Biffle Or Beezy: The Lowly House Elf

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Introducing “Biffle or Beezy,” AfterEllen’s new friendship column for your bosom buddy brawls and chum challenges. In each installment, we’ll field questions to determine if your friend is a biffle (best friend) or beezy (b*tch). 

Dear Biffle or Beezy, 

Five months ago a new roommate, who I’ll call Kelly, moved into my apartment. Kelly is a badass lesbian in her early 30s with an amazing job and chill attitude, so I thought we’d be a great fit. Not so much. The problem with Kelly is she doesn’t clean. Anything. In six months she’s never swept or Swiffered and refuses to do so because she spends most of her time in her room. Kelly also won’t buy anything for the house except toliet paper because “you said the apartment came furnished.” She recently stopped buying paper towels, saying we should purchase them separately because “you use more.” In addition to not cleaning or contributing, Kelly has become increasingly anti-social. When I have friends over, Kelly won’t even say hi, and she never wants to do any of the cute roomie stuff I’d like to do: chat about our days, make dinner every once in awhile, or help decorate the apartment. I’ve had really terrible roommates before and Kelly isn’t terrible; just cheap and cold. When Kelly moved in, we agreed on six months, and that’s up on February 1st. I wrote Kelly a long email explaining that if she wouldn’t start cleaning and contributing, this isn’t the place for her. Kelly got super bitchy and said my ideas of contribution “were not equal or right.” Am I being unfair? Should I settle for stable but unfulfilling Kelly, or risk a terrible roommate in pursuit of a fabulous one?

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Dear Kreacher,

First of all, let me congratulate you on being selected as house elf for foreign royalty. Surely there were many applicants. Kelly does not swiffer or sweep because Kelly, also known as “kelisi,” is above such peasant chores. Royalty shalt not sully their hands with burdens of filth. Kelly does not buy household goods because those things have always appeared via the invisible hands of The Silent Ones, an order of palace eunuch whose tongues have been cut out to ensure the safety of her majesty’s many dark secrets. If by some small chance Kelly is not a blue blood and you are not a sullen serf, then here’s my assessment: Kelly sounds like a stingy deb, not a chill roomie. I, too, am inclined to judge a person’s relative decency by their job and appearance, but I’ve also found this to be a highly flawed system. If you must kick it with the trendy sociopathic hotties, just bang; don’t live with them.

As the official apartment renter, you are in the position of power. So use that power to get what you want. That is the entire point of acquiring power: to further thy own ends. Why are you thinking like a Dobby when you have the resources of a Malfoy? You put in the effort and finances to find, rent, and furnish an apartment, so you deserve to be happy in that space. Don’t let fear dictate your choices. Don’t settle for mediocrity, for quiet unhappiness, because of fear. That’s weak. Be tough even if it means not being nice. Kelly is operating under the assumption that you’re a doormat. Correct her.

Verdict: Kelly is a beezy, and you are not her biffle. Kick her highness to the curb.

Dear Biffle or Beezy,

There’s this girl I used to have sex with and I can’t tell if we’re still potentially going to be having sex or if we’re just friends. I really liked having sex with her but don’t necessarily want to date her, and I’d like to arrange some sort of fuck buddy relationship without looking like a ho or getting attached. She takes me out to dinner once a week and we talk every couple days, but she hasn’t made a move since we got in a fight months ago. It bothers me that she doesn’t want to sleep with me anymore, because I feel like I’m hot and good in bed. Did she get bored? What does she want? How did she go from being crazy attracted to me to never touching me? IS MY PERSONALITY THAT MUCH OF A TURN OFF???

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Dear Woody Allen,

The short answer is yes, your personality is that much of a turn off. The long answer is yes, your personality is that much of a turn off to this one girl. Or maybe it wasn’t your personality. It could have easily been your physical appearance. Perhaps she was utterly repulsed by your naked form? Could it have been your voice? Is it nasal?! Maybe your cardboard shanty of a home is what she found most lackluster? Here’s my point: yes, this girl just wants to be your friend, but that doesn’t make you hideously flawed. Please do not agonize over what you did wrong or, worst of all, try to fix your imaginary shortcomings. She’s just not that into you. Appreciate your new friend for who she is: the friend who buys you dinner.

Verdict: This girl buys you dinner, automatically making her a potential biffle. If she’s that annoying, just order the steak.

Do YOU have friendship questions for “Biffle or Beezy”? Email them to howtritemedia@gmail.com, tweet @howtrite, or ask on Tumblr.

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