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How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Six

Gay ladies, do you ever find yourself too shy to initiate conversation with any of the beautiful and beguiling girls in your immediate surroundings? Are your immediate surroundings entirely devoid of any beautiful or beguiling girls whatsoever? Do you find that despite your — by now exquisite — manners, you are at your most charming when expressing yourself in writing? Never fear, my sweet ones, the internet is here and it’s come to save you! And of course, I’m right here alongside you, ready to help you navigate the etiquette of online dating and ensure you don’t commit any hideous virtual faux pas.

Choosing your profile picture Ladies, it doesn’t matter how uniquely beautiful you are, if you have the dimensions of a swimsuit model or a face that stops traffic (um, in a hot way): do NOT, under any circumstances, post a real photograph of your real self on any gay lady dating website whatsoever — not so much as an eyelash or a pinkie finger — unless that body part belongs to Angelina Jolie. From my extensive research perusing hundreds of gay and bisexual ladies’ personal profiles for your benefit, I have concluded that it is positively de rigueur to post a picture of a celebrity rather than of oneself (well, unless of course I’m mistaken and gay lady dating sites are in fact obsessively populated by Angelina herself, in which case I bet she keeps picking those movie stills/publicity shots rather than the ones from her personal collection/odd angles taken by her web-cam, just in case Brad finds out.) From this observation, I can only surmise that the gay ladies frequenting online dating websites belong to one of the following subsets:

Gay ladies who are Angeline Jolie Gay ladies who have never heard of Angelina Jolie and who are probably constantly surprised by how many sultry brunettes frequent Gaydar Girls Gay ladies who look so strikingly similar to Angelina Jolie that they figure they might as well just grab a picture from E! Online, rather than waste all that effort rummaging through their own photo albums. Therefore, my lovely ladies, prior to creating your online profile, ensure you have sourced an appropriately sized photograph of Ange (taken from her good angle) and you will be guaranteed success in all your ensuing dating endeavors. Alternatively, choose a picture of Shane. Everyone else does.

Tips for writing the perfect profile Content: Now, my dears, I would never ever encourage you to lie; that would be unethical. Instead, you must embellish, exaggerate, hyperbolize, inflate, magnify, amplify, and make only minimal use of the truth. No one wants to know YOU! You’re boring and full of contradictions, insecurities and flaws. Imagine how many hot dates you could score if you were an astrophysicist with a modeling career on the side? If you’d co-written Beyonce’s biggest hits? If you were heir to one of the lesser-known European thrones? Note: Continuity is critical. In order to avoid large-scale social humiliation in the future, please remember to be consistent. If your online potential date believes that you’re closely related to Madonna, then the night before your gay wedding is not the time to reveal the truth. Hire a Madonna impersonator to attend the reception and all future family Christmases, and book well ahead to cover the high school graduation of your first-born.

Style: Sometimes being incoherent is, quite frankly, for the best. BiG tiPs fOr WRiTinG iN fUnKY sTyLes and OVERUSE OF CAPS AND! EXCLAMATION! MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Spell-check is opshonall. Txt Spk = hot. For those gay ladies short on time, I suggest the use of approved (or spontaneously created) abbreviations. Here is my own sample ad:

LCO WPWS seeks HBF for BG play and RIBT. Must have GSOH and an appreciation for MLJDD. No JBF need apply. Translation: Lesbian Cat Owner Who Prefers Wearing Sneakers seeks Hot Blonde Femme for Board Game playing and Reading in Bed Together. Must have Good Sense of Humour and an appreciation for My Lame Jokes and Dorky Dancing. No Justin Bieber fans need apply.

In reality, this profile wouldn’t have a key to abbreviations used. I find it adds to the sense of mystique.

Remember, Safety First: Never agree to meet someone you’ve met online at their own home. Or in a public place. Or at all. Ever. This way you’ll ensure that you maintain an irresistible air of mystery at all times and your online paramour will never see you on a bad hair day, or drop by your house when you haven’t shaved your legs. Thankfully, she’ll never be witness to your morning breath either, or your once-a-month momentary insanity, or the way you sing off-key in the shower. You’ll never have to be embarrassed in front of her because you cry at children’s movies, or because she discovered your secret Best of Britney playlist. You’ll always be alluring, perfect and completely and utterly untouchable. Thank god for the internet!

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