The Hook-Up: 8-25-2010


Dear Anna,

I’ve known this girl for four years and we’ve been friends the whole time. But a while ago, I started to like her. I thought she might be gay, too, because, well, she’s a) never had a boyfriend, b) never talks to or about guys and c) she just has a queer vibe about her.

I consulted many of my friends, all of whom agree there is no way this girl is straight. One friend even thought that we were secretly dating. She often said strange, not terribly friend-appropriate things to me and always wants me to be near her if we’re in the same setting. She’s moving five hours away in the fall for university and she’s been asking if I’m going to come visit her.

Unfortunately, this is a crush I cannot shake and has turned out to be really really bad for me. It started April of 2009 and carries on to this very day. She knows I’m as gay as the day is long, and we’ve gone to parties together and I’ve gotten drunk and inappropriate. When intoxicated, I will stroke her face and ears, her thumbs, give her excessive hugs etc. She’s been sober when this happened and hasn’t told me to [back] off or gotten weird with me.

Here’s the catch: she has said before that she’s not gay, but wouldn’t a straight girl not allow her queer friend to drunkenly somewhat grope her? I just don’t know what to do. I’m pretty much in love with this girl, Anna. I need advice, please help me?

Anna says: My straight friends let me grope them all the time when I’m drunk. Gropeyness is part of the territory of being drunk — like vomiting and dancing maniacally to Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone.” None of those are foolproof indicators of whether someone wants to do you, however. Except the last one: tap that resource like it’s one of the precious sequins on Lady Gaga’s mermaid-crocodile-manatee space suits.

But, that’s not what you asked. Well, it is, but it’s not the more important question. Here’s my advice: Drop her. Drop her like she’s one of Jane Lynch’s mammoth Cheerios trophies on Glee, and Jane is chasing you with a menacing-looking stopwatch and that eyebrow arch of fire and dismay she uses against everybody.

Your crush’s moving away in the fall will make dropping her somewhat easier. But you need to move on. This isn’t to say that she’s not gonna come around someday (and if cosmic irony has its way, it’ll likely happen right around the time that you’ve forgotten all about her), but you need a new crush. Unless you’re content to drink Miller High Life and rub her ears forever. Which you’re not. I’ve just decided for you. (That one’s a freebie!)

You’ve clearly spent a lot of time and energy on figuring this girl out, which, hey, I’m not going to harp on your hobbies — mine include moshing and canasta tournaments — but analyzing every little behavior of hers has gotten you nowhere. Well, that’s not true — it led you to me! And I applaud her for that. But really, you’re awesome and you deserve better. I can tell because you mentioned wearing a hardhat in the part of your question I had to cut out because, my god woman, I’m only allowed 1,000 words in this column!

My point is, who doesn’t love a woman in a hardhat? No one, especially not Jane Lynch, who is still chasing you, my friend, so put down the blasted trophy. Then we’ll talk. No, not about your crush. Are you even listening to me?

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