I have a serious problem. It has recently come to my attention that my long-term girlfriend is in love with Sandra Bullock.
I get that people are human and it’s normal for my gf to have attractions outside of our beautiful, amazing relationship. My only question is WHY?
Why is she looking at Sandra Bullock in the first place? Am I not enough for her? Do I not dance well enough?
When I first found out about the affair (between my girlfriend’s brain and Ms. Bullock), I was heartbroken. After four years of dating, I truly believed that we had it all. Walks on the beach, a huge collection of feminist comic books, the same weird interest in digging through the dirt for arrowheads—but clearly, we didn’t have it all. We didn’t have anything. If she were truly satisfied with me, would I catch her trying to watch Hope Floats on her iPhone on the sly? Would I hear her fast-forwarding to all the best parts of Miss Congeniality while I was in the shower and she thought I couldn’t tell? Would I discover she had spent weeks pinning photos of Sandra on a secret Pinterest board?
It’s not so much that I’m threatened; I’m confused. Sandra Bullock seems like a great woman, but she and I have nothing in common, which makes me wonder—how can my girlfriend truly love me when I’m the opposite of her dream girl, Sandra Bullock?
I mean, let’s just start with her personality (based on movies): She’s down-to-earth, the girl next door, a good mom who takes in stray kids, a good mom who names her daughter “Bernice Matisse,” an undercover cop and a pageant winner. She tells the truth and solves the crime and saves the day. She sometimes falls in love with a guy in a coma, but only because she herself is so full of love that it radiates to everyone around her, even the unconscious. She kisses people in the rain, because she loses herself in the moment because she’s just a warm, radiant person who kisses people no matter what the weather.
I, on the other hand, am not a morning person. I don’t like the feeling of sunshine on my face and I DO NOT get caught in the rain; I move to a sheltered area immediately. I don’t have a personality, “per se.” So how can my gf love us both?
Next, there’s the issue of how Sandra and I are physically opposite. Sandra has beautiful skin and curves and shiny dark hair. I have a twig body with 18 elbows. Please explain! What is it that my girlfriend wants—a luscious movie star with an overflowing personality, or a twig woman? She needs to make a choice. It isn’t fair to either of us.
Yes, I need answers. I need to know that she doesn’t want to be with me simply because Sandra isn’t available right now. If Sandra and I were both on Tinder, who would she swipe right for?
Sandra Bullock and Caitlin
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