Lesbianing with AE! This Week: How to Find Your Dating Mojo Again and Have Sex at Her Parent’s House

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Today on Lesbianing with AE! writer Lindsey Danis helps you have better sex at her parent’s house and find your dating mojo again when all your friends have settled down but you’re still single.

Getty Images

Getty Images

 

I feel like I have really bad luck with women. I haven’t dated anyone seriously for five years. I’m fit, work out a lot, my friends say I’m funny, I have a good job, I’m an extrovert — and I want to find a nice woman I can see myself with.

I’m drawn to girly girls, you know, the kind of woman who likes to look nice on dates, wears makeup, maybe hangs out in jeans or yoga pants but is feminine and cares about her appearance. Most of my last girlfriends have been girly girls, I’ve gone out with a few androgynous girls but they don’t really turn my crank like the femmes do. Meanwhile, the type of women who hit on me tend to be more butch or androgynous, not the kind of person that I am interested in at all. I feel like I could go out with these women if I just wanted casual sex, but that’s not what I’m into at this stage of life.

I meet some femmes online, or at my local gay bar, but it never seems to go anywhere. I might flirt in the club with a woman, only to have her wind up telling me she is in a relationship. Or we’ll go out on a date and she’ll tell me that she would rather be friends. Or I’ll be online sending tons of messages, and get few replies. I feel like I rarely get a first chance, then when I do get a first chance I never make it to a second chance. Since my friends have gotten married and started settling down, I feel like I am being left behind.

I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. My friends tell me I’m a great catch, and they are sure the right woman is out there somewhere. Are they just being nice? Am I doing something wrong? The more time I spend looking for love and winding up empty handed, the more pathetic and lonely I feel.

– Left Behind

Hi LB,

I’m sorry you feel like you can’t find anyone. You say you had no problem finding lesbian dates in the past, so I have to wonder what’s changed for you. Have your preferences changed, or your appearance? Were you living in a different city?

Were the girls you dated in the past fundamentally different from the women you’re interested in now?  Was casual sex fine back then? Are you really looking for the same thing now as you were back then, cause it’s a lot easier to find a hot chick for something fun than The One For The Rest of Your Life (if that’s even what you’re looking for, and if there even is a One)? Did you look past all kinds of red flags back then, cause you were just having fun?

When I was single and lonely, I was either hung up on an ex (so giving zero attention to any women who showed interest in me), way too picky in my lesbian dating preferences (for serious, I had a favorite height), or in a bad location. San Francisco was super butch / femme (or genderqueer/ femme), so I had zero luck getting attention from the masculine or androgynous girls I wanted to date, since I wasn’t feminine. Once I moved back to the East Coast, my dating life improved dramatically because that butch /femme framework wasn’t operating on the same level.

I knew why I wasn’t getting dates that went anywhere, in other words. Until you know why (and I’m guessing you have some ideas, deep down inside), you can’t change things for yourself.

To find your answers, ask yourself how you might be getting in your own way. Are you ruling out too many potential ladies in your quest to find the right level of “girly girl”? Does your ideal girl have to be fit, tall, financially stable, a dog lover, age 25-30, etc? The more specific you are in your preferences, the more difficult it becomes to find someone who fits.

You say your friends have married and settled down. As they move on to the next phase of their lives, it’s natural that you’d feel lonely. Are you projecting this loneliness when you try chatting up women at clubs or bars? Are you seeming too desperate or clingy, too eager to define the relationship after a first date? Are you showing these women a different side of yourself than you’re showing your friends, who see you at your most comfortable and confident?

Are you projecting this loneliness when you try chatting up women at clubs or bars? Are you seeming too desperate or clingy, too eager to define the relationship after a first date? Are you showing these women a different side of yourself than you’re showing your friends, who see you at your most comfortable and confident?

I encourage you to think about these things yourself (go on a long walk, head to your favorite cafe, get some quiet and really think about it). Ask a trusted friend. Be brave, and be open. Tell her you know she thinks you’re an amazing catch, but you need a single lesbian to think so, and you are tired of searching. Then listen to what she has to say and be willing to change.

I’m a big believer in paying attention to the signs the universe is sending you and changing your approach, rather than doing the same thing that isn’t working and expecting, this time, it’ll work out. It sounds like you have some loyal, supportive friends, so lean on them while you work through this. It may feel scary to change, but you know how awful it feels to be where you are, and change is the only way you’ll get a different result.

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