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How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Five

Now then ladies, it’s been a whole fortnight since our last discussion, so tell me, please, how did you go? How many lovely gay ladies have you left swooning in the wake of your new and politely charming seductive strategies? I’ve been waiting patiently to hear all your success stories of hot, well-mannered lovin’ and contemplating how best to proceed from here. Maybe it’s time for first date etiquette? Morning after etiquette, perhaps? But then I realised how long it’s been since you first scurried out into the world with your eyes shining bright with hope and your new manners polished as brightly as your sneakers…two whole weeks! That’s at least eighteen months in gay lady dating years. You’re clearly way beyond all that amateur dating stuff: Let’s talk about relationships.

Oh yes gay ladies, you did just hear me right. Etiquette is still important in relationships, no matter how settled and established they are. Just because you’ve bagged the girl, doesn’t mean you can just relax and let it all go, no indeed! As all properly qualified relationship experts will tell you, bad manners are the number one reason worldwide for relationship failure. Show that special gay lady in your life just how much you care, by remembering to say please and thank you and apologising unreservedly when you f-ck sh-t up. But those are just the basics. Here are my crucial tips for long-term relationship etiquette: Move in Together The sooner the better. If you don’t move in with her by the end of your fifth week of dating, your ladyfriend will quickly come to believe that you’re just not that into her. Before you know it, you’ll be dumped and out for ‘just friends’ coffee with your now ex-ladyfriend while she tells you all about Laura, the new love of her life who cut her a door key after two wonderful nights together and the cat they now share. For the love of god, ladies, do not by any means hesitate: Move in at once! You’ll be amazed at how much Quality Intimate Lady Time you’ll suddenly have once you start spending every waking moment in each other’s presence.

Dress Alike Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and a ladyfriend can never have too much flattery. Start off slowly by stealing items of her own wardrobe and appropriating it as your own. If your difference in physique is such that this will not succeed, go out and buy identical items in which to clothe yourself. Next comes matching hair. Surprise your ladyfriend by initiating a romantic outing to the hairdressers together and ask for ‘The Gay Lady Special’ (most hairstylists offer discounts on Tuesdays for this particular deal, so be sure to ask – politely). When you go out together and even your friends start asking if you’re sisters, then you’ll you know you’ve achieved new heights in gay lady romance.

Tattoos Nothing says ‘We’ve just met and I rather like you’ like getting it permanently inked into your skin. If it’s still early days (within the first fortnight perhaps) then I would recommend having your love translated into a symbol, or perhaps a language of which you are entirely ignorant so that on the off-chance your relationship doesn’t last as long as your body does, you can at least attribute an alternative meaning to it for any future lady-lovers. However, if your relationship is a long-term, stable one (i.e. around the three month mark) then feel free to get her name inscribed in full. Be sure to give it pride of place ABOVE those of your previous ladyfriends, just below the one of your cat’s face, so that she will know that this time, it’s for realz.

Develop Identical Tastes I’m sorry, but did I just hear one of you try tell me that difference was ‘sexy’? Who said that? Get out of my classroom! Filth. You’re not even a real gay lady, I’m sure of it. Listen ladies, nothing is more attractive than dating someone who looks, thinks, feels and believes identically to yourself. If you find your ladyfriend disagreeing with your taste on ANY level – film, books, television, preference for how you take your tea – you have one option, and one option only: you must break up with her immediately. Well, that or change your preferences to match hers, obviously. That little upstart down the back there, mumbling about debate being healthy and learning new things from your partner, is failing at being a gay lady and possibly at life. There is a touching example in Greek mythology which proper lesbians have been aspiring to emulate ever since the dawn of gay lady time. It’s about Narcissus…and his beautiful lover, coincidentally also named Narcissus. Dreamy sigh…and the story ends as romantically as yours will too.

Burning etiquette questions? Tweet Ruth! @RuthCallander

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