If a well-meaning guy in your life (a friend, a co-worker, a family member) asked you what he could do to be a better ally, what advice would you give him?
Elaine Atwell: I always want to ask my male friends not to stop being an ally when they’re around their male friends. It’s one thing to nod along with me when I’m expressing my frustration with the patriarchy and another thing entirely to stand up to the boys’ club. Until it becomes unacceptable for guys to be misogynistic and homophobic when in each other’s company, we’ll still be locked out of a lot of important spaces and conversations.
Bridget McManus: Ask that they always vote for LGBT equality laws and laws that aid women’s rights.
Daniela Costa: I’d say that the little things matter and they shouldn’t stop at me. For instance, you can’t really know if someone is gay or bisexual if they haven’t disclosed that to you, so if you’re going to make small talk about relationships, ask about a “partner” or ask them if they have a “girlfriend or boyfriend” or some variation on that. Ask this with genuine warmth. Even if the person doesn’t open up to you in the moment, they know you’re at least someone safe to talk to.
Grace Chu: One word: listen.
Anna Pulley: Yes to all of this, and to accept what people tell you about their sexuality. Especially for bisexuals, don’t question or disbelieve them (even if they’re young and might change their minds/labels later). Don’t assume anything about anyone, ever.
Miranda Meyer: 1. Speak not whereof you know not, or: stay in your lane. 2. Don’t assume that relationships between wlw are analogues for your relationships with women, or those of your bros.
Chloe: Don’t tell me you’re a lesbian too or I’ll backhand you.
Lucy Hallowell: I want to second what Elaine said and add two easy things. 1) don’t assume everyone is straight. It really does make a huge difference if you ask about a boyfriend or girlfriend; and 2) don’t be weird when people answer “Yes, my wife/girlfriend/partner…” I don’t care if you have to practice your poker face in the mirror, but if we are at a party, and you make a shocked face, everyone around you will assume that is an okay response. It’s 2016, people being gay/lesbian/bisexual/queer should not be shocking. Fake it if you have to. (If you don’t know how to fake it, ask your girlfriend because I am sure she knows all about faking it. Heyo!) Oh! And don’t assume everyone has a mom and a dad. If you make my kids feel weird or bad for having two moms, I will rip your head off.
Ali Davis: I have so many straight dude friends who would absolutely call themselves LGBT allies and yet have not bothered to learn that there is a difference between lesbians and bisexuals. It’s a pretty key difference, and it should be easy to remember.
(Part of that problem is cultural-I once had a straight dude who I had been fairly close friends with for a couple of years call me on the phone GOBSMACKED because he had been listening to a news story on NPR, and he needed to confirm with me this stunning new piece of information he had learned: That “lesbian” and “bisexual” are not interchangeable words.)
If you’re an ally, you need to understand that it’s a big deal. Perpetuating the idea that lesbians will sleep with men if only they’re charming enough also perpetuates the idea that lesbians will sleep with men if only they’re forceful enough. And assuming that bisexuals don’t exist or that “bisexual” just means “slut” is damaging in its own way.
And if we’ve known each other for years and you refer to my sexual orientation, and you pick the wrong one, it’s like realizing you don’t know my last name after all this time. That has happened with well-intentioned straight male friends so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve politely corrected guy friends before and had them say “same thing” or even just keep doing it. Being an ally is more than just not passing the most evil laws you can think of.
And I second the “Hey, that’s not cool” principle. It makes a real long-term difference if you’re willing to be brave enough to shut down homophobic or misogynist conversations, especially when you’re in a group of dudes.
I also really appreciate it when guys think about what makes women, in general, feel unsafe and adjust for that. If I’m walking home at night and you bother to keep a non-threatening distance away instead of keeping a close pace behind my left ear where I can’t see you, you get points in Ladyheaven.
You can’t get into Ladyheaven, but you get points there.
Kim Hoffman: This huddle catches me at a strange time-I’m pretty turned off by “well-meaning” men in my life who claim their support as allies and have proven otherwise. Those same men typically refer to other women as “bitches,” or assume they’ve joined the lesbian club by association and can call anyone a “dyke.” Just last night, after hearing a guy friend continuously inject rape jokes into casual conversation, I finally shut it down by asking him to be more mindful of how he’s contributing to rape culture with his comments. He laughed.
Side note: I spent hours on Twitter the other night looking at how many men make a point to suggest that rape culture isn’t real while simultaneously threatening to rape. A guy friend once claimed he understood what it’s like for strangers to assume things about him based on his appearance and it went on and on. He hadn’t begun the conversation-it was my girlfriend and me discussing the approach of men who think they can enter our spaces in an assuming, abrupt, unwelcome way, only made worse by what occurs when males feel rejected and fragile (ugh ugh ugh.) When it was shut down, it became a BFD (a big fucking deal.) You could tell he was pissed because he was so sure he related, and wanted to shift into a story about his own struggles.
So, this one’s important-stop bringing your narrative into our stories; it ain’t the same. My girlfriend and I are treated differently in the same setting by the same man time and time again-I get the unwanted bedroom eyes, and she gets the cold shoulder. What, because I look girlier than she does? Now, if my guy friends approached me one on one with a willingness to sit down and listen, I’d be pretty impressed because I haven’t been approached with such maturity and openness yet. Always know that no matter what you do to be a greater ally, you’ll never know or feel our experiences, ever.
Chelsea Steiner: Stop talking and just listen to us.
What advice would you offer a well-meaning male ally?
Valerie Anne: Watch your language and your tone. If you meet a girl, and she says, “I’m a lesbian” your response should never be a sleazy, “Niiiice,” or a dismissive, “That’s okay.” Our sexuality is not for your entertainment, nor is it a challenge for you to overcome. Never say “That’s gay” when you mean “That’s stupid.” If you say “That’s gay” I expect to see you pointing to a rainbow colored unicorn on a date with a unicorn of the same sex. Don’t call someone a “dyke” because she-actually, never. Just don’t do it. Don’t assume anything about anyone’s sexuality. And to Elaine’s point, don’t let your friends do any of this either.
I dunno, I guess it boils down to, “Don’t be a heteronormative, sexist asshole.”
Erin Faith Wilson: Please stop telling me I am too pretty to be gay. This is not a compliment.
Emily McGaughy: 1) While you hold a lot of power, it’s not something you necessarily earned. Never forget that. 2) Learn about mansplaining and whitesplaining (if applicable); avoid engaging in it at all costs. 3) When in the company of people beneath you on the privilege totem pole, talk less, listen more. Don’t ever tell us how we should feel. 4) When in the company of people equal to you on the privilege totem pole, respectfully, humbly, and intelligently stand up for the rest of us when necessary. 5) VOTE RESPONSIBLY.
Ali Davis: I have so many straight dude friends who would absolutely call themselves LGBT allies and yet have not bothered to learn that there is a difference between lesbians and bisexuals. It’s a pretty key difference, and it should be easy to remember.
(Part of that problem is cultural-I once had a straight dude who I had been fairly close friends with for a couple of years call me on the phone GOBSMACKED because he had been listening to a news story on NPR, and he needed to confirm with me this stunning new piece of information he had learned: That “lesbian” and “bisexual” are not interchangeable words.)
If you’re an ally, you need to understand that it’s a big deal. Perpetuating the idea that lesbians will sleep with men if only they’re charming enough also perpetuates the idea that lesbians will sleep with men if only they’re forceful enough. And assuming that bisexuals don’t exist or that “bisexual” just means “slut” is damaging in its own way.
And if we’ve known each other for years and you refer to my sexual orientation, and you pick the wrong one, it’s like realizing you don’t know my last name after all this time. That has happened with well-intentioned straight male friends so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve politely corrected guy friends before and had them say “same thing” or even just keep doing it. Being an ally is more than just not passing the most evil laws you can think of.
And I second the “Hey, that’s not cool” principle. It makes a real long-term difference if you’re willing to be brave enough to shut down homophobic or misogynist conversations, especially when you’re in a group of dudes.
I also really appreciate it when guys think about what makes women, in general, feel unsafe and adjust for that. If I’m walking home at night and you bother to keep a non-threatening distance away instead of keeping a close pace behind my left ear where I can’t see you, you get points in Ladyheaven.
You can’t get into Ladyheaven, but you get points there.
Kim Hoffman: This huddle catches me at a strange time-I’m pretty turned off by “well-meaning” men in my life who claim their support as allies and have proven otherwise. Those same men typically refer to other women as “bitches,” or assume they’ve joined the lesbian club by association and can call anyone a “dyke.” Just last night, after hearing a guy friend continuously inject rape jokes into casual conversation, I finally shut it down by asking him to be more mindful of how he’s contributing to rape culture with his comments. He laughed.
Side note: I spent hours on Twitter the other night looking at how many men make a point to suggest that rape culture isn’t real while simultaneously threatening to rape. A guy friend once claimed he understood what it’s like for strangers to assume things about him based on his appearance and it went on and on. He hadn’t begun the conversation-it was my girlfriend and me discussing the approach of men who think they can enter our spaces in an assuming, abrupt, unwelcome way, only made worse by what occurs when males feel rejected and fragile (ugh ugh ugh.) When it was shut down, it became a BFD (a big fucking deal.) You could tell he was pissed because he was so sure he related, and wanted to shift into a story about his own struggles.
So, this one’s important-stop bringing your narrative into our stories; it ain’t the same. My girlfriend and I are treated differently in the same setting by the same man time and time again-I get the unwanted bedroom eyes, and she gets the cold shoulder. What, because I look girlier than she does? Now, if my guy friends approached me one on one with a willingness to sit down and listen, I’d be pretty impressed because I haven’t been approached with such maturity and openness yet. Always know that no matter what you do to be a greater ally, you’ll never know or feel our experiences, ever.
Chelsea Steiner: Stop talking and just listen to us.
What advice would you offer a well-meaning male ally?
