I met a woman in a foreign country last year. She identifies as straight, while I identify as a woman who’s attracted to other women. I fell in love with her the first time we met. We had coffee shortly after we bumped into each other, but I found out then that 1. she was separated from her husband, and 2. she was on her way back to her home country. My heart fell, but that brief time we talked, we both felt as though we’d known each other forever. Still, I didn’t put too much hope when she asked for my email address and promised to write as soon as she settled back into her homeland.
A few days after she would have reached home, she did write me an email and we got started on IMing each other. It’s been almost a year now and we continue to IM each other practically every single day. When I flew into her country, she promised to see me in the city where I was staying. She arrived with her BFF and her BFF’s butch GF—a complete but welcome surprise to me. Nothing physical or sexual happened between us.
At some point in our almost-year-long chat, I did confess to her that I like her, but in this recent visit, she seemed to have conveniently forgotten about it. She talked a lot about her liking “manly men.” Bottom line: Everything she’s done thus far (weekend visit, daily investment of time and energy into our day-long chats) has made me feel very special, but I don’t know where I really stand with her. How do I broach the subject? Or should I just wait and allow things to happen organically until even I feel that she’s really ready to tell me how she feels?—In Love With A Straight Girl
p.s. When I told her that I like her, she just chuckled and said that she’s straight. She neither got mad nor changed her ways with me.
Anna says: Oh Sweetheart. I think you do know “where you stand with her.” And it’s squarely in the Friend Zone. You confessed your feelings and got zilch in return. You met in person and she regaled you with her love of “manly men.” And she told you straight-up (sorry) that she’s straight. So where are the confusion and the lingering doubts coming from? I don’t doubt your profound and deep connection, and I’m sure you make her feel special too, but it’s not a romantic connection, (at least not from your description) and no amount of IMing can change that, butterbean.
Even if it were, you live in different countries, she’s getting over a divorce, and if she did one day decide she liked girls (again, there’s no evidence to support this), you’d have to deal with her intense coming out narrative and any identity crises that might occur because of the shift. Are you really up for that?
You sound like a romantic, so you’ll probably answer that with a resounding “yep!” So let me put it another way. You have my permission to still feel all The Feels this girl gives you—you don’t have to stop IMing, though I would try to lessen the daily habit—but you have to also start looking for someone nearby and tangible and at least 40 percent gay. You can save this long-distance straight girl one shelf in the kitchen cabinet of your heart, but only if you allow for the potential of a far greater space to be occupied by someone who might actually want to be with you and fulfill you and make out with you in a dry goods pantry (or whatever). As long as you are pining and spending all your time chasing a girl who doesn’t reciprocate your desires, then you aren’t making room for the girl that could realistically do all those things.
Can you do that? Save some of your heart’s prime real estate for a lady-lovin’ lady not too far away? ‘Cause you deserve it.
The amazing and hilarious Dara Nai said it best: “The best way to handle these sitches is to reverse the roles. If a guy liked you, and you said you were gay, should he still wonder how you felt about him, and should he keep pursuing it?”