Lesbianing with AE! This week: Mixed signals in Sex and Relationships

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Today on Lesbianing with AE! writer Lindsey Danis helps you decider mixed signals from your best friend, your lover, and basically every other lesbian in your life.

 

Photo: Getty Images

Photo: Getty Images

 

A while ago my girlfriend mentioned that she wanted to try strap-on sex, so we went out and bought a dildo and harness. We’re in a long distance relationship, and so we don’t get to have sex unless we’re visiting – but we do a lot of flirting, sexting and so on. My girlfriend has sent sexts of her wearing the harness and dildo and we’ve talked about using it a few times during our phone and text chats. The most recent time we talked about it on the phone, I started masturbating while she was fantasizing about how hard she would fuck me – I came, it was really hot, and it’s ignited a fire in me to actually use this toy rather than keep talking about it.

Yet when we are actually in the same place and we could make it happen, she either doesn’t want to use it or she doesn’t have it. Literally, she claims she “forgot to pack it” the last time she came to see me, even though I reminded her to take it, and when I’ve gone to see her, she claimed she was only in the mood to do oral one time and another time said she wanted us to touch one another at the same time. I did manage to get her into the dildo and harness once when she was drunk, but we didn’t actually have sex (long story). What is going on? I feel like whenever I bring it up face to face, she is full of excuses but whenever I bring it up over the phone she is super excited about it – or she even brings it up! Does she want me to fuck her with the strap-on? Does she want it to just be a fantasy (and if so I’m bummed out because she got me super excited about trying something new)? Or what else is going on?

-Confused

Hey Confused,

I have no idea what’s going through your girlfriend’s mind because I’m not your girlfriend. You’ve noticed a pattern – she claims to want something when you two are separate that she demonstrates NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER in when you two are together. Except that one time. When she was (reading between the lines) so wasted that you two couldn’t get it on.

Maybe she is really interested in trying this out – but as the receptive partner and not the dildo-wearer, as you suggested. Or maybe she is really interested in strapping it on when she’s fantasizing or masturbating, but the idea of actually putting it on and using it when you two are together fills her with… I dunno.. terror? Dread? Confusion?

Right now your girlfriend is telling you two stories, and both of them are a little bit true. There’s obviously something about this that your girlfriend, likes because she keeps bringing it up and explore it with you via phone/text/sext. But rather than straight-up tell you what’s going through her mind, she’s leaving a little gluten-free cookie trail for you to tease out what she wants and give it to her rather than ask for it, and you’re kinda done with that.

Since she’s more sexually adventurous via phone than in person, ask her what’s going on over the phone rather than in person. Be non-confrontational but clear (since you guys have a lot of miscommunications going on atm). If you haven’t told her how hot and bothered this is making you, be clear that all this fantasizing has you REALLY EXCITED about using your shiny new toy and you want to know how you can get there…. in real life, not just fantasies.

Talking about sex can be really difficult for some women, and your girl might be tempted to give you the answer she thinks you want to hear rather than the truth. So leave her space to think about what’s going on for her and open up.  A sex toy can be a fun addition to your current sex life, but it doesn’t have to replace the things she likes or feels comfortable with. You can still do all that stuff and use the dildo. It doesn’t hurt to tell her that if she expresses reservations.

Talking about sex can be really difficult for some women, and your girl might be tempted to give you the answer she thinks you want to hear rather than the truth. So leave her space to think about what’s going on for her and open up.  A sex toy can be a fun addition to your current sex life, but it doesn’t have to replace the things she likes or feels comfortable with.

Photo: Getty Images

Photo: Getty Images

 

Encourage her to explore the new toy with you – maybe you can just use it without the harness as a step one, or model the harness without a dildo. Go halfway there together. Then have the kind of sex you normally have. See how it felt for both of you, keep talking, and keep exploring.

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