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The Hook Up: Attack of the straight girls and dating tips for introverts

I met a woman in a foreign country last year. She identifies as straight, while I identify as a woman who’s attracted to other women. I fell in love with her the first time we met. We had coffee shortly after we bumped into each other, but I found out then that 1. she was separated from her husband, and 2. she was on her way back to her home country. My heart fell, but that brief time we talked, we both felt as though we’d known each other forever. Still, I didn’t put too much hope when she asked for my email address and promised to write as soon as she settled back into her homeland.

A few days after she would have reached home, she did write me an email and we got started on IMing each other. It’s been almost a year now and we continue to IM each other practically every single day. When I flew into her country, she promised to see me in the city where I was staying. She arrived with her BFF and her BFF’s butch GF-a complete but welcome surprise to me. Nothing physical or sexual happened between us.

At some point in our almost-year-long chat, I did confess to her that I like her, but in this recent visit, she seemed to have conveniently forgotten about it. She talked a lot about her liking “manly men.” Bottom line: Everything she’s done thus far (weekend visit, daily investment of time and energy into our day-long chats) has made me feel very special, but I don’t know where I really stand with her. How do I broach the subject? Or should I just wait and allow things to happen organically until even I feel that she’s really ready to tell me how she feels?-In Love With A Straight Girl

p.s. When I told her that I like her, she just chuckled and said that she’s straight. She neither got mad nor changed her ways with me.

Anna says: Oh Sweetheart. I think you do know “where you stand with her.” And it’s squarely in the Friend Zone. You confessed your feelings and got zilch in return. You met in person and she regaled you with her love of “manly men.” And she told you straight-up (sorry) that she’s straight. So where are the confusion and the lingering doubts coming from? I don’t doubt your profound and deep connection, and I’m sure you make her feel special too, but it’s not a romantic connection, (at least not from your description) and no amount of IMing can change that, butterbean.

Even if it were, you live in different countries, she’s getting over a divorce, and if she did one day decide she liked girls (again, there’s no evidence to support this), you’d have to deal with her intense coming out narrative and any identity crises that might occur because of the shift. Are you really up for that?

You sound like a romantic, so you’ll probably answer that with a resounding “yep!” So let me put it another way. You have my permission to still feel all The Feels this girl gives you-you don’t have to stop IMing, though I would try to lessen the daily habit-but you have to also start looking for someone nearby and tangible and at least 40 percent gay. You can save this long-distance straight girl one shelf in the kitchen cabinet of your heart, but only if you allow for the potential of a far greater space to be occupied by someone who might actually want to be with you and fulfill you and make out with you in a dry goods pantry (or whatever). As long as you are pining and spending all your time chasing a girl who doesn’t reciprocate your desires, then you aren’t making room for the girl that could realistically do all those things.

Can you do that? Save some of your heart’s prime real estate for a lady-lovin’ lady not too far away? ‘Cause you deserve it.

The amazing and hilarious Dara Nai said it best: “The best way to handle these sitches is to reverse the roles. If a guy liked you, and you said you were gay, should he still wonder how you felt about him, and should he keep pursuing it?”

I’m a 22-year-old girl who realized a couple of years ago that I might like girls. I have had serious crushes, but have never had a relationship with a girl (yet). The problem is that I’m living in a place where there isn’t a “visible” lesbian/bi community and I’m very shy, especially around women. How could I show that I’m attracted to girls too? Or where I could meet some people like me since most of my friends are straight?

My friend is also causing me some problems. We have been friends for a long time and she doesn’t understand my feelings toward girls. She tries to get me interested in guys only, but at the same time she likes to mess with my feelings. Like while we are watching movies together she likes to sit really close to me and sometimes she teases me a bit. I don’t know why she’s doing that and what’s the point of all that since she’s straight and wouldn’t even consider dating a woman. I like her, but I would never want to do anything stupid and lose a friend. It just makes me feel bad, but I’m too afraid to say that to her since I don’t know if she does it on purpose.

I’m just really confused about many of these feelings and have been thinking about my sexuality and I don’t know what I should now? Any ideas?-Some Problems

Anna says: I don’t entirely understand it when people say they have friends they are “afraid” of, or who make them feel bad about themselves. Like, why are you playing Words With Friends with monsters? But hopefully your close-sitting-couch friend’s teasing is mild. Ask yourself what behavior of hers makes you feel bad and why you think that is, then express your concerns to her. Is it because she’s a little homophobic? Is it that she doesn’t recognize your bisexuality (a la setting you up with dudes?) Is it that her teasing is callous or cruel and not playful? Is it that she has stirred some feelings in you that are less than friendly and you don’t know how to express that? Once you figure it out, whatever it is, you need to have a talk with her. If you find that you actually really can’t talk to her about your feelings, then you should probably reconsider why y’all are friends in the first place. Some good-natured playing is one thing, but anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself on a semi-regular basis isn’t a friend, but a doucheblanket.

As to how to meet girls, we’ve covered that here and here and here. And while DWI, dating while introverted, is a bit more challenging, it’s not all that different from DWOOS, dating with ovaries of steel. A few general tips:

Online dating is a shy girl’s best friend. You can take as much time to get to know new people as you want, and all during commercials for The Bachelor if you want. You can think about your responses to questions and be thoughtful and witty and flirtatious in text first, which should springboard you into getting the idea across when/if you meet in person.

Let your mouthy, aggressive friends do the flirting for you. Most of us have at least one friend who is not shy about talking to strangers, getting free drinks, or taking her top off for a bite of sandwich. Enlist this friend to help you land the gal of your dreams the next time you’re out amongst the hotties. It worked in seventh grade, and it still works now, assuming you can get over the initial embarrassment of letting a middleman do your dirty work. True story: One of my college friends helped me land a girl’s number with the whole pointing-at-me-in-a-bar routine. Her plan worked a little too well, actually, because then she and I ended up making out instead. Either way, it got me out of making a potential ass out of myself in front of a pretty girl AND a making out at the bus stop story, (my favorite kind).

Meet people places you feel comfortable. Do stuff you like doing. If you’re a big reader, join a book group. If you like dogs, go to a dog park. If you love making lanyards, then you are a girl scout and hence too young to be reading this. But you get my point. The world is scary, but it’s less so when you’re doing something you’re passionate about, whether it’s shipping or parasailing or whatever. You might not meet your next fling at a sushi-making workshop, but you never know-maybe someone there knows someone queer. Either way, it’ll help you get used to talking to people, which is always a marketable skill, much like parasailing.

Take things as slooooow as you need and don’t worry too much about being confused. If the letters I receive at The Hook Up are any indication, 95 percent of us are confused about something, most likely a straight girl.

Best of luck, Muffin Cup!

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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