Lesbianing with AE! This week: A Sexual Dry Spell and a Gossiping Ex

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Today on Lesbianing with AE! writer Lindsey Danis helps you rise above a gossipy ex and rekindle long-term romance.

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I’m pissed and I need advice before I do something I’ll regret. My ex is spreading lies about me because she’s mad we broke up. She claimed I cheated on her (not true) and I hit her in a fight (also not true). A close friend of mine told me. She said she overheard my ex telling some women at a party. I wasn’t at the party, so I can’t verify that this happened, but I have no reason to think my friend would make this stuff up. Do I confront the ex? Things didn’t end badly, and it’s a small community so my plan was to be nice when I ran into her, but I’m not the type who can be friends with my exes and I told her that when we ended it. Do I ignore her dyke drama and be the bigger person? Should I have the friend who overheard it confront her? Help. 

-Over Dyke Drama

Hi ODD,

I’m sorry for all the drama!

As you chose to believe your friend (what’s in it for her if she lies, after all?) I’ll do the same. So, why is your ex lying about you to your mutual friends? A few possibilities:

  • She’s trying to hurt you because she’s pissed about the way things ended
  • She’s trying to get your attention — even negative attention will do!
  • She mentally unstable
  • She’s trying to make herself feel better or get sympathy points from mutual friends
  • She wants to control the story — and maybe even your friends by winning their sympathies with her lies

These are just a few possibilities, and you’ll never really know why your ex is doing this unless you talk to her directly. Right now you don’t really have “proof” to go confront your ex, you only have the information your friend observed.

Your friend may only have part of the story. Maybe your friend heard “my ex punched me in the face once” and assumed your ex was talking about you, her most recent ex-girlfriend, when your ex was really talking about a different ex-girlfriend, say, someone from college. Ads long as you weren’t her first and only girlfriend, there’s a possibility your friend is well-intentioned, but got the story wrong.

Don’t feed the gossip machine, especially if you’re worried you’ll have regrets.

Trust that the friends who know you will know how out of character this is and see through the ex’s lies (if in fact they are about you at all). Stay calm. If someone comes up to you and tells you they overheard some crazy story, nod and shrug. Maybe say, “Yeah…. she really isn’t handling the breakup well. Oh well, what can you do? I’m honestly glad it ended” and then change the subject. Convey that you’re aware of the issue, distance yourself from the behavior, and show that the gossip isn’t bothering you AND IT ISN’T TRUE.

Don’t feed the gossip machine, especially if you’re worried you’ll have regrets. Trust that the friends who know you will know how out of character this is and see through the ex’s lies (if in fact they are about you at all). Stay calm. If someone comes up to you and tells you they overheard some crazy story, nod and shrug.

Friends will start observing the two of you out socially — you calm and collected, your ex always starting in on another story where she’s the victim and you’re the bad guy — and draw the right conclusions. If you start getting worked up every time a new story appears or calling everyone to set the record straight, it’ll only stress you out. Focus instead on finding your next girlfriend and being glad you ended things with this one!

If you’re still connected online, block your ex to avoid the drama. If you know she’s going to a meeting or event, skip it until things settle down. Avoiding the dyke drama really is that simple. Put yourself above the fray, tune out the craziness, and get to know the joy of discovering who your true friends really are.

Now, if you end up at a lesbian event and your ex is there, all you need to do is smile, say hi, and don’t get dragged into the drama. Walk out of the room, grab a trusted friend and and chat with them in a different corner, or leave the event and take a walk around the block if she gets to you. If you directly overhear your ex say something untrue, set the record straight with a basic “Wow, Jenny, I remember that fight really differently” or “Hey, there are two sides to every story.” As tempting as it may be to tell everyone Jenny is a crazy nutbag liar, it’ll reflect poorly on you.

Overreacting will fan the flames of drama, which is exactly what your ex wants. Smile, breathe, and do your best not to take it personally. This really isn’t about you.

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