Biffle or Beezy: Can I Change How My Girlfriend Kisses?

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“Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.” —David Sedaris

 

Dear Biffle or Beezy,

My GF is a horrible kisser. I wanna tell her, but I don’t wanna hurt her feelings. 

—Lockjaw

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Dear Lockjaw,

Fascinating question. I wonder how you ended up in a relationship with someone who can’t kiss. Did you just white knuckle it for eight dates? Fix one eye on the clock and salivate through 90 seconds of macking before jamming your schnoz in her snatch? Get liquored up and tap into those disassociation skills you acquired in junior high?

No judgement; if anything, I’m impressed by your pragmatic approach to romance and sensuality. It’s Socratic and shit. In light of your clinical analysis, here is one basic strategy for people fixing with minimal trauma. It can be used across the board, from kissing to cleaning. Classic wifely nagging disguised as flattery.

When she does something you want to change, gently take control and do what you want her to do. Sweetly say, “I love it when you do this.” BOOM. Feedback! Repeat as necessary with your beloved’s myriad of glaring flaws. I can ship it. For a detailed guide to improving specific types of crap kissing, check out this piece on Cosmopolitan.

  xo Chlo

 

 

Dear Biffle or Beezy,

So I get always get waxed anytime I see some form of stubble and my girlfriend shaves her legs but not her lady bits how do I get her to cut that shit off?

 —Buzz Clit

 

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Dear Buzz Clit,

I’m trying so hard not to roll my eyes because this question makes you sound like kind of an asshole. As a feminist, I’m tempted by the knee-jerk “HAIR IS NATURAL HOW DARE YOU!” but that response is reductive and unproductive. Everyone has preferences. Gays are more aware of various sexual preferences than anyone. You don’t have the right to make your GF shave, but she should know what turns you on and off.

Shaving is a pretty simple way to make someone happy. I think most girls would decorate their lady bits upon request for a frequent guest. Lesbians spend a lot of time down there performing rigorous tasks. We should be comfortable.

Preferring shaved pu$$y* isn’t PC, but it is common. There’s a lot going on down there and it’s always helpful to see what you’re doing. I’m a writer, but I can’t (or don’t want to) type without looking at the screen. You’re a lesbian, but you can’t (or don’t want to) play tongue twister without looking at the board. Can’t, won’t, whatever—you do how you wanna do.

Down to hairy business. “Cut that shit off” is no way to address your girlfriend’s vagina. You have all the tact of a honeybadger. Instead of issuing obscenity-laden commands, wait for an intimate moment and casually remark, “It would be so hot to go down on your shaved pu$$y”. If you’re feeling uncharacteristically demure, say, “I think it would be a total turn on if you shaved.” If critique drenched in hollow homage is more your cup of Kombucha, whisper, “You’re so beautiful. I want to see all of you…everywhere” while lightly tracing her hoo-ha.

There are countless ways to say, “I would like you more if you were different.”     

After she agrees, make yourself useful by presenting your soon-to-be-shorn lover with a razor, shave gel, lotion, and scissors. Awkward? Yes, but so is your request. The gift will make her laugh and expedite the shaving process so you can show your appreciation in more interesting ways.

xo Chlo

*I’m using Ke$ha grammar to soften a naughty word for our more delicate readers. Feel free to suggest your euphemism of choice in the comments.

 

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