The Hook Up: 10-20-2010

I have recently come out in my mid-to-late 20s. I already feel like this is kind of an odd age to come out, seeing as most gay ladies I know came out in their late teens/early twenties. I am also a super femme. I like dresses, makeup, long hair, heels, etc. My first relationship with a woman just ended and I want to go out and meet girls. I feel like my appearance is hindering this a little though.

I don’t know any very femme lesbians. When I go to the gay bars I feel like I get dismissed a lot as a straight tag-along, especially because I have many straight friends. How do I deal with this? How can I go to a gay bar and give off a vibe that I’m open to meeting women?

Anna says: I’ve never understood this phenomenon. I’m femmey, not "super femme," as you describe yourself, but I do wear tights sometimes. And, often, a cape. Let me ask you this, since we obviously aren’t actually engaging in dialogue because I am drinking a 40 on the floor of my room and listening to Avril Lavigne un-ironically: when you go to these “bars,” are you waiting around for someone to pick you up, or are you actually pursuing and flirting with people who are then dismissing you because you don’t have a fauxhawk and three popped collars? Because if it’s the former, then it’s not your non-sensible shoes that are Birkenstock-blocking you.

It’s like when I stay out until 2 a.m., then go home and instead of sleeping, decide to re-read all my g-chats from the last week, research the difference between yams and sweet potatoes, and is it true that a lesbian owns Victoria’s Secret, and what has Kanye West said on Twitter today, and then wonder why I am so tired the next day at work.

So, there will be no more talk of “vibes” here (unless we are talking about the kind that come with batteries, but that will only further lead me down a tangent and I’ve already wasted a paragraph on an analogy that probably only I think is funny). What were we talking about? Oh right, you meeting chicks.

You must be pro-active, like the acne medication that Katy Pery sells on bus stop advertisements. Flirt shamelessly. If you want to do the “helpless femme” routine aka “topping from the bottom,” you can ask your gal of choice to teach you how to hold a pool stick, her opinion on what music to play at the jukebox, her help with getting the bartender’s attention because having cleavage doesn’t give you an advantage in gay bars for some reason, her take on a made-up debate you and your friend were having about who’s the hotter vampire slayer: Faith or Buffy, etc.

It doesn’t even have to be creative; sometimes you just have to get the ball rolling. A simple: “I really like your chain wallet/Old Navy cargo pants/sensible shoes” is a perfectly fine conversation starter at a gay bar. Make lots of eye contact. Stop short of creepy staring contests though. Touch her arm. Offer to buy her a round of Sex and The Cit-inis, or whatever people are drinking these days. Showing interest in someone has very little to do with where you fall on the femme-to-butch scale. It’s all about confidence, conversation and copious amounts of booze. At least that’s what they tell me. If I ever drink in the company of others again, I’ll let you know.

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