Don’t Quote Me: Jodie Foster and the Great Lesbian Hope

Jodie's no dumbass. I’m sure she was paying attention to Ellen and Anne. I doubt she wants to be another Rosie. She wants to work. She seems fiercely independent to me and probably doesn’t want to be owned by the lesbian community.

Yes, owned.

We lesbians might be a fun bunch, but we can be very demanding. Jodie's fabulous, sure, but even she knows she’s not perfect. She could not possibly live up to the image that lesbians all over the world have created for her.

But let’s imagine that she tried.

Let’s now pretend that Jodie comes out—way out—on Larry King. She shows up on his incredibly ugly, Lite-Brite set with her partner and kids. They are a happy, loving queer family, displayed at prime time for all in the world to gawk at, love or criticize.

Jodie and Cydney hold hands during the interview. They call each other “wife.” Maybe they even kiss as Larry goes to a commercial. After the break, Larry takes calls and Jodie deflects every anti-gay comment with class and, of course, wit. Everyone laughs, including the kids, who are smiling and appear well adjusted. The oldest tells us who his father is (no, not Russell Crowe or even David Crosby). And by the end of the show, Jodie tells Larry all of the things we’ve been dying to hear, including that she’ll run for President in 2008.

As the weeks and months go by, Jodie The Amazing Lesbian is everywhere. The kiss with her “wife” is replayed on CNN every hour and on Fox News every 30 seconds (this upsets Greta Van Susteren very, very much). She talks live with Katie Couric and Oprah, and she’s so direct and honest with Bill O’Reilly that she makes his head explode—literally. She guest stars on The L Word and writes a bestseller called You’re Right! I’m a Lesbian!

She’s honored by the HRC, GLAAD and every other queer acronym you can think of. She pole vaults in the Gay Olympics and wins a gold medal. She promises to make movies starring real lesbians. She appeals to all her gay and lesbian friends in Hollywood to come out, and some of them do. We love her. She’s the perfect lesbian. Even Ellen, who normally avoids all things gay on her show, invites Jodie to be a guest. They dance up on stage together and chat for the entire hour under a blanket by the light of the Looky Loo. Life is wonderful…

…Until it’s not. Jodie soon fucks up—in our eyes, at least. She does something wrong—something ridiculously human and incredibly innocuous—yet we deem it bad and can’t forgive her for it.

What does she do? Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe she’ll be caught by the paparazzi driving around Hollywood without her rainbow flag bumper sticker. Or perhaps she’ll say something stupid, call someone “too gay” or “not gay enough.” Or, worse, maybe she’ll move to Miami, cut her hair in a way we don’t like and then tells Brooke Shields that aspirin will stunt her growth. Whatever un-PC or peculiar thing she’ll do or say, we’ll take it personally and waste no time in letting her know how we feel.

Faster than she can say “Tay in the wi-i-i-i-ind,” the Lesbian Police will whack Jodie Foster upside her head. She’ll be swiftly banished to public relations hell to spend eternity with Chastity, Rosie, Tom, and the most hated lesbian-for-a-moment of all time—Anne Heche.

Is that what we want?

If there’s anyone who’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t, it’s Jodie Foster.

Time will tell if Jodie ever makes the grand leap from lesbian icon to Super-Lesbian. But in the meantime, I say we move on. She’s probably doing more good for the lesbian community under a cloud of suspicion than she would if we got our hands on her.

Kim Ficera is the author of Sex, Lies and Stereotypes: An Unconventional Life Uncensored. Her bi-weekly column Don't Quote Me is dedicated to all the folks in and out of Hollywood who talk without thinking or who don't know when to stop talking. Email her at kim@kimficera.com.