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The Hook Up: Friend breakups and Lesbian Overthinking Syndrome Theory

I’ve been friends with this girl since we were, like, four years old. Last year she came out to me as bisexual and things were fine. Then, about seven months ago, I had a dream about her. You know-one of those dreams, and realized I had feelings for her. I kept it to myself for a while, but it slipped out when we were drunk one night last May. After a week of changing her story, she finally told me she didn’t feel the same way (which, I didn’t expect her to), but she said we couldn’t be friends for a while because she felt awkward. She apologized a few weeks later, and I told her I was over it, including the crush (I’m not) and things seemed fine. But then she started finding all these reasons to pick fights with me, until we finally had this huge blow out and now we haven’t spoken all summer.

I miss her like crazy. She’s the only person who knows all of me and accepts me, but I’m tired of being pushed around and always being the one to make amends. She was in the wrong, and I was hoping she’d apologize by now or something, but she seems completely fine without me. I have absolutely no idea what to do. — Lost and Confused

Anna says: Friend breakups are tortuous because they fall into that awkward, in-between space. We don’t really have a word for that kind of grief, except plain ol’ loss maybe, but losing a friend, for whatever reason, isn’t seen as tantamount to a breakup-breakup, and therefore sympathies are often confused or lacking.

I’ve lost friends for reasons that still baffle me, years after the fact. We can drive ourselves crazy asking, “What did I do? What went wrong?” We can wait for them come to their senses and apologize, like you’re hoping, Lost and Confused. Or we can reach out ourselves, dangle the proverbial olive branch in their direction, and see if those old tears can be mended. It’s up to you which road you want to take, but first I want you to ask yourself a few questions.

The biggest hindrance to recovering your friendship, as I see it, is your admission that you’re not over her. It’s possible that she knew this as well, and picking petty fights with you was her (admittedly cowardly) way of putting an end to those feelings. By pushing you away completely, she didn’t have to deal with any messy aftermath brought out by your crush confession. Unfortunately, this method also took your years-long friendship out of the equation and stomped on it, which is shitty and unfair. But it’s also entirely fair.

Here’s why: It’s damn near impossible to maintain a healthy friendship when one harbors big squishy love feelings for the other. Until you can look your not-quite-friend in the eye and tell her, “I’m so happy you’re having all the sex with all the boys and girls!” and feel genuine happiness for her, you should not be her friend. It’s just going to hurt you in the long run if you can’t sort out and crush the crush-feelings that have been brewing inside you. Lose the “It’s cool, really. I’m not over her, but man, I just want to play Words with Friends again like the old days!” Heal your heart before trying to pursue anything platonic with this girl.

I know it may seem like she’s the only one who “knows all of you and accepts you,” but that’s not the whole truth. I don’t doubt that your friendship was deep and intimate-I’m sure it was-but friendship, like love, is a two-way street. You miss the connection you shared, but are “tired of being pushed around,” and “always making amends.” Look hard at your friendship and ask yourself if she’s been as good a friend to you as you were to her. Do you feel supported and loved? Has she been there for you when you were down and out? Does she respect and trust you?

It’s difficult to say from your brief description, but when looking at rekindling a former friendship, it’s important to take stock of what really matters to you, and whether those good things flow evenly in both directions. If the answers are mostly negative, then it’s probably time to seek a new friend. If, however, after you’ve taken some time, moved on, and figured out that yes, she is still the bee’s knees and you want to ride tandem bikes with her while singing “Wind Beneath my Wings,” then you have my blessing to tickle her with that olive branch (platonically!).

I am a 19-year-old girl, who has always felt an attraction toward women but I have always fought against those feelings. This summer while on vacation in Peru, I met a wonderful woman named Daniela who is my cousin’s friend, and as soon as I met her, I fell head over heels for her. We danced at a club, she bought me a drink, and threatened to hide my passport so I wouldn’t have to leave. But I was shy and acted like a complete idiot because I didn’t know what to do. Over the next few days, it seemed like her feelings for me cooled, and during a toast, she forgot my name, which was embarrassing.

A few days after that, I sent her and all of the new friends I made during that summer some friend requests on Facebook. All of them accepted the request except Daniela. Over 20 days have passed since I sent that request and she hasn’t accepted it. I’m going back to Peru in December possibly and I know that I will definitely see her again because we have friends in common. How do I act when I do see her? Kind, friendly? Or kind but distant? Did she ever feel any interest in me or was it all in my head and confused kindness with flirting? What could be possible reasons for not accepting my request? I hope that you read this and can help me out because I need advice from someone!-Confused Girl

Anna says: Forgive me for drastically shortening your question, Confused. (Let’s keep it to 300 words, lovely letter writers! My glasses are thick enough as it is.) But you appear to be suffering from the quite common Lesbian Overthinking Syndrome…Theory (or LOST, if you enjoy using acronyms to explain complex behavior traits, as I do). You’ve parsed all the details, all the side-eye glances and elbow-rubbing and drink-buying. You’ve conferred with friends, family, and internet strangers. You’ve dissected and analyzed the minutia of your brief, international flirtation and still you’re confused. Still you have no answers and no Facebook friend request acceptance.

There are a few options, Confused, but all of them require you to first CHILLAX ALREADY. Because at its basest level, nothing happened to you. I know it feels like things happened, but they really didn’t. This is a story of speculation. This is not to invalidate your feelings, which are real and heavy and I’m sure have caused you much angst. But now that you have some time and distance, I urge you to take these heavy boulders off your brain, put them in the closet next to the American Apparel leotard you never wear because it makes you feel “hippy,” and focus on the here and now.

Okay? One more deep breath for good measure-phoooooooo. Good. Now, you like this Daniela character, but behaved in ways that contradicted those like-feelings because you’re new to experiencing like-feelings with girls. That’s understandable. And you’re hurt that she didn’t accept your electronic friendship and you don’t know why, even though you admit that she didn’t know you well enough to remember your name. Regardless, if it’s really bugging you, then send her a message on Facebook (you don’t need to be friends to do so) and tell her something like:

“Dear Hot Peruvian Girl,

I think you’re swell. I may have been a bit awkward around you because you’re so awesome and I was intimidated by that, but I hope we can be FB friends because I’ll be back in your town this winter and would love to take another dance lesson from you (or equivalent). If not, that’s cool, I respect your decision and still think you’re rad.

Best, Confused Girl”

Then see where it goes. If she writes back, great. Maybe you can start another flirtatious exchange and get to know each other for realz. If she continues to ignore you, then cut your losses and move on with your life. At least you’ll have a few months to recover before seeing her again. Remember to keep the email light-hearted, casual, and upbeat. Now isn’t the time to go all confessional. Just tell her you think she’s cool and that you want to get to know her.

We’d all do well to remember that we can never really “get” anyone. No matter how much time we spend with someone, or how well we think we know a person, we can never know the whole story. People are only complex. We rationalize, we behave impulsively, we contradict ourselves, and in the end, sometimes not even we can explain why we behaved the way we did. So squash those LOST tendencies as best you can. If you need more help, read this.

And if you need more acronyms, read Sarah Terez-Rosenblum‘s Truths of Lesbian Dating. Since we’re all FUCT, anyway.

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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