Lesson Eleven: Going up in flames – How to be a part of an online community Gay ladies, let me ask you this: who are you IRL? Are you a different person altogether when you’re online? Does the internet allow you to develop a new persona, one who performs another role and speaks entirely differently than you do in the outside world? It does?! Not to be a bitch or anything, but YOU’RE SO FRICKIN’ WEIRD! Personally, I am exactly the same online as I am offline; I walk around constantly correcting everyones P’s & Q’s whilst wearing a dainty apron and setting the dinner table just so.
Now that we have established that I am nothing if not consistently perfect and honest in every possible way, I think it’s quite clear that I’m impeccably placed to provide you with today’s lesson regarding online community etiquette. Firstly, a philosophical discussion. Gentle ladies, be honest with me: how much time do you spend on the internet during a single day? Five minutes? Twelve hours? Somewhere in between? Do you check in and out of your Facebook, Twitter – and of course, AfterEllen.com – at various intervals throughout your day, maybe from your work computer, maybe from your phone? At which point then, do you make the magical switch between Real Life You and Online You? Have you ever met face-to-face with someone whom you’d previously spoken to online? Have you ever sent a Facebook message or a Tweet to someone with whom you have had sweaty relations? What I’m asking, my dear thoughtful creatures, is whether you still think that the internet is indeed a whole separate world away from ‘in real life’ anymore?
Choose your own adventure! Path A: Nodding sincerely with a gently radiant smile, you agree that ‘IRL’ is indeed now a redundant term. You Facebook is under your real name after all, and when you express your opinion online somewhere, it’s an outlet for your real voice to be heard. Path B: Frowning somewhat, you disagree, politely but firmly. The internet is a whole other magical world you can only enter via the right combination of mystical strokes on a keyboard. You can be anyone you want in there, and that is precisely why it is wonderful. If you chose Path A then come on in, honeypie, and make yourself comfortable! Tea? Cupcakes? Take a seat over there, amongst your friends – some you’ve known forever and somee you’re about to meet – and show us all the parts of who you are, the parts we might not otherwise get to see. Tell us about the things you love and hate, what you believe in and what makes you laugh. Stand up and make your voice heard. Show us all what you stand for and the person you truly are inside.
If you chose Path B push hard now at the back wall of your wardrobe and arrive at an undiscovered land, filled with wonder, brand new colours and a myriad of different views sparkling under a sun that never ever sets. Welcome! Smell the fresh air – so different from home! You’re free here, free to be anyone or anything! What kind of person will you choose to be? How would you like to represent yourself? You can have a whole new clean slate, with none of your past injuries or mistakes weighing you down, unmuddied by anyone else’s preconceived ideas of who you should be. You have so much potential here!
A brief definition: What makes up an ‘online community’ and how do you know when you’re in one? If you can pick a user name, leave comments and get into discussions with others then you’re in a community. If people are wearing matching robes and asking for cash donations, you’re in a cult. Quick, turn back! We’ll let you leave at any time, I promise (rubs hands together gleefully). In an online community, we don’t all live next door to each other; we don’t have the same schools, pubs and corner shops, or over-zealous parking inspectors to complain about, but our community is real all the same. And like all communities, it’s the people who reside there who determine its character. If neighbours shout abuse at each other, ignore the vulnerable members, treat each other with impatience and disrespect or clog the place up with garbage, then no one feels safe. And if no one feels safe, then no one will lend you a cup of sugar when you need it, there’ll be no more street BBQs and people will let their dogs poo on your front lawn.
A plea for the importance of reading comprehension The best part about an online community, aside from the fact that anyone from anywhere can join, is that they’re all about communicating feelings and ideas. So many delicious words, from so many interesting people, all explaining our world over and over to each other and in piles of different ways. Amazing! And the best part is, they’re all written down, so you can’t miss a thing. Well, you could, I suppose, if you skimmed them quickly, and then rattled off an outraged response quick as a flash, without pausing over your teacup to reread or rethink what the person might actually be saying, or questioning if it is in fact necessary for you to take offence in the first place. Maybe there might be another more constructive way of dealing with a difference of opinion.
Patience, respect, and other extremely sexy online virtues The thing about an online community is that everyone there is exactly the same. Everyone has the same skin colour, the same sexual orientation, the same gender, the same favourite band and the same most beloved TV show. Everyone is identical and no one ever disagrees with anyone.
The thing about an online community is that everyone is different and that’s why we want to talk to each other in the first place. Otherwise, we’d all make our own websites and talk to ourselves. Sometimes we hear about stuff that we think is irrelevant or lame. We might read about other people’s passions and think “I don’t get that” or “I disagree” but here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter, because we just learned something about what makes someone else tick. And by recognising our own likes and dislikes, turn-ons and turn-offs, we learned something about ourselves as well. Reality Check Remember my claim that an online community is no less real than your own neighbourhood? That’s because behind every user name and photo there is a real person, with a real name and a real life (unless you’re a robot spammer. Not to be a bitch or anything but please GTFO.) Maybe the person behind the user pic is fifteen years old and your community is the only place where she can talk about her life. Possibly, she lives somewhere you’ve never heard of. Maybe ‘in real life’ the person you’re interacting with has met with nothing but injustice and indifference, ever since she first drew breath. Maybe, just maybe, she’s secretly that hot girl you gaze longingly at during work every day but assume is straight.
Real people have real histories and real contexts that make them who they are. They have real feelings. You’re not just a user name, you’re real too. Wait, just for a second. Close your eyes, before you click ‘post comment’. Imagine you’re sitting face to face, across the table in a cafe with the person you’re about to respond to. Would you say that to their face? Or would you look at them more closely, meet their eyes and wonder about their life? Take a deep breath and try to connect?
