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How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Twelve

Lesson Twelve: Dude, she has actual horns! How to politely let your friend know that her new girlfriend is evil. Gather round everyone, it’s time for a story. Everybody comfortable? Wonderful! Here we go:

Oh my stars, you don’t still believe in fairy tales do you? Because that one, my kittens, I’m sad to inform you, is made up of 100 percent, undiluted piffle. If it was remotely true then the following lesson would be quite unnecessary and young lesbians everywhere could befreed from lying awake in terror every night, imagining that gruesome spectre as told to them by their elders in The Tale of The Toxic Lesbian.

As it is, my sweet gay ladies, the Toxic Lesbian (henceforth referred to as the Toxbian) truly does exist. (Halloween may be over, but I, for one, keep getting chills down my spine and feeling the need to turn and check behind me the entire time I’m writing this.) But forewarned is forearmed my lovelies and while god forbid itshould happen at all, one day, it may be up to you – you wondrous chivalrous beings – to protect a more vulnerable friend from their clutches. The Tale of the Toxbian Gay ladies, you will not know the the Toxbian by her menacing claws, her horns and tail, or her brutally large, shiny teeth. Alas, she is a master of disguise and may come across as simply cheeky, free-spirited or a tad emo. Before you know it, your friend will be under her spell, oblivious to the danger she is in. Do not be afraid! Simply keep a handwritten copyof this exact article upon your person at all times (um, or save it to your iPhone), so you can refer to it whenever your gay spidey-senses start to tingle.

Imaginary But Still Extremely Lifelike Scenario Number One : Yourfriend has met a new girl and they are “in love, oh my god you have no idea, I think she’s the one”. She’s dying for you to meet her so you can give your Official Approval/Swoon at Her Unbelievable Amazingness, and so off you all head to your Local Gay Lady Liquor Serving Establishment which everyone complains about but still blindly supports.Your friend is glowing with adoration and you’re just happy she’s happy, so at first, you ignore a couple of teensy warning signs, such asthe new girlfriend’s too early intoxication and tendency to monopolise the conversation. She’s just nervous and keen to impress you, right? Quite possible, you sweet forgiving creatures. Do not ye rush to hasty judgement. But during the course of the evening, keep your eye out for any of the following signs that your friend has been bewitched by a Toxbian: 1. The new girlfriend hits on you. Her new lady lover’s trusted friend. Of course, loads of lesbians flirt platonically, as a way to make friends and influence people – that’s OK. What’s not OK is the girlfriend of someone you care about, trying to make out with your face. This lady is quite clearly…

2. You notice her flirting with someone else. And then someone else. And dirty dancing with someone else again. See above, re: casual flirting. But if your friend is making that brave “No really, it’s fine, I don’t mind, it’s just that I can’t stop staring worriedly,” face, then …

3. Your friend hangs on the lady’s every word, but her new girlfriend talks over top of her, interrupts her, ignores her, or makes fun of her. No need to get your (stripy boy-leg) knickers in a knot, everyone gets carried away sometimes and we all like to tease the ones we love. But if it isn’t balanced out by plenty of positive attention, returning of adoring gazes and the dishing out of wonderfully improbable bragging about/compliments towards your friend, then the verdict is again …

4. You can’t get a second alone with your friend. Not just because she has her new girlfriend constantly stuck to her face, but also because her new lady’s idea of romance is that your friend now belongs to her, and as such, any privacy or independence is suspicious and must be immediately crushed. Yeah, you’re getting it now – controlling and isolating behaviour?

5. She’s a drama queen. Oh, we gay ladies adore drama, do we not? Every last one of us has had a dramatic stage, which hopefully, we go on to shed with age or maturity. But if it turns out this lady has deliberately staged the evening’s proceedingsto occur somewhere she knew her extremely recent ex-girlfriend would bein order to instigate some kind of screaming/sobbing stand-off, or she deliberately stirs up tension just to see where it goes, I’m going to goahead ladies, and start thinking along the lines of…

6. There’s aggression. No matter at whom it is directed toward. What is it with gay ladies who think that verbal or physical aggression somehow equates with ‘sexy and tough’? It doesn’t. It’s the ultimate in ugly. Also?

Imaginary But Still Extremely Lifelike Scenario Number Two: Afew hours later your friend drags you into a quiet corner and says “Dude! She’s amazing right? Don’t you love her? I love her. Let’s marry her! Amiright?!” So: what do you do, punk? What do you do?

Well my little chickpeas, you have two options and two options only. 1. Tell the truth. “Let us be frank, darling. She’s frightfully indecorous, as well as a shockingly bad listener and I saw her making out with another lady. I do apologise, but it is my duty to inform you that I believe your union is quite utterly doomed.” To which your friend will reply, “Why thank you, gentle friend. I appreciate your clarity and foresight and I shall break up with her forthwith.”

Yourfriend is one hundred percent likely to respond with wrath. “You don’tget it! You don’t understand her unique perfection! We shall never speak of this again, but you will indeed dance at our imminent wedding and you will be overjoyed about it whether you like it or not!” and then you’ll have to call her in the morning and pretend she’s right. 2. Lie. Lie like you’ve never lied in your life. “She’s simply wonderful!” you’ll say through gritted teeth. “Her beauty is unrivalled amongst women and her manners are impeccable. What a glorious find you devilishly lucky creature, you.” And then you’ll have to watch, painfully, as your friend gets her heart stomped to shreds.

Hold up! There’s actually a third option. Math was never my strong subject. 3. Be diplomatic. The most appropriate, tasteful, and ultimately caring course of action is to reserve judgement. Don’t pretend to be blind to her girlfriend’s bad behaviour, but don’t go on about it either – if you push it too much she’ll have no one to talk to for fear of hearing “I told you so.” Ensure instead that your friend knows that she, independent of who she dates, is wonderful and loved no matter what, that she deserves to be treated well, and that she doesn’t have to settle. Then set her girlfriend’s house on fire. NO GAY LADIES, NO!

Instead,remind your friend, and remind yourself (toxbians exist in every town) that it takes a really (really) long time to get to know somebody. Take the time. No one should keep their heart under lock and key, but don’tthrow the gates wide open to someone you’ve just met either. Um, that’s not a metaphor for anything else, OK?

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