The Hook Up: Am I A Homewrecker?

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Hi Anna!

Last week I slept with this woman/girl and it was a really great experience and we both enjoyed it a lot. The only big problem is she has a girlfriend. I knew this before we slept together and I felt bad about it afterward. But at the moment supreme (after a drunken evening full of dancing), I didn’t really care about that anymore. I normally am not the hookup kind of girl and it felt really nice to just let loose for once. It was so nice even that, if I’m being honest, I feel more good about it than guilty. (I know, people will judge me for this.)

We talked about it the day after and she said she doesn’t feel guilty about it at all and that she and her girlfriend have been having a lot of troubles lately. It’s also really clear that she wants to hook up again but I’m not really sure what to do now.

Selfishly I’d like to repeat that night really badly but I do feel bad for the gf. I don’t wanna demand they break up or anything cause I’m not even sure I can offer the girl I slept with a relationship or anything.

Any advice? Should I just be selfish for once and leave the responsibility on the girl’s shoulders? Or should I be the responsible and non-asshole one and blow it off?—Please Help

Dear PH,

You should always err on the side of “not being an asshole.” I think you know that. And I think you also know that, though the one who is cheating on her girlfriend ranks slightly higher on the asshole-o-meter, the “responsibility” also falls to you. Because your integrity is also at stake here. Do you want to be the kind of person who sleeps with other people’s girlfriends? Ones you don’t even want to date?

That sounds judgy, but I’m not condemning you, PH. I’ve been the “other woman” before, and I’ve also been cheated on plenty of times. I know how easy it is to throw back a few drinks and feel like my behaviors have no consequences. But, at the end of the day (or the next morning), you’re the one who has to live with your choices, and I want you to think about how those choices affect not just you, but the people around you.

I’m glad you had a night of great sex, that you were able to “let loose,” and have fun, even though you’re not a “hookup kind of girl.” But I think because of that, you’re viewing this situation through lusty lenses and blinded to the fact that you can totally have great sex guilt-free by banging someone who has zero girlfriends.

It’s possible! It’s happened once or twice at least in the history of lesbiankind.

Besides, even if you did throw caution to the wind and decide to keep banging this gal, what’s your endgame? Sneaking around can be fun for a minute—the excitement, the thrill of getting caught, the weird bits of trash in your hair from having sex in the alley outside of T’s (RIP T’s)—but that routine gets old real fast, especially when you have to lie, worry, and feel guilty about what you’re doing.

You made one admittedly asshole-ish choice in your recent past, but it doesn’t have to define you. You have the ability to make a different choice this time. Will you?

image1illlustration by Natasha Miren Terbraak

Um, I made the mistake of watching Ivanka Trump at the RNC and now I think I have a crush on her so help me god! What can I do?

Drink 10 Hail (Bloody) Marys, donate half your savings to Planned Parenthood, and watch this Kate McKinnon-getting-her-hair-pulled-by-Nina-Hartley video on repeat until the blood curse of Ivanka has been effectively purged from your system.  

Or don’t.

Lust all you want, just don’t vote for Trump because you have one thing in common—you’re both hot for his daughter. #sorry

I’ve been with my girlfriend for around a year. Everything’s kosher, and I feel pretty secure in our relationship. My problem is I can’t stop looking at pictures of her ex and comparing myself to her. I don’t even know how it started. I was clicking through my girlfriend’s old Facebook photos, then I moved onto Instagram and so on. It always starts off OK, but by the end I just feel bad about myself, like I’m not “good enough.” I’m decent looking, but I’m not “hot” the way this other girl is, and I never will be. What should I do?—Insta-Regret  

Dear IR,

If something makes you feel bad, DON’T DO IT. And while we’re at it, stop talking down to yourself, stop comparing yourself to a person you don’t even know, and definitely stop looking endlessly at her photos.

You have that power and you have that choice. Exercise it. Block this girl from your social media accounts if you have to, just do something. Every time you feel the urge to stalk this girl, I want you to instead pay yourself a compliment. That way you’re purging a bad habit while forming a good one.

Tell yourself you are good enough! That your girlfriend loves you and chose you. Tell yourself even though it’s hard and you might not believe it at first. Eventually you will. Because it’s true.

Start now.

List three things you like about yourself—do you have great skin, slender ankles, is your vegan mac ‘n’ cheese to die for? Do you make great mixtapes? Can you keep plants alive? Do you write a decent limerick? List ‘em all, and repeat ‘em to yourself whenever you feel yourself starting to go down that shame road. If you need help, ask your girlfriend for traits she loves and admires in you.

Then tell her in return. It’s a fun game, actually.

But first, go block that girl. As a wise man once said, AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.

Anna is a freelance writer in Oakland. Get overly personal emails and haiku from her at tinyletter.com/annapulley. Or Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at askthehookup@gmail.com 

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