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Notes & Queeries: Best Friends ForeverWhen I was 26, I also went to the wedding of a college friend; I’ll call her Anne. At that time, I was living in Los Angeles, where I was doing fieldwork for my master’s degree in cultural anthropology. I was interviewing television producers about their jobs; finding ways to get myself onto vast, cold sound stages; having lunch in West L.A. and fumbling with a tape recorder over the background noise of loud restaurants. Flying to Chicago for my friend’s wedding provided me with an oasis of familiarity in the middle of all that newness. There was a group of seven of us back then; we all crowded into a couple of hotel rooms where we talked to each other so vigorously it might have sounded like we were arguing. One of my friends — I’ll call her Heather — was one of Anne’s bridesmaids. The funnier part was that Heather was also Anne’s ex-girlfriend, and Anne was about to have a very traditional wedding to marry a man. At that time, Heather performed in a drag king troupe, and she was a pinup girl in a locally produced dyke calendar. Seeing her in her ex-girlfriend’s straight, traditional wedding — in a formal gown, no less — was so incongruous we joked about it for years afterward. I took a photo of Heather in her sky blue floor-length bridesmaid dress in the hotel, the bouquet of flowers she had carried limp in her hand due to the summer heat, a cigarette dangling out of her mouth. It was comical; I could imagine a cartoon text bubble floating above her head, asking, how did I get here in this dress? When I left the wedding weekend and returned to my sublet in Westwood near UCLA, I felt completely lost. The sudden absence of my friends — in combination with my life in a strange new city — was just like losing a limb. I was off-balance without them. That was the first time I remember deeply missing my friends; I was homesick for a group of women who were my first home away from home. These days, I look back at Wellesley with a romantic nostalgia, even though I did have some difficult experiences there. I remember sitting outside in the Quad at night, looking up at the lighted windows in the dorms around me and feeling utterly devastated by loneliness. But if I were to go back to that very same patch of grass today, I know I would only feel the warm glow of fond memories. I would remember walking with friends to the dining hall; sipping mini bottles of awful, sweet liqueur in Anne’s dorm room; hanging out at the basement cafe where the cutest dykes on campus microwaved shredded cheese onto tortilla chips in a messy semblance of nachos. Before I went to Wellesley, and even while I was an undergrad there, I never really understood why the alumnae were so dedicated to the college. Now I do. It’s because despite all the drama that happened during our college years, we were surrounded by a protective cushion, as if the college were enveloped in bubble wrap. Even if things sometimes sucked — and they did — there was a feeling that everything would ultimately be all right. I think this was the result of the lived experience of privilege. Not all Wellesley students come from wealthy backgrounds; a healthy number of my friends hailed from working class and ordinary middle-class families. Yet the campus and its buildings, in comparison to any of our parents’ homes, was palatial. Ming vases stood unguarded in Tower Court, a dorm that resembled a gothic castle, right down to its rumored ghosts.
Every Wednesday, tea was served in our living room, generally accompanied by cake or cookies. The tea came in a large, stainless steel urn rather than in china teapots, but that tradition later carried on into our lives as alumnae. Every holiday season, each local Wellesley alumnae club hosts a holiday tea at the grand home of one of our more successful alum. The houses are generally filled with gorgeous works of art and surrounded by manicured lawns or gardens. It’s a not-so-subtle reminder of the way we used to live, at college. We didn’t have personal maids exactly, but the bathrooms and common areas were cleaned by housekeeping staff, and dry cleaning could be picked up and delivered at the bell desk. This was the reception desk at every dorm, where male visitors had to be announced over the intercom so that you knew to put on a bathrobe if you were on your way to the shower. Interestingly, Wellesley required all of us students to work at the bell desk. I remember that during first-year orientation they told us it would teach us self-confidence. We were policing our own community, in a way, but it also taught us to possess authority in front of strangers. Working at the bell desk might have been one of the college’s most secretive tricks to turn us into Wellesley women: women who know they’re powerful. All of these privileges — for that’s what they were — created an environment that padded our lives. Even when I was utterly depressed, for example, I always knew where my next meal would come from: the dining hall. In a few days, my college friends are coming together for another wedding: mine. It’s been nine years since that first wedding, and in those intervening years we’ve all changed to some degree. I think most of us are done trying on different identities for the time being, or we’re settling into the ones that have claimed us: writer, businesswoman, teacher, mother. At my wedding, there will be no bridesmaids. There won’t be any wedding dresses, either, even though, technically, there are two brides. But just as they were nine years ago, my college friends will be there. I’ll tell them that if they need a book to read on the plane, they should pick up Commencement. I want to know what they think of this fictional mirror of our lives. Do they believe Bree’s story? Do they find the women in the novel to be both wonderfully familiar and frustratingly different, as I did? Are we as hard on each other — and as supportive — as Celia, Sally, April, and Bree? I suspect that we are. For more on Malinda Lo, visit her website. |
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by 
Even the dorm I spent three years in, the comfortably worn-down Shafer Hall, boasted oriental rugs and a grand piano in its living room. They were scarred by countless footsteps and the press of generations of fingers, but that’s what marked them as upper-class. They were decaying remnants of greatness; they were like old money.
Congratulations!
I had no idea! I've always loved your work here, Malinda, and will be first in line to buy the future best sellers!
Many, many congratulations and best wishes for a long and happy life together.
Hear hear!!
I, too, always enjoy reading what you write Malinda.
I'll be sure to read 'Commencement' since I'm a recent grad myself and already in the throes of nostalgia.
Congratulations!
Hearty congratulations to you, Malinda, on your upcoming nuptials!
It's funny to find your essay on this book on here today - I had breakfast with my parents earlier today, and my Mom was all excited about this new book she had bought - Commencement! My Mom is a Smith alum (class of '62), so she's excited about the setting - it will be interesting to see what she thinks of the characters and the storylines...looks like I will be borrowing it from her, especially given your commendation. Thanks for your compelling words.
Congratulations! Such great
A great read!!
I really like the tone in the article, nostalgic while being aware of it. This changed my mood into as said, but that's a good thing.
Congratulations!
I always love your writing,
I always love your writing, Malinda. It's so painfully nostalgia, and yet it never hints at regret.
I think, since I haven't gone to college yet (will be in 4 weeks!), I wouldn't quite understand Commencement, but who knows? Maybe one day =)
Congratulations on your wedding, Malinda!
Congratulations on your wedding, Malinda!
I'm very glad you shared your thoughts and experiences with us. I actually pre-ordered this book, hoping I wouldn't be disappointed, and I wasn't. It's a world far removed from mine and yet it was an immensely-enjoyable read.
Ah those undergrad days
My college experience might have been a little different, but I recognise a lot of what you talk about. I often think back fondly of my time as an undergrad, but at the same time I am so glad those days are far behind me.
Although I have lost touch with a lot of people, my best friends from those days are still my best friends now. I think we are all a little different - or probably more ourselves - than we were back then, but nothing makes you bond than having shared together every stupid thing you ever did in college.
Another great column, thanks for sharing. I'll definitely check out Commencement, despite the ugly cover.
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Who doesn't have a blog these days?
eurOut for all your European queer needsCongratulations Malinda!
Congratulations & Comments on Privilige
Congratulations! I hope that your wedding is all that you want it to be. May you and your bride live happily ever after, growing and changing together for the rest of your lives!
I didn't wind up going to a women's college, though I visited several, Wellesley and Smith included, and even applied to Bryn Mawr, but your comments about privilige at an elite liberal arts college ring 100% true to my ear. I just want to add that, despite coming from a relatively priviliged, upper-middle-class background, when I got to college, I found that the people I made friends with tended to be bennefitting from the generous need-based financial aid that my college's large endowment afforded. Now, I proudly raise funds for my alma mater, knowing that the money I give personally and the gifts that I solicit from other members of my class help to provide the same incredible educational environment (including the diversity afforded by those generous grants of aid) that we were so lucky to experience to current students.
I can't speak to the novel yet--I've got a hold on it at the public library here--but I wanted to echo Malinda's comments regarding the priviliges associated with the sort of environment in which the book is set.
"I am not a champion of lost causes but of causes not yet won."
Norman Thomas as quoted by Sonia Satomayor in her Princeton yearbook
Cheers!
Wow, what a time machine your piece was for me. I went to a state school, and it was nothing like your experience, but the common themes of identity, sexuality, and friendships ring true, I imagine, regardless of where you are.
A hearty congratulations to you and your spouse to be!
Happiness to you ...
Ah Malinda ... all happiness to you on your upcoming wedding.
The Dixie Cups 'Chapel of Love' is playing through my mind right now.
..:: toasting you with a glass of lemonade ::... Saradove
Congratulations!
I always love your column, Malinda...there's always a little detail in it that means something to me.
And congratulations on your imminent wedding!!!
Interesting
I think you are a wonderful writer, I always find your articles interesting even if I don't have a huge interest in the topic.
This book sounds like a good read which I might enjoy but for almost the opposite reason to you. I'm still at university but so far I've had an experience that sounds a million miles away from yours (not that I'm saying it's bad just different), so my interest in it comes from wanting to experience the foreign.
Congratulations!
I wish you all the Best!
I've met up for brunch with my collegefriends yesterday, and we're all collectively considering moving to Australia,these days:-)
cheers and congrats,again
D
Congratulations
I had a similar and very different experience; going to a predominantly male public school in the UK.
I'm very conscious of the piviledge I had and I'm slightly ashamed for the ways I sometimes squandered it in my adolescence. It wasn't quite the supportive experience you describe; it was far more adverserial in truth, though perhaps the age difference plays into that. But it was a bubble in which I began to find myself, and the scenery (Neo Gothic buildings and vast green lawns) was stunning. I also took away the best friends in my life from that experience, though I don't share any great love for the institution.
I imagine there's a common centre to such experiences that everyone shares in their lives and at the same time there is always a curiosity in us about the life unlived. I look forward to reading this book. Perhaps it will be a pleasant fantasy and escape; hopefully it will remind me of what I have.
GREAT ARTICLE - I'LL HAVE TO READ THE BOOK!!!!!
Thanks for another great article Malinda!!!!!
I too look back on my days at university with wistful nostalgia. I made friendships there that have stood the test of time and that I will always cherish. I look forward to reading "Commencement".
Congratulations on your nuptials...may you and your partner have many happy years together!!!!
I liked your bridesmaid
You're making me nostalgic
You're making me nostalgic for my undergrad days... though I'm enjoying graduate school, too, you never get back those days. I think being 18 has a lot to do with it :-)
Malinda, can't wait for Ash, and I hope someday you'll give us a novel about Wellesley. I got to the end of this essay and wanted to hear more. Always enjoy your columns, and Again- thanks!
Soon to read
i want this book!
I go to a mostly populated female school, but these girls are all married/have boyfriends. that's what happens when you go to nursing school in the south.
Now I wana go to Wellesley!
College sounds so much more fun than officers' training school...
But that was fun too :)
And congrats!
Wellesley memories
As a Wellesley sister myself, it was great to read about your experiences and see how much of it rang true to me. I agree that the Wellesley bubble (although scorned while there) is one of the things that I actually think back on most fondly and probably one of the reasons why Alumnae continue to support the college.
It's also interesting to me to read what was different in my experience - just in the time between when you were there and when I was a student. I was there from 2001-2005 and we did not have the afternoon tea nor did we have to announce male visitors over the intercom. Although much of the women's college experience remains the same, it is interesting to see how it may be evolving into something different. Though looking back, I'm certainly glad Wellesley is no longer considered a finishing school (see "Mona Lisa Smile"), but then again it's always produced very accomplished and intelligent graduates.
Thank you again for your thoughtful article, Malinda. (and P.S. It was great to meet you at the American Library Association conference!)
Wellesley 2013!
Congrats Malinda Lo!
I'm glad I read this article. You defintely can write. What a great suprrise ending of the article. Congrats, Malinda, happy for you.
I'm a Smithie right now,
I'm a Smithie right now, and I definitely think Commencement's line about trying on gayness is true for much of the queer community here. Smith is definitely a school for gay adolescence, LUGs, and general college immaturity times coming out and rebranding (or temporarily branding) a queer identity. A bit disappointing for me, as I came out at fifteen.
I guess I should say I'm not such a happy Smithie, but I do think that the safe space (and mostly-female space) it has given me, now that I am away, allows a greater awareness of gender and more confidence in myself. People go to Smith for a lot of different reasons, and that has shown in my experience, but my first summer in the "real world" of a new city has forced me to realize how much of the Smith perspective is branded in my brain. The privelige of having that queer feminist voice in my head--even if sometimes its voice is overbearing and it has the strong flavor of Smith homocentrism and biphobia--is quite valuable.
Congrats and thanks
okay, that completely
okay, that completely destroyed my indecision about which college to go to after my senior year. an all-women's college was one of 4 but now that's definitely my top choice. you make it sound like a dream come true. xD
i'll definitely need to check out that book, it sounds really great.
and congrats malinda, i hope you have a great wedding and a great marriage and a great life together. :)
this article hit home...
First of all: congratulations on your wedding Malinda -- wishing you and your betrothed all of the best for a very happy and fulfilling life together.
Second of all: having just returned from a trip back to the city where I did my undergrad degree for the wedding of one of my closest friends in the world (who is still one of my closest friends in the world 15 years after we graduated, yep we're old now :-), I just have to say how much I empathised with this. Ours wasn't a women's-only college and it certainly wasn't one that was associated with "privilege" in any way lol,....but a number of my closest friends did do women's studies courses there and the discovery of the self, playing with identities, thinking about femininity, masculinity, relationships and various queer possibilities that was encouraged in that atmosphere certainly did help shape all of us into who we are today and allowed another VERY socially awkward 18 year old (myself) to start a journey that has continued to evolve to this day. My friends who were my friends in those years are the people who made me who I am today (and continue to support me to be so today) and even tho the city in question is not my "home" it feels far more like my "home" than where I was actually born.
Commencement/Wellesley
I just finished reading Commencement after reading this article last week, and it is well worth the time/everything else.
As a Wellesley student {not yet an alum :-) }, your memories of Wellesley are making me appreciate everything about it more than ever. Also, it's great to know that we have some amazing alums (such as yourself!) that still care so much about that lovely school.
Congratulations on your wedding!
Great Book!
I bought this book on Friday night, read it all day Saturday and finished it up on Sunday. It was really great. A fast-paced read, but still touching and relatable.
I am pretty picky about the books I read and this one was a fluke! My friend told me she had read about it and wanted to go buy it. So, we both bought it so we could read it together and talk about it. Well, she read a few chapters and hasn't picked it up since, and I, the skeptical one, blew through it, loving every minute.
I really think AE readers will enjoy this one!
Commencement
First of all, congratulations--I'm a big fan of your pieces on here, they're very well written and enjoyable to read.
I just finished the book Commencement, and I have to say I absolutely loved it. I give you credit for sparking my interest in it--and I was not disappointed.
I have no plans of attending a women's college, but I did enjoy the closeness of the girls in the book. Smith seemed indescribably gay. Bree's relationship was certainly something I loved hearing about as well. But, like you said, the novel itself was very gay for being mainstream.
Overall, thank you for the article and the great read!