It is, after all, the best way to chase those winter blues away. Good luck!