Last summer, my girlfriend and I thought it would be genius to take a road trip. We needed to go to her hometown in Texas for a short visit, so instead of flying, we thought we would drive there (two days) and then turn around and drive right back (two more days). It was a great plan—we could save money, have an adventure, and spend quality time together!
But none of these things came true. We ended up spending more money than a plane ticket—and we spent it all on gas and twizzlers. Our bodies atrophied, we felt gross and out of shape and we kept shoveling fast food in our mouths. We lost our minds due to the sheer silence and repetitive scenery and ended up creating our own, imaginary radio show, in which we were both the hosts and the callers. It was madness.
I always thought a road trip sounded like so much fun, and maybe you do, too, but before you actually embark on a four-day drive with your love, consider these 10 reasons why you should never, ever do that.
You don’t want to hate her.
It doesn’t matter how much you love someone; if you’re in a car with them for several days straight, you will realize just how much you hate them. Whether they are flossing in the passenger seat or telling boring stories for 18 hours, no one can stay in your good graces when you’re crammed next to them for that long.
Eating gross fast food together isn’t your idea of a good time.
No one looks pretty or seems cool when they are scarfing down their third burger of the day. Let’s face it: Fast food is best consumed when you are alone in your car in the corner of an empty parking lot. You don’t want to eat Jack in the Box with your GF all day–it kills the romance.
You’re afraid the two of you will run out of things to say.
Sometimes you run out of things to say at brunch, so how do you expect to have a conversation for an entire week with no TV or social media to fill the silent places?
She thinks you’re a scary driver. You think she’s a scary driver.
My GF and I already fight about each other’s driving abilities on a daily basis. I think she sucks at parking and gets way too close to other cars. She thinks I “drive like Santa when he’s late for Christmas”—but guess what? I always get us there on time. This is a fight I’d rather not have, and when you’re on a road trip together, it’s kind of hard to ignore how bad you both are at operating a vehicle.
Car sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
If there is a sexy way to do it in the back of a car, I haven’t seen it since Titanic (and even that seemed way too steamy and moist for me). I mean, first of all, I’m worrying about the upholstery. And then your knees are in my everything and my elbows are very sharp and whacking you in the face. I don’t need this.
Peeing in gas station bathrooms and buying her a scratch-off lottery ticket is not your idea of a date.
You’re not a snob, but you’d rather have dinner at a real restaurant than hold sticky hands with her under the fluorescent lights of every gas station store from here to Texas.
You enjoy alone time.
There is no alone time when you are sitting next to each other all day, every day until you reach your destination. This should probably be the first—and only—reason not to take a road trip.
Your expectations of beautiful scenery might not come true.
Yes, there is definitely scenery in America. Just not in between L.A. and Texas. All we saw was dirt, more dirt, more dirt, and rocks. Don’t get me wrong—dirt is pretty. Just not for 96 hours. I think you have to remember that in order to find scenery, you have to plan a scenic route.
You need a daily workout to function.
If you like to work out, long car rides will drive you crazy. On our road trip, my GF was feeling so cooped up and so deprived of working out that she started doing kettlebell exercises in the backseat of her car while I was driving (because there’s obviously always a kettlebell in there). It was really distracting and unsafe and it also made me jealous that there was no way to work out as the driver, except by doing kegels, which personally, I find WAY too hard so I just give up immediately.
Couldn’t we just fly?
There’s this amazing invention—all you do is board a plane, take a nap, and bam—you’re somewhere else. Let’s do that next time.