Biffle or Beezy: What Would Lana Del Rey Do?

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Introducing “Biffle or Beezy,” AfterEllen’s new friendship column for your bosom buddy brawls and chum challenges. In each installment, we’ll field questions to determine if your friend is a biffle (best friend) or beezy (b*tch). 

Dear Biffle or Beezy, I have an unusual and somewhat embarrassing issue. I’m a femme lesbian in my early thirties living in a very sophisticated city. When I turned 30, I began noticing my lips lose fullness and wrinkles around my eyes and mouth deepen. Every time I looked in the mirror, I’d see those lines and feel old. My mouth was always on the stingy side and with aging became practically non-existent.

After a couple years of agony, I decided to fix the issue, and had juvederm injected into my cheeks and lips. I’m pretty happy with the results and feel great, but after the injections my face and lips did swell and it was a bit obvious. A few of my friends have made subtleand not so subtlyobservations about my newly plump lips and smooth face. I feel self-conscious about having the procedure, especially as a lesbian, since we’re supposed to be above all that plastic surgery jazz. Should I fess up? No one’s outright asked, but I feel like they know. —Lana Del Gay

Opening Ceremony and "Moonrise Kingdom" Premiere - 65th Annual Cannes Film Festival

Dear Lana Del Gay, Remember those WWJD: What Would Jesus Do bracelets that the not cool kids would sport in elementary school, before rebelling against Judeo Christianity and getting preggo/super duper high in high school? Well, there’s a far better question to ask yourself when it comes to issues of honesty and cosmetic enhancement: WWLDRD? What would Lana Del Rey Do? Lana Del Rey, born Lizzie Grant, transformed from privileged blonde bitch next door to lush human orchid. Although the changes in Lizzie/Lana’s face (specifically those magnificent lips, but also her nose) are too obvious to ignore, Lana has flat out denied cosmetic enhancement of any kind.

What can we learn from Lana? I’m so happy you asked. What we learn from Lana is thus: you do not owe anyone an explanation for how you look. If people want to whisper about you—and they’ll always want to whisper about you—let them. Don’t feed into the gossip. Don’t give them what they want: a reason to belittle your looks and life choices.

FOX's "American Idol" Season 11 - Top 10 To 9 Live Elimination Show

One of my deepest and most deeply held beliefs is that a woman’s body is her own. Whether it’s abortion or juvederm, you have the right to control your body without approval or justification. We all know Lana Del Rey had work done—but does that make her any less beautiful? Absolutely not. Your friends might suspect, or even feel sure, that you’ve had a little freshening up. That doesn’t make you any less fresh. If you want to brag about your dope dermy, go ahead. But if you’d rather not explain yourself, don’t. Deny. Lie, girl. Lie with the wind. Lie like Lana, like an American, like you were born to die. Final note: I dated a girl with restylane lips, and those beauties were like pillows of sex and velvet. Slap on some lipstick and don’t worry about the haters. Your lips are dope. I’m reminded of a bittersweet Emerson quote I’ve found to be lovely and correct: “Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.”

Verdict: Anyone who gossips about your face is a Beezy, not Biffle. Treat them accordingly.

Dear Biffle or Beezy, I have a friendship problem, kind of. I’ve met this girl at college who I think is cool and witty and is hot, although not especially my type. We met at a house party and ended up leaving the party together and going out drinking til about five, but nothing happened because we both have girlfriends, although she was talking about how she isn’t happy with hers. I have avoided much contact since then because it seems like an ambiguous situation, but now she has messaged me again. Would it be bad for us to be friends? I feel like the situation was kind of charged. What are your thoughts?— Miss Ambiguity

Opening Ceremony And 'The Great Gatsby' Premiere - The 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival

Dear Miss Ambiguity, this is absolutely a Biffle or Beezy question! First of all, let me offer congratulations on your high self esteem. A cool lesbo befriends and confides in you and you assume she’s trying to bone. I’m not saying she’s not into you, but am I saying that she has shown no sign of being into you. No matter how much she bitches about her girlfriend, she still has a girlfriend—and so do you. Neither of you are available, and neither of you have made a move. So why are you stressing? Why are you avoiding this poor girl? It sounds like you guys met, hit it off, and had a super fun night. If she’s actually unhappy with her relationship (as opposed to just bitching, a venerable pastime), she’s probably in need of a friend right now. Someone cool and witty and hot. Someone like you! Are all of your other friends hideous? Do you only befriend fuggos, or merely surround yourself with uggos? Not all women have a hidden agenda. I mean I do, but other girls don’t. I think.

Here’s some real talk: That charge you’re feeling? Yeah that’s coming from you. You’re attracted to this girl, probably because she’s hot, witty, and exotic. Are you worried about her actions or your own? You say she’s unhappy with her girlfriend—could you maybe be bored with yours? Or is this hot/witty/cool dyke the girl you never knew you wanted until you first laid eyes upon her silken mullet and sexy sleeve?

Now that we’ve established that a. she’s not hitting on you and b. you subconsciously want to hit on her, I have some good news: You can be friends with someone you kinda wanna bang. I do it all the time! Because my friends are hot. So hot. Like I am an attractive person, but I live in Los Angeles, and there are models/producers just milling about everywhere, being naturally pretty and waking up like this. It is both sickening and deeply erotic.

Echo Award 2013 - Red Carpet Arrivals

You can and should be friends with this, or any other rad hottie. If you really love your girlfriend, you’ll be able to control that urge to merge with babes. If your relationship isn’t meant to be, hanging out with other lesbians will remind you that there’s many of fish in the sea. Don’t punish your new friend or yourself for being sexy. We can’t help it. Hot, witty, rad girls can be great friends too. Just look at me.

Verdict: If you blow this girl off for being too awesome, you are a Beezy. Don’t let fear of temptation prevent a friendship.

Do YOU have friendship questions for “Biffle or Beezy”? Email them tohowtritemedia@gmail.com, tweet @howtrite, or ask on Tumblr.

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