“Chicago Fire ” recap (1.24): “It didn’t take.”

They go in and there’s thick smoke in a small room filled with inmates. Crus quickly finds a guy who has been stabbed in the chest and is bleeding a lot. The room is chaotic with the fire and smoke and inmates yelling. They pull the guy into the hallway but Mills says the victim is too hurt to move so Boden sends in Dawson and Shay. They take over for Mills but once it’s obvious that they need a backboard for Mr. Shanked-but-not-too-hurt-to-flirt-with-Dawson, Mills gets pulled out to help Dawson while Shay runs for the backboard. It’s a little awkward but they’re pros, right? Then Casey finds the cause of the fire, a jammed electrical socket, and then the power goes out. Whoopsie. Now we can’t open the doors and everybody is stuck in place. Mills and Dawson trapped together and Casey, Herrmann, and Cruz stuck with one of the prison guards and a whole lot of inmates who look like a gang of Inferi.

While the braintrust is trying to figure out a way to get in with every door locked and unable to be opened until the power is back on, Shay gets a call and takes it because you know, this is the perfect time for personal calls. Casey’s team leave the Inferi and hide under a staircase. Mills wants to know how long he’s going to be stuck with Dawson because the victim is bleeding out and it’s just torture looking at her perfect face.

Boden sends Severide in to knock heads and cut through doors. Before Severide goes into the prison he runs into Shay who tells him that the pregnancy didn’t take. That is a crushing, hopeless feeling. When you are trying to get pregnant it all starts out fun and light and full of all the hope you can squeeze into a perfect person. A person so perfect you haven’t even made her yet. There’s a place in your mind that tells you not to get your hopes up because it knows that getting pregnant can be hard and it can take a long time. But the rest of your brain is set on the idea that you are the exception, you’re the one who gets pregnant on the first try. Then while you wait those agonizing weeks before you can even find out if you are pregnant every second, every feeling you have is either a symptom that you are or aren’t pregnant. You read every book, you scour the internet in hopes that that dizzy spell you had or the weird feeling in your stomach is the start of a person.

It’s like that girl you like and you want her to like you so much. One day you think she smiled at you but maybe she was smiling at the person behind you. Then she does it again, or she says “hi” to you and god, was that a smile that wasn’t just friendly? Could that smile mean something more? That’s constant battle between hope and logic, of wanting to believe, and wanting to protect yourself from disappointment is what rages until you know. When you find out like Shay that that little voice was right and that your hope, those smiles, those symptoms you checked and rechecked because maybe they were a sign that you were creating something brand new inside yourself they were all wrong. Like that smile from that girl and the three words you exchanged were creating something new, something perfect between the two of you. But then you find out that she’s just nice, or you’re not really pregnant, and the hope you balanced so precariously, that you propped up as long as you could comes crashing down. It’s a horrible, hopeless feeling of loss and it makes you feel sad because you aren’t pregnant and stupid for being hopeful in the first place.

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