The Hook Up: 7-20-2010


Hi Anna! I would like to say that I love you column and your advice is great!So, naturally, I have a question. I am 20 and in college. My girlfriend and I have been together for just about a year now. She is my first girlfriend and I’m completely in love with her. But the last few months we’ve been fighting a lot.

Sex and jealousy are big issues but mostly we’ve been fighting because our schedules are all over the place, so we’re kind of like passing ships in the night. We talk more than we see one another, so I would guess that would be our major issue.

Neither of us are out to our families so when I go see her it’s not like we can be affectionate towards each other. So, I guess I need advice on how to deal with it and how to fix things so I don’t lose her.

Anna says: If you’ve been together for a year, then your parents probably already know about your gf. They may not know about “sexting” or what the deal with that “Twitters” thing is, but most parents aren’t oblivious to important romantic relationships.

Is there a good reason you’re keeping your relationship on the DL? Are you financially dependent on your parents for school? Would they kick you out of your house? If not, then coming clean might help alleviate some of your fights. Also, it does put a tremendous amount of stress on a person when they have to lie constantly about who they are. For instance, when I was finally able to admit that I loved Evanescence — and not in an ironic way — it was like a great weight had been lifted. Yes, I lost some friends over it, but the real ones stuck around, some even came out to me as well, and then we hugged and sat around cross-legged in a circle, humming along to “Call Me When You’re Sober” and crying softly into our Amy Lee hoodies.

If you’re not comfortable coming out, then be proactive about scheduling time with her. To paraphrase the late great Robert Atkins from his book, The Atkins Diet Revolution, “I think that if a person wants to remain vegetarian, they’re just going to have to go hungry.” Meaning, if something is important to you, as non sequitur quotes are to me, you will always make time to do it, despite difficult schedules. Even if you can’t be together 24/7, that’s OK. Enjoy the time you do have together and spend the rest of your time, you know, having your own life.

We have this cute tendency in relationships of dropping everything else that’s important to us when we find a hot girl to share malted milkshakes with and cry over Evanescence. I’m telling you to resist that! If spending less time together (intentionally) doesn’t curb your fighting, then there might be deeper issues at stake. It’ll be up to you whether you want to work through them or bark up another bush. I mean tree.

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