Being passive aggressive isn’t helping your relationship. In fact, it’s like a poison that is slowly making you hate each other. When you say something passive aggressive to your partner, it’s because you are not willing to say what you actually feel/mean. This starts a vicious cycle. When she doesn’t know what you feel/mean, you get upset, even though it’s actually your fault because you did not tell her. Then she gets mad at you for being so confusing.
Masking your true feelings = guarantee of your relationship’s DEMISE. Don’t worry—you can stop being such a passive aggressive jerk. Just identify the problematic things you are saying, and then stop. Here are three common examples:
1. “I guess I’ll ______” (fill in the blank with any annoying/tedious activity, like: do the dishes, walk the dog, drive us to the suburbs, make dinner.)
When you actually want to do something, you don’t preface it with “I guess I’ll…” Instead you say something like, “I can’t wait to do the dishes!” So if you really don’t want to do the freaking dishes for some reason (maybe you are always doing them, maybe you don’t have time right now), stop acting like you’re okay with it. Instead, launch into a 45-minute conversation with your partner about how she never picks up after herself. I’m serious. You need to do it. At least then you’ll both learn something, and you won’t be keeping your toxic resentful feelings inside.
2. “Oh…okay. Have fun.”
If your gf is going out without you and you’re like, “Oh…okay. Have fun,” you’re being kind of passive aggressive right now. The second part of your answer makes it sound like you are totally cool with her plans, but the first part of your answer makes it seem like you aren’t. This is a classic combo response, which leaves her reeling trying to figure out if it’s actually okay for her to go out without you. It seems like it is…but then there was that sad, “oh, okay” part, which will nag at her all night and make her feel bad, which will make her feel frustrated, which will make her mad at you for not just saying how you actually feel. Just be honest. Say something like, “Can I come?” Or, “Sounds good. Can we have a date tomorrow night?”
3. “I thought you were going ______(i.e. “get me an anniversary gift”), but it’s okay.”
LIAR. If this were truly okay with you, you would not feel the need to say the first part of the sentence. Anytime you end with, “but it’s okay,” that means it is not. That’s why the word “but” is in there. Instead of performing this fucked up mind game on yourself and on her, in which neither of you are totally sure if something was okay or not, just say what you actually mean. For example, “I was hurt that you didn’t get me an anniversary gift.” BOOM. So clear. Now she can actually talk to you about what is wrong, instead of the two of you dancing circles around each other for 75 minutes and then crying for no reason.
These are just a few examples, but you get the idea. Watch out for combo sentences, use of the phrase “But it’s okay,” and be on high alert for “I guess I’ll…” If you can be clearer about what you want, she can be a much better girlfriend to you! And also, you can have more conversations about things, instead of having suppressed, hostile rage boiling inside of you as you scrub the dishes so hard that they break.