Don’t
Quote Me: Straight Girls Happen by Kim Ficera,
October 5, 2005
SARAH:
“I don’t know any full-blown lesbians, but I’m open about
everything.”
(The
next day…) KIM
(to Sarah, who is crying): “You’re a beautiful girl.”
SARAH:
“You think I’m beautiful, Kim?”
KIM:
“ Ye--”
(Pounce!
Slurp, slobber, slurp…)
KIM
(up for air and smiling): “One down, eleven to go!”
--
Kim and Sarah, two contestants on America’s
Next Top Model,
consoling one another in a limo after being told their
fashion show sucked.
Straight
girls happen.
And
they happen to plenty of lesbians — “full blown” lesbians
— the kind you’d find at Dinah
Shore, not the Jersey Shore
Time
will tell how “open” Top
Model cast member Sarah really is. She’s eager and aggressive,
that’s for sure, and she doesn’t seem at all interested
in using the convenient, virtue-saving excuses many straight
reality show contestants fall back on to escape an authentic
plunge into lesbianism: ‘I have a boyfriend back home,’
or ‘Really? I kissed you? That was the tequila, not me!’
It
will be interesting to see if Sarah backs offor if she chooses to crawl between Kim’s
sheets and legs without the help of Jose Cuervo, a horny
male audience, or crazy Jay’s insults. But it will be even
more interesting to see if any of her fellow models follow
her lead.
Granted,
it’s early in the season, but it seems to me that Kim’s
got something more than Charlize Theron-like beauty and
a mouth that’s an invitation to heaven — she’s got a masculine
innocence. She’s fragile, yet she drips sex. And she leaves
a trail. I suspect that someone other than Sarah’s going
to want a piece of her.
The
other contestants might be a little slow supervene, but
there are many weeks left on America’s
Next Top Model and many limo rides still to be had.
I
mention the
limo rides because, judging from my own experiences and
the stories I’ve heard from other well-taxied lesbians,
there’s something about a limo that transforms housewives
and beauty queens into lesbian-seeking missiles once their
asses hit the huge back seat. Snoop Dogg and all the motorheads
at MTV can eat their hearts out, because I’d bet them and
every straight girl who’s ever locked lips with me in a
limo that it was a lesbian who coined the phrase, “Pimp
my ride.”
A
stretch limo is a world all its own, with an open bar, music
and enough room to play Twister, naked if you want. In a
limo, straight women are free to indulge in activities they
otherwise can’t with their high heels stuck in the muck
of straight ground.
While
being whisked away by lesbians to places only limos go and
mini-vans aren’t allowed, soccer moms can sip champagne
and fuck their brains out beneath a small disco ball and
while floating on tar. On a stretch of highway that lies
somewhere between a bake sale and multiple orgasms, straight
women can see out, but unsuspecting husbands and boyfriends
can’t see in.
And
that’s a shame in a way, because one of things straight
women crave most from the men in their lives is inside that
limo: Seduction.