Introducing “Biffle or Beezy,” AfterEllen’s new friendship column for your bosom buddy brawls and chum challenges. In each installment, we’ll field questions to determine if your friend is a biffle (best friend) or beezy (b*tch).
What to do when your best friend treats her gf crappy, lies, hold double standards, one step from actual cheating? I honestly wouldn’t try getting involved if she didn’t makes me part of these lies. I’ve pulled away because she can’t even hang out at a bar with me without it being a lie to her gf. Like instead of telling her gf that she drunkenly fell asleep in the park next to her apt, she made a huge lie where I dragged her to a girls house so I could get laid & left her in the car all night. —Begrudging Bestie
Dear Begrudging Bestie, You are entitled to be friends with people who treat you like you want to be treated. Just want to make that clear off the bat. There are two key issues at hand: lying for a best friend, and being made to look like an asshole by your best friend.
We all have a unique ethical blueprint that designates what behavior we view as acceptable or unacceptable. We’ve never kicked it so I’m not aware of your degree of moral relativity and will assume it’s parallel to my own. Lying is a fundamental part of human interaction. You probably lie all the time for your own benefit, so don’t be cheap about lying for others. Is it annoying that your bestie expects you to lie for her regularly? Yes. Is it wrong? Eh. Not really. Unlike business relationships, where you can be very clear that you’re only doing something for someone else in order to get something in return, platonic and romantic relationships require at least the illusion of unconditional generosity. We buy drinks for our poor friends, listen to our heartbroken friends, and lie for our cheating friends under the unspoken understanding that they would (and eventually will) do the same for us.
As friends, it’s not our place to judge. It’s our place to provide unconditional acceptance and a damn good time. You don’t really care that your bestie is lying to her girlfriend because you- like any good friend- put your bestie’s happiness far above her girlfriend’s happiness. That’s ok! You can’t care about everyone. But for the few who matter, you’ve got to be ride or die.
Which brings us to issue number two: A best friend who makes you look like a dick to disguise her own dickishness. If it’s an isolated incident, whatever, we all take a bullet for someone else at some point. But it sounds like your bestie has made a habit of using you and that is seriously uncool. Even if she’s only making you look like a dick to her girlfriend, who is being cheated on and therefore in no place to judge your judgement.
So what do you do?
Option A is weak and Option B is brash. Both end with the loss of your dignity or best friend. So I suggest Option C: turning an uncomfortable situation to your own advantage. For example: I like smoking cigarettes but they are bad for me so I don’t buy packs of cigarettes. Instead I give my roommate a dollar every time I want to bum one of hers. The next time your bestie wants to use you to save her own skin, ask for something in return. Dinner, drinks, a night of wingmanning, back massage, car wash, whatever. This will teach her the value of your sacrifices, and will prevent you from being eaten alive by resentment. Plus you won’t lose a friend! You win. She wins. Everyone wins. Except for her girlfriend. But she was never going to win.