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The Hook Up: 10-7-2010

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now, with a brief week-long break a couple months ago. Our relationship has been a bit of a roller coaster. I’m the first girl she’s ever dated, which isn’t really the issue, but may be adding to the craziness. The real “problem” is that she’s unbelievably eager to jump into life-long commitment. This may be due to the fact that the last guy she dated she was set on marrying. Or maybe because she’s a little (very) insecure.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m crazy about her, but she freaks every time my ex texts me (she’s still adjusting to the lesbian world of ex’s as friends) or if even a guy chats me up. (I mean, really?)

So I guess I’m looking for ways to finally quell her worrisome self, because the stress that comes with it is pretty rough. I’m 100% committed to her but she doesn’t seem to believe our relationship could really be so solid. And how do I make her stop talking about marriage? I would love to some day, but in my opinion we’re way to young to be thinking about that.

Sincerely,

Tired in Texas

Anna says:

You’ve been together a year and she still doesn’t trust you? That’s worrisome, Tired – especially since the lesbian learning curve is usually quite steep. The ex texts are a level 101 course in Lez Ed, coming right before, I think, Flannel 102: Have the Hipsters Stolen Our Identity? Assuming you haven’t given her genuine cause to be alarmed or jealous, it sounds like she’s suffering from plain ol’ insecurity, which is much less sexy, I’m afraid, than Ginsecurity, or fear of becoming straight when intoxicated.

Quelling an anxious lover is no easy feat. For some newbies, especially ones who are on the marriage and/or baby track, it can be nerve-wracking not knowing where a relationship is headed. Reassure her that you’re crazy about her, but that you’re also not ready to pick out matching grave plots or anything. Ask her what it is about marriage that she’s so stoked about. Is it the commitment? The public declaration of love? The Crate and Barrel gift registry? Some people get so caught up in the idealism of weddings/marriage that they fail to see that they pretty much already have everything, minus the crystal gravy boats, probably.

Your girlfriend, I’m guessing, doesn’t spend a lot of time pursuing her own hobbies or hanging out with friends. She needs to start, like, yesterday. The busier someone is, the less needy they are. Of course, don’t go signing your girlfriend up for Didgeridoo lessons just to get her off your back, but I think you catch my drift. If you are always available to her, make yourself less so. Adding some space into your relationship will help her see that you each have your own lives that need maintaining.

Good luck!

I am a newbie to bisexuality. I have always found girls very attractive and have made out with more than a few from time to time, but I never wanted to claim any titles (bisexual for example) because I was afraid that accepting it would mean I had to change who I was and come out to all my family and friends. While I am now over that obstacle, I have run into another.

Seeing as I am ready to begin dating girls and taking my relationships with them as more than just an “experiment,” I am stuck with the stupid feeling that I am not going to be able to find any girls to date! I am in my senior year of high school and I have yet to run into any girls in my school that are single and interested in girls! (All the ones I have met are either completely not my type or in a serious relationship.)

Do you have any ideas of how I can meet girls? Am I destined to have to sit through a Gay/Straight alliance meeting?

Anna says: You know, youngin’, back in my day, we didn’t even have Gay/Straight Alliance meetings. Or Bravo. Sometimes though, we could squint during My So Called Life and Jared Leto could sort of almost pass as a lesbian. And we had to walk 10 miles in the snow just to find the latest Ani DiFranco’s CD – which we had to listen to on a Discman- uphill both ways. Or however that story goes.

Sure, GSA meetings can be about as riveting as the produce aisle at Safeway, but they are a great place to start. Even if you don’t find your next make out partner there, you’ll be connected to potential friends and resources. And hey, they might have bi/gay friends they can introduce you too. Though the times are a-changin’, most queers aren’t out in high school, so you’ll probably want to cast your net a little wider than those at your school. If you’re in a biggish city, usually (though not always), there are bars/clubs that will admit you as long as you’re 18. So that’s one outlet.

Speaking of bisexuals, I’m going to pull an Amanda Palmer and quote myself, if you’ll indulge me.

“Extensive internet research on the topic of meeting women yielded few results that weren’t really obvious or dumb … One site even suggested, without the faintest bit of irony, that you ‘join the local bird watchers group.’ (We prefer to be called Audubons, thank you.) But if you’re not Gertrude Stein, meaning dead, you might want to seek other venues. Like volunteering. Lesbians love to save things – whales, orphans, Jennifer Beals’ career – and volunteering has the added bonus of making you feel good about yourself.”

And let’s not forget that blessed invention known as the internet. Since you’re not reading AfterEllen.com on a stone tablet, I’m guessing you’ve heard of it. Check out OkCupid or any of the myriad free dating sites out there. Be smart about it, of course, and safe, and heed all the usual warnings about meeting strangers from the internet. But then, hop to it.

Got a question? Send it to [email protected]

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a professional tweeter/blogger for Mother Jones and a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley.

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