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“Chicago Fire” recap (2.21): “Lesbian hoodlum”

Previously on Chicago Fire, a bomb went off at a running race giving everyone in Boston terrible flashbacks. Shay got kebabed by some rebar, Dawson got lost in the rubble and thump on the head. Oh nevermind, we’re pretending that whole two night, two part, story never happened. Let’s try this again. Jones committed suicide. Boden broke up with Hot Donna because he is bad at relationships but apparently not bad at getting people knocked up. There’s a baby Boden in that oven. Casey asked Shay to help him pick out a ring for Dawson. Dawson got ready to re-take the firefighter test but if she passes she won’t be able to hang at 51 anymore because she can’t serve under Casey. Dammit Casey, you’re breaking up Shawson again!

We begin in Dawson and Casey’s kitchen. He wants to talk about taking a dinner cruise in the dead of winter. She’s freaking out because she has to work a shift the day before retaking her firefighter test. He assures her that Boden will let her leave early so she makes it to the test on time. But then we get to the real problem. Passing the test means leaving 51 and that charming blond, blue eyed, smart ass, Shay. (What, you thought I mean Casey?)

Boden and Donna are having coffee and processing becoming parents like a couple of old lesbians. Both of them thought that the parenthood ship had sailed. Boden tells her that Mills is sweet but being a father figure to him just isn’t cutting it. He wants to be involved in the baby’s life. Who else is going to teach it to speak with the lowest voice still audible to the human ear?

At 51 Mouch is passing out flyers for his yard sale and Severide introduces everyone to Rick Newhouse. I am assuming the writers were like “we’re sick of naming characters who we just end up killing or who leave after a few episodes. Let’s call the new guy in the house, ‘Newhouse’ just to make it easier.”

In the locker room, Shay is in one piece with no sign of having a giant piece of rebar stuck through her middle. She tells Dawson that maybe she could skip taking the test because Shay will miss having her around. And since she’s getting married, whoops. Shay tries to cover and is smooth as always. Dawson says Shay will be fine on her own, or with Rafferty, and it’s not like they won’t see each other and engage in totally inappropriate ass-slapping.

They crew is called out to save a guy caught in a wood chipper. Don’t you worry, now, Marge Gunderson is on the case. Dawson tells Shay to take the lead. Oh ladies, I get it, you like to switch up who’s in charge. Carry on with your foreplay. After Dawson drives away the douchey prepster from an ’80s movie drives up. Welch’s house is where Dawson would go if she passes her test. James Spader tells Casey that they don’t like girl firefighter’s in their clubhouse. Even Herrmann rolls his eyes.

Back at 51, Rick Newguy, is getting cozy. While he tells Mouch about his side job as a process server, Connie shows up with a cup of tea for him. Mouch can hardly believe that Newman got Connie to smile. Mouch didn’t even know she had teeth. Meanwhile, Shay sneaks up to Casey’s office to tell him to hurry up and propose before she blows the surprise. He tells her that he’s got it all planned out. He’s going to propose on a river cruise. The boat’s called the Titanic. He still hasn’t asked Dawson’s parents for their blessing because they haven’t been cast are away for a couple months. Before she can yell at him some more, Dawson shows up and says Shay better come see who is waiting downstairs.

Look what the cat dragged in. Devon says, “Leslie” and Shay says “I’m calling the cops.” She busts inside and is about to dial 1-800-Hairporn when Severide offers his two cents. Not now, pretty boy. Shay goes back out and tells Devon she wants their stuff back. Severide can’t believe it. She tells him that if they call the cops they will never get their stuff or money back. Devon says, “Oh hey baby, can’t we go somewhere and talk?” Shay says when she has something to return. She wants everything Devon stole. I think trust isn’t going to be returnable, but hey, good luck finding it, Dev.

Boden is in his office watching a video on childbirth and smiling like a fool. Mills walks in and mistakes the sounds of labor agony for the sound of porn. Boden can’t get the sound to turn off and Mills asks if he should shut the blinds on his way out. Awkward.

Dawson is down in the equipment room practicing putting on her gear for the test. Casey walks in and she starts feeling him up. Really, Dawson? He’s up for it but it turns out she’s just trying to convince him to pretend to be a dummy so she can drag him across the floor. He’s offended but will henceforth be known as “Dummy Weight.” Well, it’s not the worst idea. Everyone calls him Dummy, she probably figures it’s better to do it to his face.

He tells her about Welch being tough. Casey, the word you are looking for is “sexist jerk.” Dawson can handle tough. Before they can finish the conversation they get called out to a boat accident. Scuba Severide hops in the water with Newguy and they work to free a man trapped in the water. Meanwhile, Herrmann and Mouch find the captain slumped over, drunk as a skunk. Maybe that river booze cruise isn’t such a hot idea after all, Casey.

Back at the house, Shay is making a PB&J when Severide walks in (I assume that between the PB&J and the booze cruise, this show is paying homage to Jim and Pam). He’s worried she’s going to make a stupid decision about Devon. She promises she’s not still carrying a torch for Devon. He’s a sweet lezbro but honestly, these two are definitely the two blind mice when it comes to dates. Speaking of girls she is carrying a torches for, she hurries off to help Dawson run an errand.

A couple of Gryffindor’s walk into the Slytherin common room and the reception is icy. They can’t even bear to look at Dawson and Shay since they are committing the crime of talking while female. Welch tells Dawson that their last experience with a girl firefighter was “less than positive.” Shay, god love her, says, “Well we’re going to start out periods. Tampons, vagina, cervix, Midol.” And then Janis Ian’s her way out the door. Shay, I have a big lesbian crush on you.

Dawson is a classy lady so she walks back and tells Welch that if she pases and ends up in the house she hopes she’ll change his mind. Mostly, I hope she knees him in the junk.

Back at 51, Herrmann is all wound up about everyone loving Newkid. The guys give him crap before they go and Otis wanders over to wear Shay and Severide are bickering about Devon. Severide is yelling that Devon is trying to play Shay and Shay says all she wants is to get back what Devon took from all of them. Otis calls Devon a “hoodlum” which cements his spot as the grandpappy of the firehouse and says the only way anything can be right is if he gets his dopey helmet back. Nobody asked you Brian!

Shay is sitting at Molly’s waiting for Devon to show up while Dawson looks exactly like a lesbian dreamboat. Holy hell, lady. Anyway, Shay is lamenting the fact that she let a hoodlum back into her life and acknowledges she’s an idiot. Dawson points out that it’s her big thumping hear that they all love so much about her, and then gives her a wink. Shawson shippers, are you all okay?

Devon walks in and gives back to Shay Otis’ dork helmet and a wad of cash. She says she needed bail for her pop and stole all their stuff to get it. She swears on Dawson’s shoulders that she will get all the money back. I hope you know what you’re doing, Devon because those shoulders are holy.

Boden catches up with Hot Donna outside her apartment and gives a terrible powerpoint presentation about why they should get married. “Well, i think it would be easier for tax purposes and it would save, um, paperwork.” Terrible. She says “Is this you proposing? Because you suck at it.”

Dawson shows up the next morning to ask the Chief if maybe she could, pretty please, with a cherry on top, still work at 51 if she passes the test. He shuts her down. Meanwhile, Shay is shutting down Casey’s plan for a river cruise proposal. Crashing into a pier really kills the romance. Casey reminds her that he’s the one proposing but she doesn’t want to have to hear about something stupid from now until the end of time.

Casey rushes out to ask Antonio if he can marry Dawson. Antonio pretends to be pissed that Casey isn’t asking their dad and Casey looks like he might vomit. Messing with your sister’s boyfriend is always funny. Inside, Newbie is regaling the crew with tales of his side gig and how he outsmarted a deadbeat dad. Herrmann does his best McKayla Maroney impression but Mills is super impressed. He wants to know just how much information you need to find someone. We haven’t seen Isabella for months, maybe you should look into that Mills.

Shay gives Otis back his helmet and he looks just as delightfully dorky as I hoped he would. She gives Severide the money and he gets mad and asks if Shay pulled the money together to cover for Devon. Shay tries to explain that Devon is trying to make things right. Severide roars that it’s not about the money it’s about Devon lying and stepping all over Shay.

Mills gives Dawson a pep talk before heading out behind the firestation to have a cigar with Boden. Boden explains that he’s going to be a dad and details his terrible five point plan proposal. Mills laughs and tells Boden that he needs to be a little more heartfelt if he wants to marry Donna. This is romance 101. How the Chief ever swept Mama Mills off her feet is beyond me.

Mouch is washing off some of his crap before the yard sale and dropping some wisdom on Herrmann. He couldn’t really move on from Mari until he got rid of all the crap he bought for her. He tells Herrmann maybe he needs to make some room for Newguy, too. In the midst of these touching moments, Dawson and Shay get called out to help a lady who is definitely having a baby in her apartment. They get Grace to start walking down the stairs but she buckles with the strength of the contractions. They get her to sit and take a peek under her nightie. Yeah, that baby is on its way out.

Back at 51, Herrmann is trying to find out if he can get his wife a birthday gift from Mouch’s yard sale. Herrmann, come on, dude. Newhouse walks in and Herrmann invites him to come by Molly’s for a drink. Casey walks in and asks if Dawson is still out on the call. Mills looks at his watch and thy realize she better hustle if she’s going to make it to her test on time.

Shay tells Dawson to run along so she won’t miss the test but Dawson won’t leave a woman having a baby. The rest of the firehouse is trying to figure out how to get her to the test. Shay tells Grace to pull her legs back so she can open up her pelvis. Too. Many. Lesbian. Jokes. Just when it looks like Dawson is going to miss the test, Mills comes bounding up the stairs and kicks her out. The rest of the boys are waiting in the truck and they sound the sirens to get her to the test on time. Seems like a legit use of firefighter resources.

Boden makes his way over to the school where Donna teaches in his dress blues. This time he gets the proposal right. She says yes. Dawson rolls up late and the instructor tells her that she better be ready because she’s first. She pulls on her gear and runs up stairs with the guys from the truck cheering her on.

We’ll have to wait for next week’s finale to find out if she passed the test.

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