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Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (March 16, 2007)

NOTHING CURES HETERO HEARTBREAK LIKE A NICE HOT LESBIAN AFFAIR

Long-running British soap Emmerdale, which had a lesbian teen story line last year, is dipping its carefully manicured toes into the lesbian waters again: Sammy Winward’s character, Katie Sugden, whose husband recently left her for another woman, is going to have a lesbian relationship, according to co-star Verity Rushworth, who recently told Britain’s Daily Sport newspaper: “I probably shouldn’t say this but there’s going to be an exciting new storyline involving Katie Sugden. Let’s just say Katie turns to females, to other females, to find true love.”

Here’s an introduction to Ms. Winward for those of us in the States:

Katie’s girlfriend has yet to be cast, but an unnamed insider at the show told the newspaper, “It’ll be the sexiest thing we’ve seen in soap for a long, long time.” Meanwhile, the sexiest thing we’ve seen on American soaps in a long time is Bianca hooking up with Zarf on All My Children. And that’s so, so not sexy.

OH REALLY

I managed to sneak a clip of the opening credits for the upcoming lesbian comedy/relationship series Exes and Oh’s, slated to debut on Logo in the fall. Check it out:

I haven’t seen any actual clips of the show yet, but like any good lesbian, I’m quite willing to jump to detailed conclusions based on very little actual information. So here are my observations after watching the 20-second opening credits:

  1. What’s up with a cast of all white women? There’s really no excuse for that in this day and age, when even Fox is telling TV writers not to bother submitting pilots with all-white casts. Maybe the Exes and Oh’s showrunners thought “redhead” qualified as diversity? That would explain Heather Matarazzo’s hair, at least …
  2. I really like the theme song (it’s “The Constant Lover” by Canadian all-girl band Magneta Lane), especially when compared to that other theme song for that other lesbian show.
  3. Exes and Oh’s is a pretty good name. It reminds me of Quaker Oh’s cereal. I like that cereal. It’s full of Honey Graham goodness.
  4. Michelle Paradise is cool (and funny), and it’ll be great to have a show about lesbians played by lesbians. Well, mostly lesbians, anyway. I think.
  5. Who’s that cute Marnie Alton and where’s she been hiding? She looks like trouble with a capital X.
  6. Angela Featherstone looks so different here from her evil Eliza Dushku-seducing lesbian character in Soul Survivors that I almost didn’t recognize her. Does she get to seduce Eliza on this show too? That would be awesome. I’m just sayin’.

That’s it. I’m all tapped out now. But imagine what I could do if I had a full 30 seconds!

LESBIAN QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“One of the things I always try to do is make movies that are super political, but also super palatable. That combination, I believe, is actually more radical.” – Itty Bitty Titty Committee and But I’m a Cheerleader director Jamie Babbit to Cinematical.

WHEN LESBIANS ATTACK

This week saw the DVD release of The Pleasure Drivers, a crime thriller whose eclectic cast includes Lauren Holly (What Women Want, Dumb & Dumber), Jason Mewes (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Clerks), Angus Macfadyen (Saw III, Braveheart), Lacey Chabert (Mean Girls), Rachel Dratch (30 Rock, Saturday Night Live), Angelo Spizzirri (The Rookie), Meat Loaf, and out actress Jill Bennett (In Her Line of Fire).

The plot’s a little difficult to explain, but there are apparently three interconnected stories involving a psychology professor who has lost touch with reality (Macfadyen); a young, sociopathic call girl (Chabert); a recovering crack addict and kidnapper (Holly); a junkyard alcoholic (Meat Loaf); a brain-damaged former cult guru (Spizzirri); dueling gas station attendants (Dratch and Mewes); and a vicious lesbian hitwoman played by Bennett, pictured below:

I haven’t seen the film yet, so I have no idea whether it’s any good, but a lesbian actress playing a lesbian hitwoman with a gun? I’ll check it out. Sounds like the plot from Smokin’ Aces before some genius screenwriter decided to have Alicia Keys’ character fall for a guy. It’s probably about as cheery.

DORY THE FISH AND SORORITY SISTER MURPHY ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE …

Rumors are flyin’ that Ellen and Portia are getting married this summer, but it’s all based on statements made by a single unnamed source to the National Enquirer (“Portia demanded that Ellen marry her. After lots of talk and plenty of hints, Portia finally confronted Ellen right after the Oscars about making a commitment.”) and the story’s not being reported by any legitimate news sources so far. That doesn’t mean it’s necessarily untrue, but it hardly warrants the rash of headlines from other sources now claiming “Ellen and Portia to Wed!”, “Ellen Pops the Question!” and “Ellen Adopts a Vietnamese Son!” Oh wait, I mixed that last one up with an Angelina Jolie headline. Hard to keep all this really important celebrity news straight.

They do make an attractive couple, though!

I like the thread someone started in our forum asking who you’d rather date, Ellen or Portia. Hmm, that’s a tough one. But even tougher? Choosing between the characters they’ve played. Would you date Ellen Morgan from Ellen or Nell from Ally McBeal? Martha from Mr. Wrong or Lindsay from Arrested Development? Dory from Finding Nemo or Sorority Sister Murphy from Scream 2? I think I’m going with the animated fish on that last one …

SHE GETS AROUND. NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

A reader (thanks Elishia!) tipped me off to the very sexy lesbian-themed music video for “I Get Around” from the hot new Canadian band Dragonette. Sadly, lead singer Martina is married to the bass player, Dan, so she’s not actually gay in real life. Nor is she a champion tennis player. But the video is hot and pro-lesbian, so I’m willing to overlook that detail.

You kids today with your rock ‘n’ roll music!

QUEER CENTS AND SENSIBILITY

Worried your girlfriend is just with you for your money? Love Bad Girls but don’t want to join Richard Hatch in jail for tax evasion? Then check out queercents.com, a new-ish website founded by a lesbian (all the best ones are, right?) that features gays and lesbians blogging about how to manage your money, with the very funny tagline, “We’re here, we’re queer, and we’re not going shopping without coupons.”

There’s a little something at QueerCents for everyone, from advice on philanthropy to picking a financial planner to cheating on your taxes. (I don’t want to spoil it for you, but they’re against it.) My favorite section? Sleeping With Money, devoted to managing money and your romantic relationships.

Sections still reportedly under consideration include You Say “Cheap Date” Like That’s a Bad Thing, Lesbians Who Have Money and the Lesbians Who Want to Sleep With Them, and The Helena Peabody Guide to Gambling Your Way to Financial Security.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

Itty Bitty Titty Committee won the jury prize for Best Narrative Feature at the SXSW film festival this week.

Nominees for this year’s Daytime Emmys were announced this week: The Ellen DeGeneres Show received 12 nominations (including Outstanding Talk Show and Outstanding Talk Show Host) and The View earned 10.

A closeted lesbian publicist with many secret lovers was one of the murder victims on Fox’s Bones this week. Sadly, her list of lovers did not include Emily Deschanel’s character.

After 18 years, the Lambda Literary Awards has finally added a bisexual book category. You can see finalists for all the categories here.

Cyndi Lauper will be headlining a national “True Colors” tour this summer to benefit various LGBT organizations; find out more details at truecolorstour.com

The second season of Work Out begins on Tuesday, but you can already download the first new episode for free on iTunes.

There’s a new She Said What? episode up now, with guest Ashu Rai, a DJ and party promoter.

Last Monday, we relaunched our Best. Lesbian-ish. Day. Ever. blog on a new server and finally integrated it into the site, so now (1) the pages actually load, for a change and (2) you can comment on the blog posts just like you do articles and forum topics. Plus, now blog posts have tags just like the articles do, so if you read a blog post about, say, Tina Fey and click on the tag “Tina Fey” in the pink box at the bottom of the post, you’ll see both articles and blog posts tagged with that term across AfterEllen.com. The most popular blog posts so far this week? Amy Winehouse is just so good, When Idols become insults, and Avril Lavigne wants to be your girlfriend in 7 languages.

We’ve moved up the time of our AfterEllen.com VIP Cocktail Party at Dinah Shore – it now starts at 8pm on Friday, March 30th, and Maeve Quinlan (South of Nowhere, Girltrash) has joined our list of VIP guests. There’ll also be drinks, hordes of women, and a rousing game of pin the tail on the bi-curious woman whose husband thinks she’s at a baby shower. Don’t miss it!

That’s it for this week! Check back next Friday for a new edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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