This
…is …Jeopardy!
Familiar
music: (doo, doo, doo, doo-doo, dum, dum, dum…)
Alex
Trebek: Hello again, contestants. Welcome back to…Metaphor
Week on Jeopardy!
(Applause)
Alex:
The Final Jeopardy category is…Famous Metaphors of
Sex-Obsessed Christian Conservatives! Is everyone ready?
(Applause)
Alex:
Okay, here we go. The Final Jeopardy answer is …
Ram down the throats…in bed…not using any protection
…
(More
familiar music)
Alex:
Time’s up, everyone.
(Moments
later…)
Alex:
Kim, you’re in the lead. If you get this, you’ll
be the new Jeopardy Champion! What is your answer?
Me:
How did Benjamin Lopez say that Democrats are raping California,
blowing the fags, and they’re all going to get AIDS
and die—without really saying it?
Alex:
Yes! Yes! Johnny, tell her what’s she’s won.
Johnny
Announcer: Congratulations, Kim Ficera! You’ve won
an all expense paid trip to…YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.
(Applause
and screams)
Johnny
Announcer: Pack your bags and unpack your adjectives, Kim,
because you and a lucky, immoral sex partner are going to
… Metaphor Manor!
Me: Oh, no.
Johnny
Announcer: It’s better than Conjunction Junction and
more absurd than Dollywood. It’s the State Capital
in beautiful downtown Sacramento, California! And while
you’re there, you’ll …you’ll probably
just want to kill yourself!
(Applause)
Johnny
Announcer: You thought it was bad to read about the Civil
Rights Movement in seventh grade, but now you’re going
to LIVE IT! And here to greet you is your very own personal
tour guide, the self-proclaimed champion of women …
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Governor:
Congratulations, Kim. Ve are going to have quite a time
at my place! I really like girls. You probably know that,
heh? You might remember vut I said in Oui Magazine a lung
time ago … but I don’t. I don’t remember
saying, “Bodybuilders party a lot, and once, in Gold's
— da gym in Venice, Cal-ee-forn-ee-a, where all da
top guys train--dere was a black girl who came out naked.
Everybody jumped on her and took her upstairs, where we
all got together.” I
know how dat sounds, but if I did say dat, I’m sure
ve all got together to help her put her clothes back on.
Besides, back den, I didn’t know I’d be Governor
vun day. Now that I am the leader of Cal-ee-forn-ee-a, I
am a good boy.
(Applause)
Governor:
Kim, I know you are vorried because of dis gay marriage
business. But don’t be. I’ve said that I believe
nothing is more important dan civil rights. Nothing. You
are probably asking yourself what that really means, and
dat’s just the vay I vant it! Have no fear. It vill
all vurk out in da end … For me, that is.
By now, most people know that that the
Governator has promised to veto the bill that Benjamin Lopez
was so angry about. Lopez’s comments after the vote
contained just enough threats to bring Schwarzenegger to
his knees, metaphorically speaking, of course
