Lesbianing with AE! This week: Recovering from a sexting incident and shopping for strap-ons

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Today on Lesbianing with AE! writer Lindsey Danis answers reader questions about shopping for sex toys & what to do after drunk sexting your ex girlfriend.

Crap! I’m mortified. I got really trashed at my friend’s bachelorette party over the weekend and I ended up sexting my ex. It wasn’t something I meant to do at all, and I don’t want to get back together with her. She texted me back with a slew of emoji that basically says, “that was random, you look cute … wink.” What should I do now? She’ll be at my friend’s wedding next month and I don’t want things to be awkward at the wedding. I wasn’t going to bring a date to the wedding (I’m seeing someone but it’s still new and we aren’t exclusive), but should I reconsider?

-Drunk & Desperate

photo: getty images

photo: getty images

Dear D&D, I’m sorry for your predicament.

To answer your second question first, don’t invite your new girl to the wedding to act as a shield against the ex. You got yourself into this mess, and you are going to get yourself out of it.

And don’t fess up to your new girl about your sexting predicament. You two aren’t exclusive yet, so it’s not like you cheated on her and need to come clean. You realized once the booze wore off that you didn’t mean to sext the ex. We all do things we don’t mean to do sometimes.

As long as this isn’t a pattern of you doing things when you are drunk that horrify you when you sober up, you’re fine. Live and learn, as they say!

But if this is not the first time you’ve done something like this, you might wanna breakup with booze for a bit.

Now, to address the sexting your ex part of the question…

You didn’t mean to do it, and I’ll take your word on that. Maybe it was the alcohol talking, maybe you pressed the wrong button, maybe your subconscious brain was acting out. It doesn’t really matter why you did it, because you’re not getting back together (and if your brain is screaming out as you read this, then maybe you do actually want to get back with her and that’s a whole different lesbian dating advice question).

“Maybe it was the alcohol talking, maybe you pressed the wrong button, maybe your subconscious brain was acting out. It doesn’t really matter why you did it, because you’re not getting back together.”

Send your ex a text message – there’s no need to do this in person, imo – that owns the fact that you made a mistake. You can even use a version of what you said here: “Hey! So sorry about that pic! It was totally unintentional. Had too much to drink at Amy’s bachelorette party. Won’t happen again. ::wink::”

Then leave the ball in her court. Hopefully she’ll be understanding (her reaction was probably a surprised “what the eff???”) or not reply (which you can read all sorts of emotions into, but try not to, D & D).

If you would rather meet your ex girlfriend in person to discuss this, keep it to a short coffee break meeting. Definitely do not meet for cocktails (that’s what got you into this mess) or at someone’s house, especially if there’s any part of you that’s wondering what it would be like to hook up.

Since you and your ex have friends in common, it’s in your mutual interests to remain amicable. This means 1) you apologize for your drunk behavior, avoid repeat incidents, and act like an adult and 2) she accepts your apology, doesn’t punish you for what (I assume) was an honest mistake, and acts like an adult.

The sooner you address this, the better. If your ex is still pining for you, your accidental sext could have gotten her hopes up. It’s better to nip them in the bud now than let her build up some reconciliation fantasy that’s never going to happen.

If the convo doesn’t go well, get a trusted friend to run interference at the wedding (tip: you may need to bribe her with a hot incentive, because her fun night will now spent babysitting your ass). She can stick by your side during cocktail hour, snatch the seat in between you two, or pull you away from your ex on the dance floor. Your friend who is getting married does not deserve to have wedding day drama because of something you did (trust me, there will be plenty of drama that happens anyway)!

photo: getty images

photo: getty images

Can you give me some tips for buying a strap-on? When I used them in the past, it was with women who already had their own. Shopping online everything kind of looks the same.

-Confused

Hey Confused,

Is there a women-owned sex shop near you (like even remotely, weekend-day-trip driving distance near you)? If so, head there and let the expert store clerks walk you through your strap-on buying experience. They are trained in talking openly about sex, finding out what you need even if you’re totally embarrassed to admit it, and showing you in a judgment-free manner the different options they have. They’ll get you up to speed on the ins and outs of things you never even knew to consider, and give you helpful tips for learning to use your strap-on. Plus, when you can see and feel the material, you’ll understand why one harness costs twice as much as another harness.

Before you go, check these sex shop etiquette tips to not be a jerk to your local sex shop clerk.

If your only local options are skeezy porn stores, then shop online from a woman-owned sex toy shop. The quality of the toys at these places is overall higher, you won’t have to worry about chemicals in your sex toys, and you may be able to call, chat, or email customer service with any questions.

photo: Lou Jones/Getty Images

photo: Lou Jones/Getty Images

Now for choosing the right strap-on for you, some buying tips…

Leather looks hot, but it requires care when cleaning and it could make your vegan girlfriend cry.

A fabric harness might not look as badass as leather, but there’s something to be said for machine washable and for soap-off-and-rinse (which you can do with vinyl).

Comfort (yours) should be key to the buying experience. If the harness chafes or irritates you, you won’t want to wear it. While you won’t be trying the harness on in the store, you should be able to touch it. Feel the stitches, straps, buckles, etc. looking for rough edges that would irritate your skin.

Most harnesses adjust with straps (easy to do in the moment, but less secure) or buckles (a little more labor-intensive but secure once adjusted). Some (like Rodeoh) are sized to fit. Again, a shop clerk can explain different materials, sizes, and configurations so you feel good with your purchase.

If you want a flexible option, look for harnesses that come with changeable rings so you can swap out a different dildo.

And speaking of dildos… silicone is a general favorite and size does matter (like Goldilocks, you want it to be not too big, not too small, but just right).

Silicone is non-porous and hypoallergenic, and you can boil it or put it in the dishwasher for cleaning.

Softskin/cyberskin feels super realistic if that’s your thing, but it requires a condom since it’s porous and a cornstarch dusting to avoid getting sticky. So it might not be the best first-time pick.

Glass is pretty, but not super compatible with harnesses!

Here a more comprehensive dildo buying guide from Good Vibrations, hope it helps!

Have fun!

Lindsey is a freelance writer working on a novel about bisexual teens battling gentrification and homophobia. Find her work at Matador Network, Cognoscenti, and lindseydanis.com.

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