Lesbianing with AE! This week: Interrupting cats and giving online dating another chance

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 Today on Lesbianing with AE! writer Lindsey Danis answers reader questions about online dating after a long break, and dealing with interrupted sex by uninvited (but cute) intruders.

 

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I got really frustrated with online dating so I took a break from it a couple years ago. I’m having trouble meeting women and I decided I want to get back into online dating for my New Year’s Resolution. What should I do to make the experience work better for me this time around? – Reluctant But Resolved

RBR,

Good for you for knowing when to take a break, and for being willing to give online dating another try.

Diving back into online dating is the perfect time to re-think the way you present yourself online and make changes that will help you avoid the things that frustrated you last time and have an all-around more positive experience.

You’ll have much better luck making online dating work for you this time around if you go into it with a positive attitude and clear goals. When you’re not sure what or who you’re looking for (or you say yes to any girl who shows interest just to have a date), you’re much more likely to have a meh time.

Read over your old profile to start. Is it still true to you? Remove any hobbies, interests or activities that aren’t really reflective of who you are now. Update your pics to reflect what you look like and how you dress. I always love throwing in pictures of me doing things I like to do, so it gives the other woman an icebreaker (why yes I do love traveling the world and hiking mountains on weekends, wanna join me?).

Once you’ve made tweaks, review your profile and think about how what you’re saying will be read by other women. Are you unintentionally making it harder for yourself to meet women?

I once had a friend who said on her dating profile that she never went out Friday night because she was exhausted from work. While that’s totally fine to tell a friend, it sorta sends the message to a date that you’re unavailable Fridays, probably have no work-life balance, and are more interested in binge-watching Netflix than meeting her for a Friday dinner date. Is that REALLY the message you want to be sending?

Usually, it’s a case of toning down what you mean so it makes you come off like that better and smarter version of yourself your friends know you are (speaking of friends, get a close friend to look over your profile and help you sell yourself).

So instead of saying you “never go out Fridays,” you can try for something like, “I love how self-care Fridays set me up to enjoy the weekend. You can usually find me having a chill dinner with a close friend or hitting the yoga mat.” Now you sound insightful, balanced, and like a woman who knows what she needs, which is all kinds of sexy.

Take the same approach with what you’re looking for in a woman, or what you bring to the table. Don’t lie (this just sets up an expectation that you simply can’t meet and starts you off on the wrong foot), but don’t leave it all out there either in the way you’d confess it to your best friend. You don’t want to scare people away before they have a chance to get to know you. You have every right to use a little word juju to make yourself sound totally awesome and build intrigue (kind of like a job application).

Once your profile and pics are updated, think about how you can refresh your expectations for meeting women and what you want to avoid. You know what frustrated you about your last attempt at dating online, so don’t do that thing. Obviously this sounds simple, but how many times have you found yourself falling for the same types of girls who you know are not gonna work out for you? If you are aware of patterns in your dating choices that don’t make you happy, YOU HAVE THE POWER to make different choices.

Dating is ultimately a lot of hard work and a lot of non-starters, for most of us. If you have the expectation of being in a LTR and that’s all you want out of dating, you’ll get so discouraged after every woman who’s not quite right for you that you’ll wind up quitting again.

Dating is supposed to be fun, so find ways to make it fun for yourself. Always wanted to try stand-up paddleboarding? Look for a woman who’s into that (and who you think is interesting, hot, ideally both) and ask her to take you out. Even if you don’t click you’ll try something new.

 

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My new girlfriend has two cats, which I’m fine with. But how the hell do I keep them off the bed while we’re having sex? She doesn’t want to lock them out of her room because her roommates complain. – Not That Into Pussy

Hey NTIP,

Chances are, this has never happened before and your girlfriend is mortified. For all you know, she’s googling like made right now to figure out what she can do so this never happens again. Let’s hope so!

But… you should definitely come up with a plan to deal with this next time you see her in case she didn’t notice/didn’t think it’s a problem/gives the cats free reign over the bed no matter who is in it.

It’s understandable that you don’t want to be too pushy since you’re a new couple. Yet if you don’t let her know how this is a total turn-off for you, it’s going to continue to be a problem so you might as well come up with some creative solutions!

First, open up with your new lady about how it made you feel. You can do this in person or on the phone… as long as don’t bring the issue up while you’re getting it on.

Just be direct, use your words, and stress that you want to work on the problem together. Try, “Remember last weekend when you were going down on me? I got really distracted when your cats jumped on the bed. I know you said you can’t shut them out of the room, but can we talk about some ways to keep that from happening again? I would really appreciate it.”

Simple, direct, and should work.

Also? Your discussion doesn’t have to be SUPER SERIOUS. Humor can lighten the mood and help you broach the topic in a way that keeps you both feeling comfortable. Some cats jumped on her bed at an inopportune moment and it freaked you out (Spoiler alert: Worse things will happen in your relationship). Leave space to laugh about what happened, and allow the creative problem solving experience to bring you closer together.

If your new girl is reluctant or resistant to hear what you’re saying, or shuts down in the convo, it could be a red flag. She should want you to be comfortable and happy, and cats interrupting your hookup do not lead to comfortable or happy. If she doesn’t want to hear what you’re saying and try to make thing better, then you need to ask yourself (and her!) what’s really going on here and if it’s something you want to stick around for.

If this has come up in the past, your new girlfriend probably has some tried-and-true solutions to get the kitties out of your lesbian sex life! If she’s stumped, here some things to suggest: Catnip, putting the kitties in a cat carrier, using a cat deterrent spay on the sheets, and of course not using the bed for sexytimes (try the shower!).

Lindsey is a writer in the Hudson Valley. She juggles freelancing with working on novels about queers in the restaurant industry and bisexual activist teens. When she’s not writing (which is most of the time) she’s probably cooking, traveling, or exploring the many, many cute towns, craft breweries, and hiking trails that keep the Hudson Valley rad. Keep up with her at @wordhack or lindseydanis.com.

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