“Chicago Fire ” recap (1.19): “You will be mounted.”


The amigos arrive at a funeral more depressing than death itself. No one shows up from the guy’s family, the minister has to read the guy’s name from a card. Herrmann loses it in the parking lot about how the guy was a hero and he deserves better. Mouch calls shotgun and they leave.

It’s the start of a new shift. They all learn that the kid stuck in the laundry chute has died. Dawson tells them all that the kid came to the house and Mills remembers giving the kid a tour because it was his first day. Herrmann takes a moment to call his dad.

Severide interrupts Casey’s attempts to get a little work done and tells him that the worst part of the whole thing is that Casey doesn’t “have enough sac to admit” he sleeping with her. Poor Shawson is caught looking on again as the bros have no decided to bring their anatomy into the fight. Casey roars back that he’s done explaining himself to Severide because Severide is wrong and there’s nothing to explain. Severide, here’s a clue, if Casey was getting any sort of action I think he’d be a little more relaxed. They start posturing the way high school boys do when they want to look tough while shitting themselves that someone might actually throw a punch.

The Chief steps in and wants to know why these two dillholes are fighting again. This is looking a lot like the fighting they were doing in the first few episodes and this time the fight is even more ridiculous. The Chief does everything but knock their two heads together and Severide acts like a kid whining in the backseat of a car. “Casey looked at me, he’s touching me.” Fucking grow up, both of you.

Shay and Dawson are checking on a guy under a bridge. Shay wants to know what Dawson thinks about the whole Severide-Casey “stop fighting and do it already” fight. She says she hasn’t spoken to Casey in a long time, you know since she asked for help from the cop that tried to put a hit out on Casey’s life. As they walk the patient back to the rig Dawson asks about Severide’s sperm and wants to know who is paying for everything. Shay says she doesn’t know who will pay for it. Dawson gives a wry smile and says “You know there’s another, cheaper alternative.” Shay tells her to “come on” but Dawson tells her that “Nature has already worked out these details.” I told you to keep drinking, didn’t I?

“Stop saying ‘natural’ before something bad happens to you. Whoops karma’s a bitch.”

Before we can properly scream at Dawson, karma intervenes and the rig she is standing in takes off with her in it. Shay radios for help and Dawson convinces the idiot driving the ambulance that the police can track it via GPS and can cut the power to the engine. The guy falls for it and Dawson drives safely back to Shay.

OK, and now things are about to get truly offensive. After Dawson’s genius suggestion that the natural way for Shay to get pregnant with Severide is, well, obvious and totally cost-effective, Shay bounces into Severide’s office. She tells him that she’s got a new proposal and that he should be silent and not make any funny faces (or throw anything at the television in disgust). She can’t afford the insemination so she’s been thinking about Plan B. Plan B should be, if you can’t afford to have a kid, don’t have a kid. She proposes that when the time is right that he should go into his room, prepare himself with magazines, porn, a quick chat with Casey, whatever works for him. When ready he should signal to Shay by using his Captain Von Trapp trademarked boatswain’s whistle. She will then enter his darkened room and tells him “and then you’ll be mounted.” She directs that he will finish his business inside her as quickly and efficiently as possible and then she’ll leave so he can clean up or whatever while she cries in her room. She leaves the office and Severide looks stunned for a moment and then he gets the look on his face of every gay girl who ever had a crush on a straight girl. Zoinks? Do I like her, are we totally going to make out, even though she just said it was for “practice?” Severide, your lezbro card is hereby revoked, bros don’t let that shit go unchecked.

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