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How to Gain Confidence and Score More Dates as a Gay Woman

Gay Women Don’t have a ton fo role models in our lives, so how do we learn to gain confidence when it comes to asking out the girl or flirting? Here’s how.

“I’m terrible at both flirting and reading the signs when someone might be flirting with me.” “I just can’t talk to women.” “How do you talk to women?” “I just have no confidence talking to women. I hate it. And now I like this girl who barely knows I exist. Sigh. What do I do?” “I always have this fear that I’m gonna come across as boring.” “I got chatted up on Friday, and I literally ran away. Same lack of confidence, never know what to say or do or act or think or anything.” “It’s hard to tell if a woman is just being friendly or is into me.”

Have you ever said something similar to the above statements? Odds are you have. As gay women, we don’t have a ton of role models or even concrete, practical advice aimed at teaching us important social skills, such as: how to make small talk, how to flirt, how to tell if someone is flirting back, how to handle rejection, how to message someone online, how to not come off as boring or aggressive, and even how to develop the confidence and self-esteem to believe you’re someone WORTH talking to in the first place.

We often struggle with confidence and self-worth more than others because we face so many stigmas in our lives-lesbophobia, biphobia, prejudice, discrimination, unapproving family members, being closeted, religious persecution, fear of not belonging, fear of “not being gay enough,” and so on.

On top of all that, women are socialized to be pursued, not to pursue other people, which means the ways we show sexual interest can be a lot more subtle and passive, which can lead to confusion, mixed signals, and our messages not being received the way we want them to.

Not to mention that, as women, we have all received unwanted attention from men (sometimes every single day!), which makes us hyper-aware of not wanting to be “that guy” with women we’re interested in.

Then there’s the obstacle of not being able to tell if a woman is straight or gay just by looking at her, so we have this doubt in our minds already, which inhibits us from even trying to talk to her, because what’s the point?

PHEW. No wonder we struggle with approaching, talking to, and dating people.

How to Be Your Best, Most Awesome Gay Self, Score More Dates, and Impress Your Friends This first step is crucial, necessary to succeed in all areas of life, and often overlooked or dismissed outright.

I’m talking about confidence.

You need to believe in yourself in order to accomplish ANYTHING, whether it’s asking for a raise, asking your partner to help with the dishes, nailing a job interview, doing something you’ve never done before, starting a fundraiser, making a new friend, learning to skydive, asking that hot girl if she wants to split a malted milkshake with you, having earth-shattering orgasms, or even building up the courage to end a relationship.

It all requires confidence. And yet we tend to neglect this basic tenet of ourselves on a day-to-day level.

Without a solid belief in ourselves, it’s easy to get stuck in a loop of self-doubt and negativity, which not only leads to things like anxiety, depression, and substance abuse, but can also affect our professional lives and relationships.

All that said, we’re not doomed! Far from it. Confidence is not something that we’re born with. In fact, research shows that being shy and cautious is totally natural in humans, which makes sense from a survival standpoint. Imagine if we brazenly jumped off every cliff we came to or took candy from strangers in windowless vans late at night. We would not have lasted nearly as long as a species.

Taking risks and building confidence are things we learn. Skills, just like riding a bike or riding someone’s face. But confidence is often an elusive beast. How can we shore it up when we need it most? How can we quickly bring our best selves to light and our self-worth up to speed during trying times? I’ve been researching this for years, and the following are the best and most efficient ways I’ve found to help us feel great about ourselves.

Caveat: Don’t try all of these at once. Pick one or two things and see how they play out in your life. Nothing is a hard-and-fast rule, and everyone will respond a little differently. Think of it as a choose your own adventure and have fun with it.

Away we go!

Try these tips to give yourself an immediate confidence boost: I See You

It seems so simple and yet many of us forget about eye contact, aka the most basic human form of connection. We shouldn’t. Studies show that people who maintain eye contact are perceived as having higher self-esteem, as well as more reliable, warm, sociable, honest, and attractive! And that’s just from looking someone in the eye. Studies have also shown the impact good eye contact has on those we are speaking to, meaning it enhances intimacy, influence, and connection-all traits we want to inspire in those we talk to, whether we’re asking them out or not.

Action plan: This week, make a concerted effort to look everyone you have a conversation with in the eye. Even when you are speaking, which is when we tend to look away. If you forget, that’s okay. If you feel uncomfortable, that’s okay, too. That means it’s working. Maintain eye contact with people you pass on the street as well, until they look away. If someone looks angry or is wondering why you’re staring at them, simply smile like you know them, but you’re not sure from where. Most people won’t return your gaze, however. That’s how adept we are at ignoring each other. Yay, humans! You’re a Wonder, Woman Made popular by Amy Cuddy‘s riveting TED talk, a power pose is a two-minute stance that boosts your testosterone (which helps usher in confidence) and lowers your cortisol (the stress hormone). One power pose, the Wonder Woman, entails taking a wide stance, with your hands on your hips, and your back and chest straight and powerful. Head up, chin up.

Another is the “I just won a race” pose, where your hands are over your head in fists of glory, and your head is up toward the sky. This is harder to hold for two whole minutes, but I find it more effective than Wonder Woman, for whatever reason. It’s more glorious, perhaps.

Action plan: Strike a power pose before you have to do something nerve-wracking for an extra dose of “boost juice,” as nobody calls it-a tough conversation? Asking your boss for more vacation time? Presentation? First date? Even if you don’t feel transformed into a superhero, you’ll still be slightly calmer, and perceived by others as having more bravado.

  Stand Up, er, Straight If you can’t power pose for some reason, at the very least, you should stand up or sit up straight. Our tendency is to slouch or hunch over, looking down at our phones, which makes us not only look defeated but feel defeated as well. Improving our posture, even just for a few minutes, boosts our confidence and our moods.

Action plan: What does good posture look like? It’s pretty simple: Open your chest, keep your shoulders back, and keep your head and gaze at eye level or slightly above. This expansion might feel slightly awkward at first because we’re so used to folding in on ourselves, but if you keep at it, you’ll see the rewards. Research shows that recovering alcoholics were less likely to relapse if they had an expansive versus a slouched posture. It also helps us take initiative and even increases our pain tolerance.

  You Look Good, Kid It’s no secret that when we look good, we FEEL good about ourselves. This doesn’t mean you have to break out the fancy Tevas anytime you leave the house, but if you’re feeling a bit lackluster, taking some extra time to be well-groomed will definitely improve your mood. It’s up to you to define what “groomed” means to you, however. Is it regular haircuts and bow ties and shiny shoes? Is it a spritz of perfume or cologne? Is it wearing a favorite shirt or good-luck charm? Whatever routines, self-care, or accouterments make you feel attractive are the ones that should come into play when you want to give yourself a confidence advantage.

Action plan: Make an effort to look good every day this week, even if you work from home and only have to impress your labradoodle. Pay extra care to your appearance and note how it affects your self-esteem. If you’re feeling uninspired, go out and buy a new clothing item or lucky charm. Bonus points if it’s weird or stands out, because that will help you attract attention (more on that at a later date). “I Love Your Taste in Nutritional Yeast” It seems counter-intuitive, but complimenting other people also makes us feel good. Who knew altruism could be so selfish? Not only will saying a nice thing to someone make you feel more confident, giving one compliment a day has also been shown to help remove mental blocks, build trust with people, and come back to us in other positive ways (what you might call karma or “good vibes” or “the cascade effect”).

Action plan: Tell five people something you like about them today. This should be in person. Some can be people you know, but at least two should be strangers. If you’re feeling ballsy (eggsy?), and they seem nice, try to maintain a short conversation with them.

  Back that Bass Up Music has tremendous effects on us. It enhances our learning abilities, makes us more motivated, and has even been shown to reduce physical pain. But it’s also true that music makes us feel powerful. No wonder we see so many athletes with headphones in before a big game or competition. Not all songs are created equal, however. Recent research suggests that listening to a song that’s bass-heavy helps us internalize feelings of empowerment, even if we don’t consciously realize that’s what’s happening.

Action plan: Go ahead, blast Beyonce‘s “Run the World (Girls)” or Queen‘s “We Will Rock You.” You’ll feel large and in charge and ready to take on the day.

Take a Small Step Out of Your Comfort Zone My ex-girlfriend was a yoga teacher, and she would always carry around a Lululemon bag that said: “Do one thing a day that scares you.” It’s easy to dismiss such platitudes, especially when they are trying to sell a pair of $110 stretchy pants, but when it comes to comfort zones and fear, we really do benefit from stepping outside them and doing what scares us. Because if we don’t expand our comfort zone, it actually shrinks, causing us to go further and further into our shells, making us fearful and, well, stuck.

Action plan: Reversing this fear isn’t rocket science. All you have to do to get unstuck is to take one tiny step at a time. Many of the above confidence boosts require you to step out of your comfort zone already, so once you try them, congrats! You’re taking that step.

 

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