Lesbianing with AE! This week: Age gaps in lesbian relationships and pleasing an exhibitionist

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Today on Lesbianing with AE! writer Lindsey Danis tells you what to do when your girlfriend lied about her age (and you found out) and how to have sex in public without getting caught.

I just found out my girlfriend has been lying about her age for the last seven months. The backstory is, we met through a meetup that a friend of hers runs and we really hit it off. I just moved to the area after grad school (I’m 25) and assumed that she and I were about the same age, because we liked a lot of the same things and a lot of her other friends are close to my age/just finishing up grad school/etc. However I found out at a friend’s birthday party that my girlfriend is about to turn 40… She doesn’t know that I know yet, and I suspect she does not want me to know since she looked kind of freaked out when it came up (looking around for me, shushing the person who brought up her age). I’ve started second guessing if we should be together, in part because she is so much older than me but more to the point because she lied by omission. But my best friend is telling me that I’m overreacting. It’s not like she’s asked me to get married or move in or anything. We’re just having fun. So what do you think, should I pretend I don’t know? Should I tell her I know and see what she says? Or should I break up with her thinking that if she lied about this, she has probably lied about other stuff too?

– Young & Resentful

Photo: Getty Images

Photo: Getty Images

Hey Y&R,

So there’s 15 years between you and your girlfriend. That’s not necessarily a big deal, unless it’s a big deal to either of you. It’s obviously not a big deal to your partner…. but she didn’t give you a chance to make an informed decision about what type of age gap you were comfortable with because she wasn’t honest with you. And that’s the real problem here, and what you focus on more than a specific number.

She didn’t give you a chance to make an informed decision about what type of age gap you were comfortable with because she wasn’t honest with you. And that’s the real problem here, and what you focus on more than a specific number.

Your friend is partially right. It doesn’t sound like you two are super serious after seven months. So if you are having fun with your girlfriend and the relationship is otherwise a good one, there’s no reason to break up with her just because she lied.

BUT… one big lie like this opens the door: If she has lied about this, what else might she be lying about? It’s not a huge leap to start wondering if that awful ex she keeps mentioning is an ex wife, for example. You can’t trust her, because she hasn’t acted trustworthy. Also, you’re at totally different stages in life. You might want to date around and have fun, while she might be ready to buy a house. Maybe not. Maybe she lied about her age cause she’s immature, young at heart, or doesn’t want a serious monogamous relationship like her same-age peers.

Now that you know you’re in a relationship with a 15-year age gap, you get to decide whether you want to remain in the relationship or look for a woman who is closer to your age, and also not going to deceive her way into your pants.

You can end this relationship right now based on what you know if you want to. You don’t need an excuse or anyone else’s permission. You might not have signed up for the relationship if you’d known the truth about your girlfriend, and now that you found it out, you are free to go. You can either end it with the old white lie about it not being her, but I’d encourage you to save the next young let and tell her the truth – you found out she lied to you about her age, and it was a deal breaker.

Let’s say you’re open to the idea of dating someone 15 years older than you. You still need to clear the air, because the bigger problem is not that she’s older than you, but that she wasn’t straight with you and you’ll always be wondering what other skeletons are in the closet. The best case scenario would be that it was a lie of omission: The two of you hit it off and somehow her age never came up. Maybe she’s been trying to figure out a good way to tell you the truth. The worst case scenario would be that she willfully kept her age from you — maybe by telling her same-age friends not to tell you how old she was, maybe by fudging dates when you asked her about things like college, jobs, I dunno, any basic fact about adulthood/her twenties/whatever she led you to assume was true and totally wasn’t.

You have the upper hand. You get to decide what you want to do, based on how she reacts. And no matter what you decide, you’re right.

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