Lesbianing with AE! Is There a Future With Your Cheating Flame?

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I’ve recently met a girl and found her to be super interesting. I knew from the get-go that she was in a relationship and never imagined we would be anything more than friends. But on the first date, we both knew that this would be more than friends.. The problem is she’s in a relationship but keeps telling me that she doesn’t feel like there is a home with her girlfriend and has lost all trust in her already. When we are together, we are very happy and can almost see each other everyday. We agree that we are still in early stages of getting to know each other so I am not pushing her to make a decision, but she still hangs out with her girlfriend and travels with her. Am I crazy for believing that after some time, we might end up being together?

– Lost

Hi Lost,

So you’re hanging out with a woman in a relationship, who admits she’s unhappy in her relationship, and hangs out with you every day. Are you two acting as “just friends” or are you physically and emotionally intimate? Because if it’s the latter, and if she’s made an exclusive commitment to her girlfriend, she’s cheating on her with you. Just to make it clear.

The saying goes, if they cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you. If you keep seeing her and ignore the warning signs, she could wind up dating you then finding another women to cheat on you with, while claiming she “just can’t trust” you or “doesn’t feel a home” with you.

I know, not everyone who starts cheating on a partner with a new girl goes on to cheat on the new girl if they wind up together. Just as not everyone is cheating; some people have open relationships.

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But my gut reaction is, this girl’s sketchy. Here’s why:

  • She’s unhappy with her girlfriend, but not so unhappy they they don’t take vacations together.
  • She tells you she’s unhappy, but she’s not telling the girlfriend that -or they wouldn’t hang out everyday
  • She claims to have “lost all trust” in the girlfriend — but you don’t go away for the weekend with someone you don’t trust
  • Rather than get out of her relationship to pursue you, she’s spending time with you both

You use the term “first date” to describe going out with her; she’s in a relationship (I don’t know if it’s exclusive or monogamous, but I assume you can fill that in – if she is in an exclusive, monogamous relationship, she shouldn’t be going on dates with you).

If she really believes the things she’s telling you about her partner, she should break things off. It’s the ethical thing to do. If you just met and have a strong, sincere connection, she should end things and then you two can pursue a relationship.

Let me ask you, What kind of person starts a real relationship with someone while dating/living with/being committed to someone else? And is this a person you really want to give your heart to?

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So where do you go from here? That depends on what you want.

Let me ask you, What kind of person starts a real relationship with someone while dating/living with/being committed to someone else? And is this a person you really want to give your heart to?

You can continue to hang out with this girl—please don’t enable her cheating, it’s bad karma—but let go of your romantic expectations and stop hooking up if you are being physical. You have no commitment to her, so go out with other women.

You can tell her you’d love to get to know her romantically *when she’s ended things with the girlfriend* (my question here is trust; how do you know she’s actually broken it off?). If she breaks up, grows up, and shows us ready to invest in a relationship with you and you alone … or a poly throuple if that’s what you’re into … give it a try.

Or you can enjoy what you shared, cut the cord, and looking for someone who’s emotionally and physically available to you.Here are some tips (and more tips) for how to do that.

Whatever you decide to do, you’re worth more than this woman’s scattered flirting and empty promises. If she is sincere and she wants to be with you, she needs to end things with her girlfriend. Don’t settle.

Do you have a question for Lindsey? Email the editor at memoree@afterellen.com with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line, and your question will be answered in a future article!

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